Am I in denial?

Sjacobs146

I've been handling this diagnosis better than one would expect, probably because I am an optimist, and I generally feel like everything will turn out all right.  Now I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm not dealing with this at all.  Seems like when this all started, I was told that we caught it early, it's very small, it's just garden variety breast cancer, probably just a lumpectomy and some pills, etc.  Post surgery, one of my lymph nodes had cancer cells, and now I'll have chemo, radiation and tamoxifen for 10 years.  So much for lumpectomy and some pills.  I'm starting to feel like there's another shoe waiting to drop.  Like they'll find something somewhere else, or the cancer comes back in a few years.  Now I'm worried that I haven't been worried enough!  Am I worried enough?

WinningSoFar

What's wrong with denial?  NOthing unless you decide to take a round the world cruise instead of getting treatment.  What's right about worrying?  Nothing.

The point I'm making is that denial is ok, generally and worrying is psychologically damaging, generally. 

proudtospin

not in denial here but taking a realistic view of the world and my life, I am 6+ years out and not good at taking crap from folks,   They are not in our shoes and do not get it

live your life, chose docs that will work with you and listen to them 

muska

Hi Sjacobs, I think being in denial is actually better than mulling over what can happen if the cancer spreads. I just take it one day at a time and try making the most of each day.

I was told I would be out of surgery and on my way without needing any further treatment - before surgery. Things turned out differently but I am still fine, worked through chemo and radiation, now back to normal life as I know it. I have no idea how it will turn out - my oncologist says I am in a gray area - but I prefer not to think too much about it. You can call it denial, but I would rather be in denial and active than depressed and not in denial.

flannelette

I think it's highly preferable to be an optimist than a pessimist. If you're a pessimist, there's a chance you might go down the depression route which, I believe, can undermine your immune system horribly. I've been there. I too wondered at times if I was in denial but no, I knew my diagnosis, had surgery, chemo, rads, arimidex. I realized that is NOT being in denial. I just loved my body more during it all, and everyone was amazed at my presence of mind - or whatever it was that came though to help me, as most, including me, would have predicted I'd fall completely apart.

livinglife15

Hi! That thought briefly crossed my mind too, because I was taking the news so well.The doctors have all been so positive and most nurses too (though I get some who handle me so gingerly it makes me want to say "Geez, you don't need to do that, I'm not dying!") I think some things that helped me....at 22 I was told I had a lump in my right breast and needed a biopsy. The doctor covered the information so quickly and matter-of-factly, I didn't have much to say or ask, then cried all the way home and for the next 2 hours while I talked on the phone to my mom and then my boyfriend. All I could think was, "Why me?" and "I have cancer." Back then, it was general surgery for a biopsy. The doctor was very positive and convinced me it was unlikely to be cancerous and he was right. (1 cm benign mass, right breast) When a couple months ago, this all happened, I realized how much I had changed. I've had many more life experiences, had a lot more perspective on life and grown in faith a great deal over the years. That and I have a friend who had stage 2 breast cancer and needed chemo and radiation after surgery and has been doing great for the last 11 years. I figure if she can beat that, then so can I. I am starting to get that feeling like "When is the other shoe going to drop?" The doctors all say I have all the best variables they go by to determine type and treatment, but then I get a call from a medical organization about the Oncotype test my medical oncologist ordered, which I knew nothing about, and I'm thinking, "Is this the other shoe?" I've been so fortunate through all this? I should get a good score, but if I don't then is he going to recommend chemo? The doctors kept saying it would just be surgery and radiation. But now it's Arimidex too, then what else? I resist worrying about the other shoe but the thought pops up occasionally. I must admit it was easier when I was busy with doctors appointments, and driving schedules to radiation in blizzard conditions and busy, busy, busy. Now that things are beginning to return to normal, it's easier to let the negative thoughts creep in, but I mostly stay positive. Denial is wonderful (as long as it doesn't keep me from getting treatment.) Optimism is great. Living life the best!