Loneliness and depression

Mary85

Loneliness and depression

Mary85

Hello ladies. Sorry for such a gloomy post--I just haven't felt much like myself lately. I was dx October of last year and I guess I thought by now my life would be back to normal. I know recovery isn't something you can rush; I'm just tired of being sick basically. Through all of this I have kept a positive attitude but it seems like the longer I stay sick, the more it chips away at my positive attitude and my happiness. 

I have a huge loving and supportive family but somehow I still feel alone. I feel isolated. I see my friends and family enjoying their lives and I hate to admit this but I feel so envious of them sometimes. I feel so small and pathetic...and sick. I feel trapped in this body. I can barely walk, and when I do walk it's accompanied with pain and shortness of breath. And even when I'm lying still, I'm in pain or fatigued or nauseous...or all three sometimes. The only time I leave my house is to go to yet another doctors appointment.

I feel so ugly...my self esteem is so low. At first I didn't care about being bald or not having breasts anymore but now I hate it. Plus the steroids have made me gain so much weight that I can't fit most of my clothes and the rest I look terrible in. I can't even bend over to shave my legs and I feel so embarrassed when I wear dresses. I don't feel like a woman at all. I feel like a monster.

Right now, my family is getting ready to go to a wedding. Everyone is out picking up their outfits from the dry cleaners and going to the salon. I'm sitting here in bed crying because I really want to go but I don't feel well enough to attend. I know this sounds so ridiculous but I just want to get dressed up and go somewhere nice. I don't want to be alone sitting in this room crying.

WinningSoFar

Dear Mary,

I'm so sad to hear the despair and sorrow in your post.  I think I was starting to go down the same road when I was diagnosed.  I remember telling my surgeon that sometimes life just seemed too hard and unfair.  Luckily, he heard me and immediately put me on antidepressants (Effexor, 37.5 mg).  I thought, oh, that's a waste of time and money, but I took them anyway.  From then on, I never had that despair feeling again.  That's what I recommend for you, just because it worked for me.  I'm not pushing Effexor, because everybody is different.  I just wanted you to know what worked for me.  

These days, 3 years later, my life is definitely good.  I still need to drop a ton of weight and get active, but I'm much more positive that I can do it.   I hope the same for you, my dear. 

chrissyb

Hi Mary.  I'm so sorry you are feeling so down right now.  I know you said you don't feel well enough to go to the wedding but could you perhaps go just for the ceremony and then come home to rest?  Just a thought and it would give you the opportunity to dress up a bit and get out.  

It was just a thought..........I'm sending you a very warm gentle ((((((hug))))))) in the hope it will give you enough good feelings to lift your mood.

Love and more (((((hugs)))))).   Chrissy

floaton

Mary, I'm also sorry you're feeling so bad .  I could have written a similar post re: the fatigue and nausea and pain last month.  I think for me things are starting to look up a little but part of it for me anyway was that I had to process / get past being sooo very angry and hurt and frustrated that everyone (including me!) expected me to be "better" at a year (which for me is next week).  I also found the energy somehow to see some new drs/therapists re: my pain (and to buy some bigger pants I felt I looked good in, cause it totally sucked to start my day not be able to button anything!) and it's lifting a little.  There is hope, but this is a really rough time and my heart aches for you going through it. 

zjrosenthal

Hey Mary, I am just starting treatment, first chemo was last Monday.  I already felt some loneliness and jealousy that my husband was able to go out with some friends yesterday while I sat home.  I try to remember that there are others much sicker than me.  Seeing the children in wheel chairs, white as ghosts and bald, being treated at Sloan Kettering kinda helps put things in perspective for me.  My spirituality helps too.  I am a Christian and lean on Jesus a lot. Sending up a prayer for you right now.  You are alive and beautiful and you will get better.  

MerrellGirl

Mary85,

I sure hope you got thru the weekend okay.  I too have been down that hole you were in.  The good thing is that each new day brings with it the hope of better days ahead.  This road is a tough one for us, so be really easy on yourself.  No matter how large your family, or how well-meaning people are, going thru treatment is often very lonely.  Come to these boards like you did on Saturday and get some of it out.  There's always company here.

I have a little one too - she's almost 7.  It hurt me to have to spend less time with her while I was in chemo treatment, but I tried to ensure she was surrounded with lots of loving relatives and friends after school and each weekend.  Hopefully you can do that too.

I will add you to my prayer list tonite Mary85.  May our Lord lift you and keep you moment by moment. . .MerrellGirl

bobogirl

Hi Mary!  {{{{hugs}}}}  You have come to the right place.  We hear you.  Our sisters here have given you some good advice, I think.  I just wanted to add that you are beautiful -- you are a beautiful soul, and you're going to feel better.  And we are all sending you love!  XOXOXO

tangandchris

yes, going thru chemo and rads I felt lonely....still do at times. I understand and so do many of us here, that feeling that you are now somehow different and no one really "gets it". This is hard stuff we are dealing with, it can help if you can find a support group or even a counselor. Not sure if you attend church, but that can be a good resource as well.

((hugs))

blondiex46

Another board saying have friends n family but still feel alone

zjrosenthal

So sorry you feel so alone.  Cancer is a very isolating disease.  If you wish, contact me privately.  I will be praying for you to find some comfort and peace.  Love, Jean 

gigi0403

Feels like I am falling into a black hole that I can't seem to get out of.  I finished my radiation 6 months ago and things seem to be getting worse instead of better.  I am now dealing with lymphedema, neuropathy, chronic right arm and shoulder pain and the list goes on and on.  When I was going through treatment I was so busy fighting that I did not have time for any emotion.  Now, I am anxious, depressed and angry all the time.  

I wake up everyday put on my "day" face and go to work and then when I get home I completely fall apart.  I barely have enough energy to take care of myself much less my 11 yr old son.  I share custody with my ex-husband so on the week that he is with his Dad I am a complete mess!!

I can't eat or sleep because I am constantly stressed.  I worry about money, I am in pain all the time and I never leave my home anymore.  It takes everything that I have to get out of bed every morning and I don't know what to do. 

I am on so many meds for pain, thyroid, sleep and stomach issues that I can't afford to pay for my meds for depression too.  I know that I need to go back on them but I simply can't afford to pay for them all.  I feel so overwhelmed and don't know where to turn. 

I don't know how to deal with it all, if anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.

gigi

Moderators

Dear gigi, We are so sorry that you are having such a rough time and very glad that you reached out for help. We know that others here have experienced  similar feelings post treatment. While you are waiting to hear back from others take a look at some information on our site about depression. Please consider talking to your doctor about what you are experiencing. Seek help from others in your circle, consider attending a support group in your area. Reaching out for help can be the first and most important step in climbing out of the black hole. It is hard to do it alone. Keep us posted. We want to continue to hear from you. The Mods

blondiex46

GIGI  we r here, there is help to pay for medications I am sure we can help you find out where and how....Where do you live in GA, maybe there is someone that lives near you.  Do you have any support, like family and/or friends that you can talk to.  We all go through what you are going through you are not alone. We are here for you.. Stress is not good can you find something that you like to do, what about walking.

We all wish we lived near each other so we could help.  you need to eat and make sure you are drinking....Are you done treatment now?  the issues you are having now I have not experienced but there are alot of people here who have, reach out to them...

Please stay...we are here for you and you are not alone!!!

Sandy aka blondie

ganzgirl2010

I am going thru the same thing right now. Im almost always in pain and I am always exhausted. I hate getting fressed because nothing fits right anymore. I hate looking in the m irror so I don't. I hardly leave the house except for doctor appointments or to go to the grocery store, and I try to avoid that as much as possible. I feel like every one is staring, Ive even caught some people staring and making faces (probably wondering why the woman in line doesn't have boobs. Some days I don't  even get out of bed. I just want to crawl under a rock sometimes. I have a 12 year old daughter and 16 year old son. I have joint custody with their father but they spend most of the time at their dads because we didn't want to change schools. Two weeks before my surgery, my son was so angry that he told me to rot in hell. I was and still am devastated . He still hasn't apologized My daughter has been attached at the hip, she was by my side  right up until the wheeled me into surgery, I was lucky because I didn't have to have chemo or radiation ..I feel stupid for venting because there are so many women that are going thru so much more.

I just want me life back, my body back I want to be me again

ganzgirl2010

I am going thru the same thing right now. Im almost always in pain and I am always exhausted. I hate getting dressed because nothing fits right anymore. I hate looking in the mirror so I don't. I hardly leave the house except for doctor appointments or to go to the grocery store, and I try to avoid that as much as possible. I feel like every one is staring, Ive even caught some people staring and making faces (probably wondering why the woman in line doesn't have boobs. Some days I don't  even get out of bed. I just want to crawl under a rock sometimes. I have a 12 year old daughter and 16 year old son. I have joint custody with their father but they spend most of the time at their dad because we didn't want to change schools. Two weeks before my surgery, my son was so angry that he told me to rot in hell. I was and still am devastated . He still hasn't apologized My daughter has been attached at the hip, she was by my side  right up until the wheeled me into surgery, I was lucky because I didn't have to have chemo or radiation ..I feel stupid for venting because there are so many women that are going thru so much more.

I just want me life back, my body back I want to be me again