I feel stupid, but lately I've been depressed again...

KimbytheSea

I'm two years cancer-free. Why I'm suddenly obsessing again is a mystery. 

I think Breast Cancer Awareness month really messes with me. I support research for a cure but it always makes me SO aware of something I like to put on the back burner while I live my life.

I'm a reporter so I had to do all sorts of research to do stories on BC and it put me in a funk.

For example, I don't know anybody on these boards who is 10 or 20 years cancer-free who had Triple Positive ILC. I feel like a big baby, but I got depressed when one researcher told me HER2+ was the most likely cancer to metastasize to the brain. I would just love to hear from even one ILC Triple Positive who is more than 10 years cancer-free.

kar123

I don't have the diagnosis your are looking for, but I can relate to the 'funk' and it is always worse in October for me too.  All the morning shows have some sort of story on it and sometimes they are not happy endings but still supposed to lift us up in inspiration.  You should do a story on how October and Pink make many survivors anxious and even angry.  Anxious because it's a daily reminder for an entire month and angry because of how the movement has been abused by corporations and organizations a marketing tool.  I always express my feelings about October to my friends and then give them some charities that only go to research as options.  If you do that story, please, please post it here!    

Mommato3

I agree with kar123.  There are so many stories out there in October that deals with survivors, but they aren't able to share how they really feel about this time.  I just started this journey and already feel anxious about everything turning pink.  If I had know years ago about how little $ actually goes to research, I would have skipped buying the pink shirt and donated directly.  

Don't ever feel bad about being anxious/depressed.  BC is scary and we're all entitled to our feelings!  

KimbytheSea

Ladies, I can't thank you enough for your support. You've both validated my feelings. I thought I was a big whiner. I really hate the cutesy pink stuff. I think it's hardly about us anymore. Corporations are taking it over.

Like you, I'd rather give directly to breast cancer research. 

This is also the month my late husband and I were married in 1990, and his birthday. So to turn it pink, too, is a nightmare. I was widowed suddenly when he died of a heart attack while we were bicycling at Lake Tahoe. A year later, I got breast cancer. I had to go through it without my dear Dennis. I used to love October. I'd like to love it again. 

Thanks again Ladies.

kar123

I also think the 2 year mark is a little harder to deal with than the 1st year.  The 1st year treatments are ending, surgeries are done and over with.  A little more celebratory.  At 2 years (at least for me), everything hit me hard and I had a lot more time to think.  It's a roller coaster for sure!  So sorry about your husband.  Best thing I can say is let this feeling wash over you and then swim out of it and try to enjoy life.

Alloway

I agree- 2 years is just long enough for the shock to have blunted slightly but the adrenaline surge which gets you through treatment to plunge and hit you hard. I suffered depression at this stage- just when everyone thinks you should be able to pick up the strands and adapt to your new normal. Well, it didn't happen for me. I'd gone back to teaching in a Further Education College but only got to October before I had to stop work again. I just couldn't speak to people and that was a teeny problem given that I teach English and love discussing the literature. When my dear colleagues did try to help I would start to cry and once started, couldn't stop.

I think we are under enormous pressure at this stage. Be kind to yourself and don't consider valid worries and concerns to be "whining". I think it's an additional strain for everyone diagnosed around this time of year as we face our cancerversaries and all the b....y pink!! At least the leaves are orange and red!!

208sandy

It's not whining - and this Pinktober nonsense puts everyone into a depression - I wish they'd stop it!!!!!

I, too, lost my husband just a year after diagnosis and he passed away at the beginning of November so I equate this hellish month to his passing as well - no wonder so many of us are on drugs for depression - I don't watch daytime television for the whole month of October I just can't handle it and my diagnosis was six years ago!

Anonymous

I share your feelings for sure.  I too am put off my all the PINK.  I have not worn anything pink from my closet since my diagnosis in June. October puts in my face at every turn, how I have a disease that could kill me...after it highjacked my life.  I just returned from a trip and saw pink ribbons and marketing efforts by the airlines to promote breast cancer awareness month.  I turned away.  I don't trust the awareness campaign because it was dreamed up and promoted by a drug company. Im not even sure if the research money even goes to the kind of cancer I have since its in the small minority of breast cancers.

On another note... I have read extensively on ILC and have read very very little on triple positive.  Hope you are able to connect with someone else who shares your specific diagnosis.  

Morwenna

I'm somewhat relieved to read your comments about the second anniversary. I was diagnosed October 2012, and lately have been feeling SO depressed and gloomy, and full of dread about recurrence. 

Visited Safeway today, and they have their full-on pink thing going. The checkout girl asked me if I wanted to make a donation for breast cancer, and I'd been waiting for the question, wondering how to answer, but only managed a sort of gulp, then "not today Thankyou", just about managing not to burst into tears or tell her I had (had?) breast cancer myself.

I'm not looking forward to running this gauntlet for all my grocery trips for the rest of the month. Any tips???

Lily55

how much of this money goes direct to the charity? 

Bellis

 I'am also very relieved to read your comments about the second anniversary.  It was a very difficult time for me too. Thanks for sharing.

I feel a little better now (three months from third anniversary) but not quite as happy as I expected to be.

macb04

Don't feel  stupid about how miserable life can get after they destroy our lives, our sense of ourselves. I know that some combination  of causes , like estogen mimics in plastics or secondhand smoke  exposure  from my mom aflicted me with this horrible business.  (No family hx). I am still  very sad and angry. Not all the time, but c bothers me every day somehow  someway.  I hate that stupid  breast cancer  awareness  month. Did you all see that movie Pink Ribbon Inc? I think that is the name.  You can buy  or  rent it at Amazon.com.  It shows you  that it's all a for profit money  making racket. I doubt they will  ever come up with a cure here in the USA , too much money  to lose.  My husband thinks a cure will come from some country that is poor or does socialized medicine and has removed the profit motive from the research equation.  I take the alternative less traveled road and i feel much safer and less sad/nervous. I see an oncology  trained Naturopath, who helps me. I don't go back to cancerland anymore, hated it there.