Sister with mastectomy and going through divorce

emerson29610 · September 2014

My sister had a double preventive mastectomy at least 2 years ago. She was told the horror stories of husbands leaving/no longer being attracted to their spouses and relationships changing but for the sake of her marriage and children, she went through with the surgery (as I would hope most women would do). During her recovery process and after she caught her husband talking to other women (all of which were in perfect shape and had large breasts). From then on I believe her confidence started fading. She went through complications with the reconstructive process and ending up having 7 surgeries and was left physically and emotionally scarred without breasts. Her husband was barely there for her during all her pain and never reassured her of her beauty inside AND out. Ever.

About a month ago her husband asked for a divorce. (We all believe he never deserved her anyway). Well, she is absolutely devastated after 16 years with this man. Unfortunately, she blames the surgery for part of her failed marriage and has said multiple times she wishes she hadn't gone through with it and would rather have taken the chances with cancer. If you try to tell her that she did the right thing for her family, then she goes on to say that she'll never find any man to love her - because what man wants a woman with no breasts she says; she'll never feel comfortable sexually with someone; she will never see herself as beautiful; etc. She has even gone to say she no longer wants to live because her life will be miserable because she will be alone forever because what man would want her. I thought maybe it was initial hurt, but these comments, thoughts and feelings have continued for weeks with her.

I've tried telling her that she isn't the only woman out there who's ever had a mastectomy and gotten a divorce, I tried explaining that women and men who've been scarred, lost arms, legs, or who are or have been disfigured, do and can find love. She refuses to accept that. I've begged and pleaded for her to try and be grateful for what she does have - her life, her children, a house, etc. but for her not having boobs has completely changed the strong woman she once was. Her counselor even went on to say that with her permission she'd explain to us why she can never move on from him because of her mastectomy (some counselor she is, absolutely ridiculous to hear coming from someone who is supposed to help people through hard times, not hold them back).

Please someone help me, I've run out of things to say to my sister to try and make her feel better or have her open up her eyes and see that life COULD be worse. She just says I don't understand - which I get it, I have my 2 boobs and I'm not getting a divorce, but I've read so many happy-ending stories that I believe that good things can come from bad situations. She believes she is alone in this world. I have no idea what to do anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you all so much.

Deb5013 · September 2014

Oh wow I felt like I was reading my own post with a few things left out so I will summarize it for you My daddy died Christmas day 2006 then I find out my 17 year old daughter is pregnant in March/ April 2007 then my original bc diagnosed in 2008 went thru 9 months of chemo then a month and a half of rads, in February I had opted to have bi-lateral masectomy then was going in for surgery in September of 2010 and the night before surgery my then husband decided to tell me he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce now had anyone told me that he was a cheater or a complete Jerk I would have said Absolutely not was ned for about 4 years then boom it came back in October 2012 and had went tot bones and liver and I had just reunited with the love of my life and high school sweetheart two weeks before my rediagnoses, but before that happened I was asked out a lot and dated and felt 16-20 once again , now I'm not saying I was happy about the divorce after almost 20 years of marriage and almost 25 years together, because I hadn't even realized we were having issues but I guess he felt different and come to find out he had been cheating for quite sometime , so tell your sister for me that having mastectomies and all is no big deal it will not stop her life and they make beautiful bras and all and just don't take it off I never did haha (until the love of my life asked me too, and his words I will never forget he said" I'm not in love with younot your body , I love you for you) We are more that a set of BOOBS, its whats inside and her husband leaving has nothing to do with her HE IS just a JERK and she deserves better and will find it!!! sorry if I rambled to much just hate that she has to go thru this but tell her for me there is life and love out there for her and until she finds it she will get to go out to very nice dinners and shows , etc and to have the time of her life I did and not once on any of those dates was the first question Do you have BOOBS????? haha and if she needs to vent or ask questions PM me I will give you my number and she or you can call anytime.

Hugs to you both and you are a GREAT Sister,

Deb