My caregiver husband has cancer too.

Lucky777

I was diagnosed 5-7-13 with stage IA PILC. I opted for BMX. My husband was and still is fantastic about taking care of me. He was diagnosed 8 months after me with Stage II Renal Cell Carcinoma. He had no symptoms. It was found accidentally after having a chest xray. He had a large tumor 9cm. 1mm from growing outside the kidney capsule. We have discovered that chemo and radiation don't work on RCC. He is in a clinical trial with Everolimus, hoping to delay a recurrence. So the whole time he was taking care of me, he was sicker than I was.

My cancer was found by MRI, I have two sisters with Breast cancer so my Ob/Gyn was looking for it.

Anybody else with a spouse who also has cancer. Or another serious disease. One of my sisters has a husband with early onset Alzheimers disease. She also has MS, all on top of the stageII Breast Cancer. So I a t least don't have those challenges.

Mostly this just makes me angry!!!!!!

MusicLover

I don't blame you for being angry.  I am so sorry that all of this has been placed on yourself and your husband.  I have seen a few other stories like yours on BCO, wives and husbands battling cancer at the same time.  No one is asking for the perfect life but cancer brings with it so much pain, too much, in my opinion. 

Lucky777

Thank you for caring. We have been married for 40 years. We were going to retire in two years. We had lots of plans. Now I will have to work longer because of my insurance. Just when we should be spending more time together

We really have been lucky in so many ways.

I am venting here. I just had a close friend tell us that he was retiring early because he saw all of our problems so he wanted to start having fun now. How do you react to that?

MusicLover

Hey Lucky, 40 years, wow!  No one is ready for this no matter what age, we all have additional plans the we thought we would fulfill.  I knew that some people would say the wrong thing to me, so I didn't even want to tell anyone about my dx.  But when I did I was right.  It is almost like they think all of their life plans will come true, that nothing like this could happen to them.  I find that to be very strange in itself.  Without saying something cruel to you friend, I would and have expressed the same thing that you have expressed in this thread.  I have been lucky and I go on to state the reasons why.  I bet you did a lot of wonderful things over the 40 years with your husband, so I would be certain to mention a few specifics.  I would say something like I am so glad that we did all of the wonderful things that we did and that we did not wait for retirement to start having fun because you just never know what is going to happen in life.

(I hope you realize that I am in no way preaching to you because I love life and I wanted so much more! I only wish that I had the control I thought I had over my health and my life.  I cry a little almost everyday. )

leggo

Lucky, I'm so sorry. I hear so many of these stories and they break my heart every time. I would hope that whatever force out there responsible for dishing out suffering would cut some people some slack, but it never seems to work out that way. I hope both you and your husband get some good with the bad. Thank goodness you have each other and neither of you has to go it alone. Hugs.

leggo

And MusicLover, I faithfully join you in crying every day. Not how things were supposed to go. I selfishly thought I had my share pre-cancer. Ha! Now all I want is to see my kids to adulthood. 

Reminds me so much of Julia Sweeney's documentary "God said, Ha!". Excellent film if you ever get the chance. Also, Dana Reeve's death. Made me realize Gawd plays favourites. No offence to the faithful, just don't have it in me, personally.

MusicLover

Leggo, I have people say, "Well, it must be your time" or "Heaven is supposed to be better...".  I feel like screaming I would have liked to wait another 30 years or so before I found out. 

I feel the same way about Dana Reeve's death, maybe not the favorites thing... but I thought how not fair that was to her son.

I watched about 10mins total of the movie Seven Psychopaths.  I'm not even certain what the movie is about but while flipping through channels recently I heard a line the Christopher Walken makes in the movie, "God loves us. I know he does. He just has a funny way of showing it sometimes."  Hopefully, this all makes sense to us someday.

(Please, I hope no one adds the wonderful line to this thread: "Life isn't fair."  When a shoulder is needed please provide one, just saying! I think we all know too well, that life can be cruel. We need not be cruel to each other.) 

 

Ridley

Lucky777 -- I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this.  It sucks.  My parents were in a similar situation about 10 years ago -- Mom was diagnosed with BC and then my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer within the year.  He has also gone on to have a second cancer a few years ago-- kidney cancer, his was a chromophobe -- also found by accident on an MRI of his back.

The good news is that thankfully they are both doing well, and will celebrate their 52nd anniversary next week.  

I hope you and your husband have many, many more healthy and happy years together.

leggo

Yup, then I remember my walks through the pediatric oncology dept. and realize what an ungrateful cow I can be sometimes. So much suffering. Lucky, as MusicLover said, you have every right to be angry. This board is a good pillow to scream into whenever you need to. With all my heart, I hope both you and your husband return to good health in the future. You've had your share.

shoppygirl

Lucky

I am sorry this is happening to you. In Jan 2013 I was dx with stage 1b BC. Two months later on our 18th wedding anniversary my husband was DX with colon cancer. During his colon surgery they found a single 8mm spot on his liver, making him stage 4. We both went through chemo at the same time. I completed mine in July of 2013 and his was completed in November 2013. That spot on his liver has never shown up on any scans ( and he has had many) and his blood work is good. He just had a scan 2 weeks ago and is NED without any treatment for a year. The most difficult part is that we have 2 boys aged 11 and 15. This was a very difficult thing to go through but it really puts things in perspective and makes you understand what is important in life. I suffered a detached retina 6 weeks ago and as soon as they told me that it was not cancer related, just due to my type of eyes, I was so happy. Before cancer, this type of thing would of really upset me but now I feel that as long as it isn't cancer, I can handle it.

People will say such stupid things to you as you go through this but it is because they don't know what to say. Of course they are always thinking about what if this happened to them?

I will be thinking of you and your DH. Feel free to message me at any time.

Hugs

MusicLover

Leggo, I have seen Julia Sweeney's documentary "God said, Ha!" and it is on right now on the movie channel. I think that I spoke about it on one of these threads but I didn't know the name of it.  The thing I remember the most about it and I think about often is when she is talking about her brothers lengthy ordeal with lymphoma and she says that at one point her brother says, "Jesus only suffered for 3 days."  I just don't think that my God wants us to suffer so much. 

I think "Heaven is Real" comes on HBO or ShowTime this Friday night and I plan on watching that too, I am sure that my brain will be spinning after watching it. 

 

 

leggo

Anyone who knows me, knows I avoid religion like the plague, as any book or movie, with the word in the title. My very best friend, who just happens to be faithful to a fault, hounded me and hounded me to watch that doc. She had Stage IV ovarian cancer at the time so I relented and can honestly say, 14 years later, it has never left my mind.  It was a true gift to me that came at just the right time, as it did to my dear friend. Turned my world around. Certainly kept me from feeling sorry for myself....ever. Wonder if Ms. Sweeney knows the extent of her effect on people? 

The "Heaven is For Real" is not something I could, in good conscience, watch, but I do appreciate the recommendation. Not my cup of tea. 

Lucky, sorry to take your thread off course. I must be feeling particularly philisophical today and in no way want to distract from the crap you're going through. It sucks, hard.

MusicLover

Me too, Lucky, I am sorry for going off track but very pleased that you have some good responses.

voraciousreader

The DH is a mess. Too many illnesses to list. Too many close calls for both of us. We are beaten and bruised but....we are still standing. Life for us is moving from one health crisis to the next. Honestly, I haven't a clue what a normal life feels like...but that is OK. Our life together is bittersweet and we never take for granted any of all of our days together. Sure there are days that we want to kill each other, but when the night falls, we have each other's backs and each other and I feel blessed. Can I feel angry? Sure. But I refuse to waste good energy on feeling angry or sorry for him or myself. Living each day and being reminded most days that tomorrow may not come for him or for me, for that matter, doesn't get me down. Instead, it makes each day more meaningful. It's been almost 42 years since I laid eyes on the love of my life. Looking back, I would change NOTHING. As for looking forward, I try not to. Again, it would take too much energy to think about what the future holds and dare I say painful to think about. So for me, it's all about living one day at a time with my beloved and building memories....

Moderators

Lucky777-

We're so sorry for what you and your husband are going through. 40 years together, such an inspiration! At least you have each other during these trying times.

We hope you both find some support here, we'll be thinking of you.

The Mods