Waiting Room

Outfield

I am 3-1/2 years out from finishing treatment.  Yesterday, I went for a follow-up with my radiation oncologist.  He still wants to "keep a close eye" on me, which is in no way reassuring.  I also hated radiation because I knew I was irreversibly damaging a lot of innocent bystander tissues.  I truly believe radiation oncologists paint the damage their treatment does in overly rosy tones and I hate that I had to put myself through it.  But, I did feel I had to do it.

I was already re-experiencing all the fear and dread I used to feel when I went in for treatment when I checked in, my stomach all tense, and then while I was sitting waiting to be called a woman started just sobbing back in the area where only gowned patients can go.  The full out sobbing of terrible, terrible loss.  I wanted to do something, but not being in active treatment I could not go back there, and I couldn't even ask if anyone was back with her because a group came in and had the front desk monopolized for a good long while.  Then they sat down - it was 5 people total - drew some chairs together in a circle, and began laughing and socializing.  They were still there when I left after my appointment.  There were 4 other people sitting scattered at the other side of the waiting area, looking just the way I probably had looked:  pale and tense.

I felt kind of battered all the rest of yesterday.  I still feel this confused guilt.  Should I have just broken the rules and gone back?  The woman would have almost certainly been a total stranger.  Should I have asked the group to cool it?  Is it even bad manners to be laughing in an oncology waiting room?  Just because I can't do it, is that reason to judge them?   I have to just let go of this, but I guess I could still say to the staff there something like, "This is a place where people can be really scared or full of grief, do you think if people are as loud as that group was Friday you could ask them to be respectful?"  Or should I take heart that some people manage to find a little connection in such a bleak place?

SpunkyGirl

I don't know what to say, outfield.  You're a human being, you have a lot going on, and you weren't in a good place to deal with that group, or maybe even with the woman who sounded like she needed someone.  I know that at times, I was the rowdy one while in the treatment room, and then it dawned on me that everyone isn't like me.  You never know if one of those people was a cancer survivor who was happy to be living.  I've learned that everyone has a story, and a life at times filled with tragedy.  My radiation oncologist watched me for a long time, too.   I hope that it does get easier for you, and that you may soon have much laughter and joy in your life.

Bobbie