Scared for my mom

Bogie0428

Hello,

I am new to this message board and really unsure where to turn right now.  My mom was diagnosed less than a week ago with breast cancer after a routine mammogram and biopsy.  I am in shock right now and don't know how to handle this.  She has always been the strong one in our family, is the healthiest eater, and I keep asking how this could happen.  I am an only child and my mom is my best friend.  I feel so lost.  She is the only one who really understands me, and right now I can't let her know how scared I am.  She keeps saying all she wants is for me not to worry, which is not going to happen. I have been married for about a year but feel that my husband doesn't understand either.  He wants me to feel more positive but when I am at home I just break down and my husband just seems to make me more upset/mad. I am OK in front of my mom but lose it when I'm away from her.  I am also so worried about my dad.  A few years ago he had open heart surgery and I'm worried about his health, too.  He also lost a former wife to breast cancer when she was only my age (28) so I'm sure this is bringing back a lot for him.  I can tell he's really scared but we can't even discuss it together because we both start breaking down, and can't do that right now in front of my mom.  I also don't trust  the info my mom is giving me right now because she was barely able to tell me about this.  At first when her biopsy was scheduled she told me she was going in for a dental appointment (I knew she was not telling the truth because she said they were going to go over her options with her teeth...so I started crying because I just knew something was wrong).  She doesn't want me with her at her appointment with her surgeon either - I know it's because she doesn't want me to hear anything bad but I just want to be with her.  She says she wants my dad and aunt to go (my aunt is a nurse) and that if I come along there will be too many people.  I would like to hear the info firsthand so I know what we're up against, and also be there to support her.  But I think she doesn't want me to see her upset either and my aunt says she won't be honest about her fears and questions with the surgeon if I'm there.

I've never felt this kind of fear before. My mom and I have so many plans (when I have kids she wants to be a stay at home grandma as she says), and I want to know she will be here.  I never ever thought she would be diagnosed with breast cancer.  The good news is that they believe it's early stages and she has a top surgeon so I think her prognosis is good.  I know I have to pick myself up and feel more positive but I don't know how.  I also just want to be with my mom right now.  I know I can't let her know I am scared but I just don't know who to talk to.  Thought I'd come here to see others' stories.  Also, any advice on how to let my mom know I need and want to be with her?  I love my mom so much and just want to be there for her.

WhiteButterfly

Reading your post was like somebody crawled into my head and posted what has been floating around there for the last week.  I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, my mother was just diagnosed too, and I have no idea how to process my emotions.  I'm angry and scared and I feel hopeless and lost and all I want to do is cry and scream. 

As I go on though these next few weeks, especially after reading your post I willl know I'm not alone. And know your not either. And know that your emotions are your own so express them however you have to there is no right or wrong way. 

Good luck, and be well.

Moderators

Hi and welcome to Breastcancer.org. We're sorry you have to be here, but glad you found us. You may find information from other discussion board members very helpful. Your mothers are lucky to have caring family like yourselves.

It is quite a shock to family members to hear this type of news regarding their beloved mothers. In addition to the great advice from the others, you may also find this section helpful to read. Understanding
Breast Cancer

If you are able to attend appointments with your Moms, that is very useful and often much needed support that can mean a lot to them. Be open to them about how scared you are for them and they may be able to express to you their worries. Having someone to openly talk to when needed, even just over a phone, can be more support than you could imagine.

Thinking
of you, 

The Mods

Ariom

Hello Bogie and Whitebutterfly! Welcome to BCO, you've come to the best place to get information and support! 

You are both in a very scary place right now, but as more information comes to light it will get easier.

My Mother was diagnosed with BC back in '94 just 4 months after we lost my Dad. I was terrified I would lose them both. in the same year. My Mother had a radical Mastectomy and Axillary Clearance and took Tamoxifen for 5 years. I was with her all the way. I am an only child and was able to pay back some of the great care she'd given me. She went on to live another 10 years, passing away from something unrelated to the Breast Cancer.

Your Mothers are very lucky to have you both, I won't lie to you, it can be very tough, but I know my Mother and I became closer than we'd ever been, while she went through her journey.

Try to take some deep breaths and get as much information as you can about the diagnosis. Stay away from Dr Google, it will scare you and give you unreliable information. Ask for advice here from others who have the same diagnosis.

I wish you both all the very best!

Sunshineinky

I am a mom with breast cancer.  My 26 year old daughter is my only child.  I can understand why your mom has tried to keep you from appointments.  I did exactly the same thing.  I wouldn't even allow my daughter to be there on surgery day because I knew I would be emotional and I didn't want her to see me in that condition.  

As mothers, we do everything in our power to shield our children from hurt and pain.  I do share information with my daughter, I do have her listed as a person that can get information and I try to reassure her in every way I can.  I am honest when sharing information with her.

We only do these things because we love you.  I know my daughter can handle my diagnosis but I don't want her to worry. She's currently expecting her 2nd child, works full time and she and her husband have a 3 year old.  

The best thing you can do is call every single day, tell her you love her, ask about appointments, send flowers, clean her house acknowledge that she's tired (cancer treatment is so tiring) and finally understand that you are her biggest concern.  It doesn't matter how old our children are we want them happy, healthy and safe.  

Good luck to your moms! 

ProvGirl86

Wow. Reading this post was the ultimate flashback...

I haven't been on this forum for years, and I turned to it myself when my mother was diagnosed a few years ago. Perhaps it's because we're the same age or because we both chose a similar topic headline, but I was struck with emotion reading your post and felt compelled to reply.

First off, I wish nothing but the best to you and your family. This is an incredible confusing and depressing time, but you will get through it and be stronger than ever. I can't tell you what's best for you and your mother, but I can tell you what worked for me.

Be open and honest with your mom. It's okay to tell her you're scared and it's okay to break down. I'm sure you're both very emotional and stressed at this time, and the worst think you can do is bottle it in. You need to release that tension.

It helps to understand what's going on, so if your mom can reconsider I would try to go on a few appointments with her. I found that hearing information straight from nurses and doctors was the best thing for me. Cancer is very complicated- so it's best to learn from the experts.

Ultimately, try to stay positive and continue to live life normally. I think this goes for everyone in your family. You need to stay busy and active, or you'll drive yourself crazy. It's difficult to talk to friends about cancer sometimes, so you're lucky you've found this forum. There are also lots of support groups like http://www.sharecancersupport.org/

You're in my thoughts and prayers. 

-Jess