Cannot see my mom suffering

SidB

Hi. I am new to this forum and I'm glad I found it. My mom has metastatic liver cancer. Primary was in breast. I need to talk about my feelings since I cannot share them with my family. They look to me for support and I pretend to be strong in front of them. But I am scared on the inside.

My mom was diagnosed in 2007 with stage 2 breast cancer. She had chemo and surgery and radiation and survived that time. Her chemo was very painful and left her very weak.  I saw her suffer everyday for the 9 months of chemo and when it ended I thought that was it and she will be ok now. But she wasn't. She was never the same again. She was weak and had joint pain. And she was diagnosed with mets last year. She has mets in her bones and the majority are in her liver. Then again her oncologist started chemotherapy last year and my mom got very very sick and she has been on her bed since then so the doctors suggested that we cannot treat her anymore. They stopped her chemo and told us how nothing can be done now. She is very sick and in pain.  Although she is conscious and aware of everything but she is very weak. We were advised to give her supportive treatment and thats all that can be done. Since a month she has been getting ascites (fluid in the abdomen) and the doctors take it out but she develops it again. She also has abdominal pain. She cannot get up and walk anymore. 

All I want to know is how much longer will she have to endure the pain. Seeing her like this makes me wish that her death comes quick so that she doesn't have to suffer anymore. Even she says this. I know it might sound harsh and mean but believe me I cannot see her in pain. How worse will her condition get? I mean what comes next? Will her kidneys start failing? Will she go into a coma? I know no one can really say but I don't know what to do. Please can someone tell me how to deal with seeing your mom suffering.

Moderators

SidB, hello and a warm welcome to the community. We're so sorry to hear about your mom. What can we say only that the ladies here are very kind and will be here offer you a listening ear and support.

Sending our warmest thoughts to you and your family.

hugs from the mods.

Janett2014

So sorry you and your mom are going through this. I have no advice but know that there are many people here who are thinking about you and praying for you. Have her doctors talked to you about hospice care?

ruthbru

Please get her enrolled in Hospice ASAP. They will be such a blessing in guiding her and your whole family through this difficult time.

Obxflygirl1

I'm not sure what country you are in. If you're in the U.S., then please ask your mom's doctor for drugs to manage her pain.  If they have already prescribed drugs, please call the doctor and tell his office how much pain your mom is still in.  Her pain can be managed.

Also ask if they will give you information to contact hospice.  Hospice will come every day if needed and see that your mom is as comfortable as she can be.  I lost a loved one to cancer last year and they were wonderful.  They told me what to expect and signs to look for.   I will keep you and your family in my prayers .

TB90

SidB:  There is almost nothing worse than watching a loved one suffer.  But it may actually be harder on you than it is on her.  Your mom is likely on meds to keep her comfortable and these meds may also be keeping her calm.  You need to take care of yourself.  There should be a palliative care physician to talk to and there is almost always a social worker available to family members during these times.  Please ask for help and support.  It is wonderful that you are there for your mom, but you also need to get away and get a break once in awhile.  While we nursed our mother through her brief illness with lung cancer, the palliative care team was wonderful in ensuring that we all had the support that we needed.  They could not give us a definite life expectancy, but could give us a general sense about how much time she may have left and what to expect.  So please do not handle this on your own.  Even the strong one in the family has to have support.  Get in those special moments and say what you need and want to with your mom, but allow yourself to get a break so that you can be there for your mom for as long as is required.  ((((((hugs)))))))  

TB90

Sorry, I do see now that your mom is in pain still.  This always shocks and saddens me.  The team needs to put your mom on pain meds and her pain can be managed.  You will feel much better once your mom is resting more peacefully.  Pain management is a right, not an option.

SidB

Thank younfor your kind words everyone. It means a lot to me. I will

edwards750

Bless your heart Sid you are a son to be proud of. I'm sure your parents are. Such a heavy burden for a child. My parents are no longer living and when they passed away we were prepared for the inevitable. 

I can imagine how hard it is to see her in pain and not be able to stop her suffering. Chemo is brutal for some people and a double dose is unimaginable. 

The thing is you are doing all you can for her. Only God knows for sure when her time in this life will be over. So hard to accept. You sound like a strong person and even though you could use some family support and you should ask for it, you appear to be your Mom's caregiver. An incredible responsibility. 

I watched friends deteriorate so I prayed harder. Didn't change the outcome but I found a sense of peace knowing what was to come. Not a religious zealot at all but it was the only thing I could hold on to. I know you feel helpless but just know you are doing the best thing for your Mom - being there for her. Do reach out for help. 

Diane 

SallyBee12

Hi Sid,  

I just lost my SIL on Friday, she had pretty much the same thing as your mum.  Definitely call Hospice.  They will guide you and are amazing people to confide in.  They will help you manage your mums pain as well.  We would have been absolutely lost without Hospice.

You and your family will need all the support you can get.  We kept my SIL at home with her children and myself and my daughter and her husband.  We stayed with her 24 hours a day.  She was not religious, but spiritual.  So we had very soft meditation music playing in the back ground.  No harsh lighting, we used candles.  And we spoke and laughed and cried a lot.  We spoke about tough stuff and funny stuff.  And we all got to say our goodbyes.

She left us at 1.20am Friday.  I think it just gets to a point where you need to acknowledge that there will be a loss and try to make the transition as easy and gentle as possible.

Be brave Sid, and come here to talk anytime you need to.  Sending you and your family lots of love and light ..... and strength!

Agent99

Hi Sid,

I am going to tell you my experience which I have never shared with anyone, it isn't "discussed" by many about hospice. I get the feeling it isn't politically correct. But I think it should be talked about. So you are prepared. I wasn't.  And I really hope my thoughts do not offend anyone.

A year ago my Father in law passed away from advanced prostate cancer and it wasn't easy, we had hospice care and I have to tell you I have some mixed feelings about the experience.  I was the family member who it fell on to take care of him, no one else was able to deal with him as he was a difficult personality even in his good years.  Hospice done properly will give you all kinds of support at home and will keep your love one pain free, all of that is true

My unsettled feelings about the experience come from how he passed at the end.  He was at home, began to struggle with his breathing and I called the hospice nurse.  it was his wishes that there be no trips to the hospital when the time came and the family agreed.  he had no prospects of any improvement or cure, he was 95.  She came, had me go to the pharmacy get morphine, I had to try 3 separate pharmacies in my small town to find the morphine. she put a magnet on his pacemaker to disable it (so when his heart stopped it would not kick in and try to start his heart) and administered a large dose of morphine, he passed holding my hand. It was just a matter of fact, this is the job we are doing kind of experience that left me feeling a little odd. 

He needed help, that is true and the morphine eased his suffering, it calmed his breathing and there was no more struggle.  But I was left with the feeling that the morphine sped up his passing, it made it easy yes, but something about it made me feel as if we assisted his death in some way I wasn't prepared for.  It was like taking the Christmas decorations down and putting them away, it was a task that had to be done, just very matter of fact.

I don't want you to take away from my experience that hospice is  bad, I would  use hospice again.  I just wasn't prepared for the feelings that it left me with. 

You will carry this experience with you the rest of your life, the good and the bad.   you  have the gift of still being able to communicate with your mom and get to tell her how much she means to you.  But be prepared when her suffering is over, it can leave you with feelings you may not expect.

You are a loving son, and nothing about what you are going through is easy.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  And it never hurts to ask God to ease your mom out of her suffering.  Prayers do get answered.