Partner gone for several months

katcar0001

I am having just a terrible time today. This has been such a whirlwind: diagnosis on 11/22, mastectomy on 12/4, and my boyfriend/partner left a couple of days later for NZ. He has been gone 10 days now, and I have barely received any emails from him, and no Skype calls.

I feel really alone and have been leaning on my ex-boyfriend more and more. He is here, he drives me to appointments far away, translates Spanish for me and just generally helps in every way he can.

But, of course, I want to hear from my "official" partner in NZ, and it's not happening. I don't know what to do. I don't like my oncologist or his suggested treatment, I want to talk to my bf, and he's not here. I realize that is how our relationship has always been.

I am very, very sad and down and crying non-stop. I don't know how to handle this.

RebzAmy

Katcar0001 - so sorry you are feeling like this and that you don't have the support from your partner that you so need. I know you said that this is how it's always been but sometimes it makes you look at your relationship when something happens and you need support and don't get it - it's a real wake up call but not something you need to be waking up to right now!

If you don't like your oncologist or believe in what's he's suggesting as treatment for you, then please please find somebody else and get a second opinion. It's hard that your partner isn't there for you and that your ex is instead and he obviously cares for you very much.

The best thing is to find support from close friends, family and professionals right now and when your partner comes back, let him know how hard this has been for you without him and see what his reaction is. He needs to be there for you and if he isn't then I think you need to re-think the relationship.

Wishing you all the best.

RebzAmy

dlb823

kat, is there a reason you can't initiate contact with your boyfriend? I mean, is he totally off the grid and unable to be contacted? When he has contacted you, has he been genuinely concerned about you? Does he have a return ETA? It sounds like since he left so soon after your surgery, he has no idea what you're going through emotionally. So the next time you talk to him, you need to tell him how difficult this is for you without him. But also realize that some people for whatever reason just have a hard time dealing with a bc dx. Thank goodness you have your ex to lean on! He sounds like a real gem!

As far as not liking your oncologist, can you get a second opinion? Most of us see our oncs for at least 5 years, so if you're planning to stay in that area, taking the time to find someone you like is a worthwhile investment.

Sending you (((hugs))) & strength. One day or even one hour at a time and you will get through this! Deanna

katcar0001

RebzAmy and Deanna: Your support and compassionate words help a lot. I realized that I have been really stoic about this thing with him and my friends, and so he did not know what I have been going through. And the emotional part of it is finally catching up to me. I did not really cry for my breast; I don't really have much emotion about that bit. It's the fear of the unknown--hormonal treatment, possibly chemo (when previously I thought I'd need neither of these) and fear of a recurrence. Plus, not connecting with my team's oncologist. I sent out a distress signal today via email, and he "got it." He sent me a phone # where he is staying with friends, and I managed to call him and have a talk. That resulted in him wanting to fly me there for some time together and some down time for me from all this, but I am not sure that is realistic. I would be looking at not starting any treatment until probably Feb., and I am not sure if that is a good idea or not. Am I supposed to be in a hurry because there are cancer cells running loose in my body?

I am going to see about sending my pathology slides and oncotype results (when I receive them) to John Hopkins online to get another opinion. And then, meanwhile, I will look for another oncologist here. If I cannot find a good one, then going to CA is another option. I'd be close to UCSF, Mt. Zion as well as Dr. Lisa Bailey in Oakland (if they'll take my insurance). I have family there and a place to stay. I just hate to leave my kitties behind!

You both seem so incredibly strong and positive--I hope to get back to that place again soon. Thank you, thank you. You really helped.

Stix

Katcar- browsing through the forums. How is it going.

katcar0001

Hi Stix, Still playing the waiting game for my Oncotype results--should be in next week some time. I do get down and hope it gets better. How are you doing? I see you just had another recon. I don't know your whole history, but I hope you get great results, and i hope you are not in too much pain. Thanks for checking in! ~Kat