Wife recently diagnosed

Hubby2Cee

My name is Ray, and I'm new here. This is only my third post. The other two are in my wife's thread in the alternative treatment section. Look for something by Cee67 if you wanted to read about what she's going through from her perspective. Her name is Colette (Cee for short). She thought it might be a good idea for me to come in here and talk about what I'm feeling, since this diagnosis has had at least as much of a devastating effect on me as it has had on her.

Let me outline our situation a little bit. Cee was born with a visual disability and I am the sole breadwinner. Her vision precludes her being able to drive, so when I'm at work (I drive trucks for a living, and though I don't work over the road and I get home every night, I am gone 12 to 14 hours a day), she is stuck here at home. If she needs to see her onc, or has any other kind of appointment for a test or something, I take a day off work. Not that I mind...I put in a lot of hours as it is, and any extra time I get to spend with her is precious to me. And taking a day off doesn't hurt us money wise too badly, so neither of us mind. But I digress....

Anyway, so she has the visual disability, and she had a less than ideal childhood where she dealt with an abusive grandmother who raised her for a long period, instead of her mother doing it like she should've. But that's another story I won't bore you with here. And she had been born with a congenital hip condition as well that was treated when she was an infant. So fast forward to a few months ago when she was diagnosed with a tumor under her right arm and some form of cancer in her breast. We're not sure yet what type of cancer she has, because she's been undergoing various tests, and we're waiting until next week when we'll see her doctor to get what we hope will be more information. She hasn't made a final decision whether to take chemo. She has done a lot of research about it, and she always knew that she would be afraid to get it in a case like this, and her research has validated those fears. You might be thinking, "Why would she not take it"? I asked myself that same question at first, and was even kind of angry that she would consider refusing conventional treatments, but after hearing about all of chemo's 1001 side effects, I had a change of heart where chemo was concerned. If she chooses not to take chemo, I will support her decision. If she does choose to take it, I will support her decision, despite my fears of what it might do to her.

But the overriding question that we both grapple with is - Why? Why does she get a breast cancer diagnosis? Wasn't it enough that she was born with extremely limited vision, and had to deal with grandma?? I won't say that I'm in denial, but I am in complete disbelief. I'm scared beyond words for her, and I am doing everything I can to make things easier for her, but I am still going to work every day worried to death for her. And the most frustrating part for me, anyway, is that I seem to be the only one who gives a damn. Well, we have a good friend who has pledged to be there for her whenever she is needed, but beyond that, I'm it.

Her family.... Her family is behaving in a way that a lot of you might find unbelievable. Well, two people in particular. Her Grandfather is 89 years old and is helping us financially, which is really all he can do. He suffers from Alzheimer's pretty severely these days, and so doesn't drive anymore, and helping us with money is what he can do. But that's something, right? Her mother, on the other hand, shows only mild concern whenever we tell her about the lack of support we get, or any new information about her condition, like recent weight loss, which we attribute to her eating less because of stress. There is the occasional offer to help, but usually at the behest of someone else, namely her can't-be-trusted felon sister, who is the only one in the household who can drive. This person, her aunt, though, is the one who really burns me. She literally doesn't care that her niece has cancer. Oh, there are the forced "I love you's" and "I'd take the cancer from you if I could" - but it's all BS. There are few, if any, phone calls, no offers of help, no offers to get something from the store, no surprise knocks at the door to see if she needs anything, no offers to come and just be company. I actually got into a screaming match with her aunt one day when we went over to the house (all these people I've mentioned live together in her Grandfather's home), when we wanted to discuss the possibility of Cee getting rides to doctor appointments from them, so I didn't need to take so many days off. It was thought that this would take some of the pressure of off me. When we wanted to include her aunt (who would be doing the driving) in the conversation, she kept putting us off, saying "I'll be there in a minute". A minute becomes five, becomes 10...  So anyway, I yelled out to her, "Nancy! Will you put your *&^#!?&^$ bras down and come talk to us?!" The response? "YES SIR!" in her best dismissive tone. Then she comes in and starts saying that she never said she wouldn't help and starts getting in my face, whining about the makeup that she dropped on the floor and that her plants are dying - and things escalated to the point where I wanted to hit her. This after she told my wife that "My life doesn't stop just because YOU'RE DYING!" When things calmed down a bit, I apologized to her. But I didn't do it for Nancy. I did it for Cee. Nancy can rot in Hell for all I care. You might be able to understand now why I feel like that.

I do everything I can think of to make Cee happy, to make her feel loved and to let her know that I care beyond reason. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. When she cries because she is scared of chemo, of maybe dying before she's 50, I am there for her. My own needs are secondary. I take her on trips to the store to buy clothes, which she always used to love, but since her diagnosis, she has felt less like doing that. But there have been a couple times recently where she has felt that happiness again, which makes me happy. Her happiness is my chief concern. I support her use of an alternative treatment, and I am behind her for whatever treatment related decisions she might make. Our friend, Tammy, has been awesome. She comes and takes time out of her day to take Cee to appointments, takes her to lunch, spends the day with her just watching movies - all in an effort to help. More than she gets from her own family. My family helps as much as they can, but they live in another state, and so being here physically to help is not practical.

I'm sorry this has dragged on a bit, but I just wanted to come in and say my peace.

Holeinone

Hubby, sorry that you & Cee are not getting the support from family that you need. 

Acceptance of the diagnosis is hard, but, it is what it is. 

It is her decision if she does not want conventional treatment. Some ladies will have surgery, remove the cancer but chose no chemo. I hated getting chemo, but I knew it was necessary. 

I hope you both get good advice from the Drs. & proceed with what treatment she needs, or will do. At some point we all try to deal with it, then move forward. Life is too short ( cancer or not )  so the sooner we get through this nightmare the sooner we get back to our normal activities.