Depressed and scared

tangandchris

I'm struggling emotionally big time!!! I finished rads 6 days ago and chemo 6/17/14....that is awesome right? I am having such a hard time though and feel very depressed.

I have a history of infection that has haunted me for months now and recently thought it was back. After going and having fluid cultured, it came back clear. However I continue to have pain and a red area, and now a new raised area above the original that is very painful. I was sent to BS and PS to see what they had to say and was told it is scar tissue. ID doctor said maybe your port is infected..haha okay. MO has no clue and when I talked to her about sex problems she basically told me it was all in my head.

This new raised area on my chest has me very upset. I'm supposed to start work Tuesday and I just want things back to normal, but it seems like things are NEVER gonna stop. I know I'm depressed, I feel worthless and have no energy. I feel like a terrible mom, wife, and just a person in general....a complete burden. Even posting this I am not sure if I should because some of ya'll have heard about my history already. I just feel like everyone is tired of me, including the doctors.

I'm on a anti-depressant already, been on it for about 4 years. But I seriously just want to go away, I want to be alone. But then I can't leave my baby girl that is 5.

I'm considering going to ER about this chest thing, but then I think they are going to think I'm crazy too. I just want to run!!!

farmerlucy

Hi tangandchris - I'm sorry for the difficult road. I know that feeling of being so low it is an effort to do anything. All I wanted to do was sleep. Perhaps going back to work might help get your mind off things. Have you been able to find a counselor to talk to? It could help, and won't hurt. I hate that folks automatically judge us as "crazy: when we are really hurting and crying out. I hear you. Sending you a cyber hug. and FWIW - you are none of those things you listed. Why are we harder on ourselves than others? Would you judge your sister, mother, friend, as harshly as you are juding yourself? Take it minute by minute if you have to. Maybe think of one thing you could do today that would make you feel better? A movie, a walk? Repeating cyber hug. 

badger

hi Tang, no advice, just a supportive ear and a gentle ((hug)). ♥ 

Deblc

Tang...I was just about to write a post and read yours..which is basically what I was going to say. I've finished chemo and rads too but still go every three weeks for herceptin. I still feel very tired and recently starting getting headaches and am freaking out about that. I know my MO will send me for a CT if I "start exhibiting symptoms" and I know headaches can be a symptom of mets. I am so afraid that. But I DONT want to go for tests. I am so tired of this!!!!  I DON'T WANT TO KNOW because I don't want to be on this roller coaster ride again, of agonizing over what I should do. I don't want to have to go on any new treatment, I haven't even finished this round, and still don't feel "well". I'm just too exhausted mentally and physically to deal with any more of this CRAP. I wish they had assisted suicide in my country so that I could take that route if the cancer comes back ( and being Stage 3, I know there is a high chance of that)

I totally know how you feel. I don't know how to help you because I can't help myself, but just wanted to say, you are not alone.