I can't get past this.

Tortuga303

I found my cancer very early. I had intra-operative radiation therapy surgery (Feb/ 2014) so no follow up chemo or radiation. But I have so much guilt and depression over this. I don't know how to get past it. 

Marie715

Tortuga303, can you tell us more? What guilt are you experiencing?  I understand the depression. 

Tortuga303

I'm the first person in my family EVER to have cancer of any kind. I feel like I've brought a plague to my mom, my sister, and my daughter. My daughter is only 25. 

And I was already in a bad place, now I'm drinking heavily. I don't know if my life will ever get better.

Imheretoo

Hi Tortuga303, I think that to best help you out people need to know more what you mean.   Guilt because you feel that getting a cancer was somehow your fault?   That you should have been able to notice it even earlier than you did?  Because you risked a serious situation that, had it been allowed to get worse untreated,  would have affected those you love and need to take care of?      Because you feel that you neglected some important duties to others while you were getting your medical treatments?   Or because along your trip of diagnosis and cure you met a lot of nice people who, by the freak of chance, have gotten cancers that became more advanced and serious than yours?     (Or is it something completely different than those things?)    (I strongly hope that by asking those questions I haven't said anything that stimulated your bad feelings.    I'm just trying to understand where you are and how you feel and what are the kind of thoughts that you are overly stuck on, so I can know how to respond.)     I think it's pretty normal for people to feel guilty and depressed for lots of different  reasons when they get cancer, whether it is an easiy cured  brush with the disease or a more sustained, serious involvement .    It's also pretty normal for those feelings to linger after the physical aspects of the cancer have been cured.     But, of course, if they become an all encompassing fixation and  occupy so much of your mind that you are unable to focus on other things in life and feel any enjoyment, then that is different, and  more serious and you may need a professional to help you get over this bad hump.     That's nothing to be ashamed of if it's happened.      Many breast cancer treatment units have psychologists working with them for those that need it.     The intense emotions and fears that come with getting a cancer diagnosis can sometimes get out of control.     

Tortuga303

I feel guilty because i brought the risk of BC to my family. I feel guilty because I was already in a bad place and I've only sunk deeper since then. For the first month or so after my surgery, I felt like I had been given a new chance at life. But then I f'd it up.  

I feel guilty because I know my family is worrying about me. and I can't seem t seem to get myself out of ths dark hole.

My house is in foreclosure, some of my other bills are late. And I'm self medicating by drinking.. 

I'm on Medicaid so I''m seeking out a therapist that accepts that and can help with BC issues. I'm also going to a program for drinking too much. 

Tortuga303

And no one seems to understand that I can't just be "over it" 

Imheretoo

Tortuga, the risk of your family members to get a cancer is not any greater because of any action that you did.     Also, it is most likely, that your cancer has nothing to do with genetic makeup (most do NOT ) and that your family members do not truly have a higher probability of getting cancer than does anyone in the general population.     BUT, since  your daughter, sister and Mom, know that you had a cancer, they will now be more careful at checking themselves and getting controls, and in the unfortunate event that also one of them gets a cancer, they will most likely, just like you did, find it at an early stage, and have an excellent chance to be able to cure it before the disease becomes truly serious.           Cancer is now something on their minds, and thus, through your disease, and the fact that you caught your disease early and cured it easily, you have brought to your family  the protection that comes with awareness, NOT at all a plague!     

I think that what happend is that this cancer hit you when you were, as you said alreay in a bad place emotionally.   Your emotions were already fragile, and the huge stress that we all go through when we learn we have this disease pushed you into a true depression.     

Imheretoo

Being in a true depression is not your fault.    I know.    I've been there.    I know what it means to feel guilty for everything, to feel in a deep hole and unable to do anything right.   And I know that you don't just "get over it" because you want to or because other people think you ought to.    It is good that you realize that the drinking is self-medicating.     This sounds like a real, clinical depression.      You need a psychiatrist who can diagnose you, treat you, and prescribe for you the proper drugs to help you get healthy.    Medicaid should cover that.     Psychiatric drugs are not a "crutch".   They are a needed medication for a disease.      Your depression is not less serious than your cancer.   In fact, it sounds much more serious.       Great that you want to enter into a program to control the drinking.      The drinking is a symptom of your depression.     It does not make you a failure or a bad person, just means, as you intelligently recognized, that you were searching to self-medicate a serious condition and chose what was most easily at hand.      The real appropriate drugs work better than alcohol.   Trust me.     

As for the economic issues, and all the things that have gotten f'd up, you'll only be able to deal with them after you treat your depression.     The first step to getting everything on the right track is seeing a psychiatrist.      This is serious.      But if you allow the doctors to help you they really can.     

Tortuga303

ImHeretoo, 

Thank you so much for you insight. I have searched the Medicaid website for a psychiatrist in my area, but I think I will try to narrow it to someone who specializes in BC issues as well. The drinking program is great for what it is, but I definitely need to deal with the BC issue as well. 

Imheretoo

I wish you well

farmerlucy

Tortuga - Another member used counseling services from cancercare.org and said they were very helpful. If Colorado is anything like Oklahoma mental health providers are few and far between. 

I just checked their website and it says they are free over the phone to anyone in the US.

Might be worth checking into. Here is the link http://www.cancercare.org/mission

I fell apart after my diagnosis. No matter the age or stage we all have things to work out with this stuff.

Let us know how things go. 

jmz

I can understand your feelings of guilt and depression. I am praying for you.