i am so depressed and so lost

maryzbarelysurviving

I do not get it. I was a pilates instructor training for fitness competitions and was 34 years old and in the best health of my life. Boom. You have cancer, and bonus its three different kinds in one boob...0.01 cm is all that saved me from being staged up. I thought i would have my life back by now. My chemo cocktail destroyed me. I now have the bone density of an 89 year old woman, 2 broken hips and all of the discs in my spine except 4, are broke, herniated or screwed in some other way. Oh and as teeth are bones, they fell out. Ikm a titless soon to be no gender person with no teeth and if i could ride a horse, i could be a cross between a crackhead and a hillbilly. There is some new concern, but do not yet have the details. My familybailed by round 2 of chemo and friends bailed almost as soon as i was diagnosed. I am stuck. I cannot move on. I used to be a perosn with goals, lists and lists of them. And now i curse waking up everyday. I thought i would have big fake boobs and my life back a year after treatment. Five years later and have no fight left in me. Now what?

Moderators

Hello maryzbarelysurviving, 

We're sorry your circumstances brought you here but we want to welcome you to Breast Cancer.org where you will find so many others who can really relate to what you're going through and can offer support to you. 

Hang tight for replies to your post

Sending you lots of hugs!!

from the moderators

Momine

You have one really important thing left (and probably many more) - your sense of humor. You completely cracked me up with the "cross between a crackhead and a hillbilly." I know what you mean. It really is a complete bitch of a disease and hanging on to yourself through the onslaught is definitely a challenge. But your voice come through loud and clear. You are here and you are heard. Huge and hugely gentle hugs.

bobogirl

Mary, hello!  *waving*

I agree with momine (Hi Momine!).  You are not a hillbilly crackhead.  You are one tough and tenacious real-as$ b1tch!  You have been through so much, and it sounds like you have not had much good support.  That happened to me, and that happens to so many of us.

But NOW, you have us.  The sisterhood here is like no other.  It's easy to say, hard to do, but... one step at a time!  You can look through these threads for answers to so many things regarding your treatment and your life after treatment (and on bco itself).  Can you get to your PCP?  Do you have a good one?  It seems you need a kick-as$ doctor to help you deal with one issue at a time (regarding getting your strength and health back)..

Sending you gentle hugs!  XOXOXO

dlb823

No doubt about it, surviving bc treatment can absolutely leave us feeling lost with some serious PTSD issues.  One thing that helped me calm down about it was seeing that our local hospital puts on a 2-day seminar just to deal with the aftermath of treatment and reinventing a new you.  Although I didn't attend it (I wasn't quite done with tx when I saw the flyer), it greatly eased my angst to realize that I wasn't alone, and that emotional and physical healing from what I'd been through was going to require and open mind and some effort.

One day at a time is great advice.  Start where you are and don't expect changes overnight.  Baby steps -- maybe starting a walking routine (great for mental detoxing and boosting endorphines), and make whatever medical appointments you need  to start addressing those problems.  Have faith!  You've already taken a huge step by reaching out here.  You will get better if you don't give up!      (((Hugs)))  Deanna

Bcky

Maryzbarelysurviving where did you go? When I read what you have been through I was horrified. Please do not disappear. What stage? Grade? etc. My God. I am so sorry. Please come back.