I think they're all afraid of me now

noonrider

I really have nowhere "safe" to whine, so you guys are going to get the brunt of it tonight! 

I finished chemo 6 weeks ago. I have no idea of its truly hot or cold in a room because I have NO, absolutely NO internal thermostat anymore! I'm freezing when everyone else is hot and I'm dripping in sweat when everyone else is wearing sweatshirts. I am having a really hard time getting my kids dressed every day because I'm HOT, dress them in shorts, only to have my husband say something like "Um…its only 58* out honey." Every morning I have to ask him, "Is it short or pants weather?" because I honestly have no clue. Sleeping is a nightmare. I'm cold…pull the blanket over me and snuggle in, then 8 seconds later I am DYING hot and throw everything off only to repeat the cycle every 5 minutes throughout the night. And can someone please tell me, how is it humanly possible to be hot and cold at the same time????? I am not on hormone pills because I can't take them. I still have my ovaries (loosing those in October) so its not that. Is this all just from chemo?

And then there is my fuse, or lack of it. I am one crabby bitch right now. Every morning I wake up saying to myself, "Self, today lets make a point of talking nice to everyone. Ok?"  I agree with myself and then I step out my bedroom door and ….well my memory is short too.

Last week I cried for 7 days straight. This is very upsetting to me because I am not a crier. My husband used to say all the time, "I'm so glad you don't cry all the time like so-and-so." And then there was cancer and chemo! Yesterday I was at the grocery store, reached in the cooler for milk and a thought came to mind, "Its going to come back." and before I could put the milk in my cart I was crying. The hell???

And then there is sex. Ok, our summer has been full of surgery and chemo. That right there will totally mess up one's sex life. Finally, on a recent night, there was action. That's when I realized he's afraid to touch my breasts. I only have them for two more weeks and then I have my BMX.  I want to feel something! While he was busy my mind was in totally other places, like "How will foreplay work if I can't feel it? How ugly will my reconstructed breasts be? How many months will it be before we have sex again. Needless to say, this last time wasn't one of our best since my head was elsewhere. Our relationship is amazing and always has been. We are absolute best friends. We usually communicate quite well. I hate that cancer has come between us in this area. 

And where are the friends? One calls me on a regular basis but everyone else has just moved on with their lives. We really needed a lot of help to get me through chemo, and people brought meals the first two rounds. After that everyone was gone. We are a big family and expensive to feed. We were more than happy to buy grocery cards for people so we weren't a financial burden on anyone. We just didn't have the time/ability to cook for 7 of us when he was trying to work and I was having my worst days. I think it is going to be even more difficult after my surgery. During chemo I could rally for a couple hours if I had to, but after surgery that will be a lot more difficult. My kids need a lot of help with other things. (All 5 at home have Down syndrome) . Some need help with dressing, all need help with bathing, husband is clueless about the laundry process. 

And my body hurts. All over. I have been somewhat overweight for the last 6 years or so, but not horribly out of shape. I walked a couple miles per day several days per week. But now? Walking to the end of our driveway is tough. . I feel like I'm 100 years old. I don't understand how 6 weeks out I can still feel so crappy? I didn't feel this bad after the first 3 rounds, but the fourth one did me in. My legs are the worst and feel arthritic or something. I tip over all the time or drop things. My son, who is mostly non-verbal, can now say "Uh oh, you k mom?" 

There! That is probably it. All my pressing issues. I know all this stuff is normal, and many of you have been through similar,  I just want it to go away. I want my BC life back! 

SelenaWolf

The emotional roller-coaster of breast cancer/treatment is horrible and, for me, was completely unexpected.  I was very, very well prepared- and informed for everything I would go through on a physical level, but had zero preparation for the psychological explosion that went with it.  The anger, the terror, the anxiety, the hurt, and complete inversion of everything that I had considered solid in my life: my expectation of a long, healthy life because I led a healthy, active lifestyle, my sense of safety, and what I have come to think of as the "blissful ignorance".  Poof!  Gone.  Life as I knew it was up-ended, deconstructed, and re-assembled in a form that I had absolutely no familiarity with.  I felt lost, rudderless, and alienated.  I would look at other people going about their lives and feel a terrible disconnect.  My world had imploded; I felt battered, bruised, shattered and alone, and it was hard to understand that the nuclear reaction that I was experiencing in my head could not be heard by the whole world.

It got a little better during treatment.  I had something to focus on and it distracted me from the unrelenting noise in my head.  But it was only a reprieve; once treatment ended, the noise started again, louder than before.  My nerves were frayed; everything upset me, frightened me, made me angry.  Thankfully, my husband rallied around me; so, too, did my mother, my in-laws, a few good friends, and someone who has since become a very good friend.  Everyone else - most hurtfully, my sister - faded into the background.  Throughout the entire four months of chemo, she didn't once call me or visit.  I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive her, although I'm trying hard to move on.

When people look at me now - three years out - they say, "... oh, you're doing so marvelously well...", they are right.  I am.  But it was a long, hard road getting there.  You need one year to get through treatment and deal with all the physical side effects of that, but you need another year to wrap your head around what happened during the previous year.  Somehow, you come out the other side, although it doesn't seem like it can happen now.  But you will.  Your life will never be the same again because your reality has changed, but that doesn't mean that the new life ahead of you can't be fulfilling and have meaning, and be joyful.

It takes time to get there.  Just remember to be kind to yourself while you're working your way there.  You'll find that the people in your life will re-shuffle; some people will fade out, others will remain steady, and a few will surprise you with their kindness and compassion, and become new friends.  You're goals will re-align with your new reality and you'll be able to plant your feet on solid ground again.  And, yes, the noise in your head will fade... 

Selena