Friend makes insensitive comments

ashell

Well maybe not insensitive but they rub me the wrong way.  I feel like she doesn't understand at all what I went through and what I'm still going through after my mastectomy and reconstruction.

I'll preface this by saying that I am pretty young (early 20's) because it might be relevant.  I had a unilateral mastectomy and implant reconstruction, and in order for my breasts to match better I had a small implant put in my non-mx breast as well, which put me about a cup size bigger.

She has said a couple of times that she is jealous of my breasts, and recently she added that she would give anything for my breasts.  I'm trying to understand, because before this whole ordeal I really wanted to have the breast size that I do now.  However, I never considered surgery and NEVER would wish my whole experience on anyone.  I told her I would give anything to have my real breasts back.  I feel like she just doesn't get it.  I am coping pretty well, it's been over a year since my last surgery, but I still struggle every day with how I look.  I am lucky to have a very supportive partner (after having a not-so-supportive one while I was going through my treatment), but I still feel self-conscious and I miss my old chest.

I know she doesn't mean to be rude (I hope), and that she is trying to compliment me (maybe), but the fact that she would seriously be jealous of my breasts shows me that she really does not understand.  I know it's impossible for anyone to truly understand.. but still.  Maybe I am being too sensitive, but I'm just wondering if anyone else has encountered anything like this or understands the feelings on my end.

It feels good to vent about it at least

Solen

yes, I understand, as do many other ladies here. After a bilateral mastectomy everyone tells me how nice it is that I have a new " set". R E A LLY!!!!????

Now I did not moan and complain after my surgery, it went quite well and was just a bump in the road for me.  But I want to scream. ". I had/have CANCER!!! " So I am not dancing the happy dance about my new rack!  

I think people say things like that because they are uncomfortable with cancer and want to minimalize it. You MUST be ok.   The reality is scary to them ( and it wasn't for us?)... Insert sarcasm font here.   So I know how it feels and many of us do.  In your friend's defense, it is hard to understand until you have been there, in her mind she probably thinks she is being supportive.  I tend to give my friends a " pass" when they say such things especially if they have been truly supportive in other ways ( bringing dinner for the family, watching my son etc.... Those things count for a lot). You can always say something, when my friends comment about my new boobs, I just say, oh, yea with the big scar across them, whoohoo lucky me! In a joking manner, but I think they get the point.

Monis

I actually had a coworker tell me I was lucky that I was able to get a "boob job" and she wished something bad would show up on her mammograms so she could have one too.   The things that come out of people's mouths...

Ariom

I am constantly amazed by the nonsense that some people have the gall to say to women, who have been through, or going through treatment ans surgery for BC.

Whether it is because they don't know how to react, don't know what to say, or simply because they have no tact filter, it really just isn't good enough. Calling any kind of recon a "Boob Job" or saying they would love to have the something happen that would give them the option for a new "set" is just downright weird, in my opinion. Haven't they ever heard the saying "Be careful what you wish for?"

I haven't heard any of this type of stupidness, myself,  but I did have someone ask how could I bear to look at myself, because I didn't reconstruct! Equally as stupid!

For all those who think having BC would be worth it, to get a new and perky set, I would tell them I'd gladly trade the Dx, fear, pain and life changes along with the "new set", anytime they're ready to accept them......ridiculous!

sarahjane7374

I had PBMX, so I've had to listen to several Angelina Jolie comments, talk about my new perky boobs, and that kind of thing.  It bothered me a little at first, but not anymore.  Nobody can understand what someone else has been through, it's that simple.  People say stupid things because they don't know what to say.  I don't have the energy or the vocabulary to try and make someone 'get it', so I don't even bother.  I just smile and move on...

exbrnxgrl

I don't think people mean to hurt or upset us. They don't understand' period.  I have a very busty co-worker whose has told me numerous times that she wished she had bc so she could, in effect, have a breast reduction for free! I simply keep repeating, "No, you don't" I hope she never has to understand the reality of bc.

Janett2014

When people tell me how great it must be to have "new, perky boobs," I sometimes say that well, it was a hard way to get them, what with the scars, being numb with practically no sensation, and having to take a daily pill (with a long list of side effects which I may or may not get, in varying degrees) for 5 years because my oncologist and I are worried about a cancer recurrence. I say it calmly in a very matter-of-fact way, and I'd like to think that I'm educating them just a little. I have had a few women look surprised and say that they didn't realize all that. 

It's pretty appalling that anyone would equate an elective boob job (whether it is a reduction, augmentation, and/or lift) with a mastectomy and reconstruction done because of cancer!

And Ariom, my mouth is still hanging open at the callous stupidity of someone asking how you could bear to look at yourself! What a clueless idiot.

I agree with you though sarahjane73, that people just don't know what to say, and sometimes I too just smile and move on...

DiveCat

I think a lot of people just do not understand. Others are just idiots . I remember my hairs getting raised when people on news articles about Angelina Jolie left stupid comments about her getting a PBMX so she could could a "boob job". Really, this is AJ, I am quite sure she already had breast augmentation and if she had wanted one, she would have got another one. This is a woman who had no issue wearing  a vial of blood around her neck and deeply kissing her own brother. She would not give a flying F about what people thought if she got (another) augmentation! A mastectomy/recon is not an augmentation!

But, as I was in midst of planning my own PBMX at that time, it was hard to read at times. And so off from my reality! I had no desire to cosmetically alter my breasts. They were not perfect, but they were still mine and I am rather surgery-averse for myself. I had no desire to increase size (I am about the same size I was before actually). I just wanted to reduce my risk and attempt recon.

It does not happen very often that someone says something (and people close to me have not said anything like that!), but if it seems like they are open to learning, I will talk to someone if I hear them make a comment about AJ, or other women having MX/reconstruction for either prophylactic or treatment. I am actually very happy with my reconstruction, and had a great recovery etc, but they definitely are not anything like my natural breasts, or augmented breasts and I am more than willing to let people know that, along with all the risks of this surgery. I am sometimes tempted to show them all the pics of ether process....I have not, but I think it would snap some to reality. If someone says something like "I wish I could get an MX so I could get a boob job/reduction" I tell them it is far easier and better outcome wise to save their pennies and get an actual augmentation or reduction! It's not like the reason of high risk or cancer means you will be free from commentary, so work to make your wishes happen...without wishing for cancer or the threat of cancer to give you the reason! 

I just don't think a lot of people think before they talk. Have you told your friend very frankly that it when she says that, you feel like what you went through is somewhat invalidated/dismissed, and does she know how YOU feel about your surgery/recon? Not just that you would rather have your breasts back, but that you miss the loss of sensation, have a hard time accepting them, etc?

glennie19

I had someone (a man) tell me:  You are NOT having reconstruction?  I guess you are never planning on having sex again."

And yes, I'm single,,,,  just makes you want to dive right back into the dating world, right?

Moonflwr912

People say stupid things. I had a BMX around the time that Rancic had hers. Of course she was back in front of the cameras 2 weeks later. I was still doped up and barely moving. Yes some friends (?!?) said something.... LOL.  Then I did reconstruction and had it fail 2x. When I went for my 3rd try, my own sister said "why are you risking your life for a bit of vanity?"    I might have decided not to go through with a 3rd try, but I needed a knee replacement and my ortho wouldn't even think about it until I proved I could hold an implant. Because removing a knee implant is pretty drastic. So i kept trying. And I did Finally succeed. Besides having the TKR, I am happy with the foobs, I look good in clothes, . But, am I happy with no sensation when that was a big part of my life? Nope. When people say the "perky breast" thingie, I always say yep perky - if you don't mind  7 ops in 3 years, no feelings in them, 2 hospitalizations,  6 weeks of IV antibiotics each time, and getting out of a chair when you can't use your arms and your legs don't work. By this time they kinda shut up......

Much love, and LOTS of understandingg

ashell

Wow, it's crazy what some people will say!  I know they mean no harm, but sometimes it's like, come on!  I know it's impossible for anyone to truly understand, but I guess these comments of hers have just startled me a bit because she is one of my best friends and she's one of those people who I thought understood as much as anyone can understand without actually going through it.  

"Have you told your friend very frankly that it when she says that, you feel like what you went through is somewhat invalidated/dismissed, and does she know how YOU feel about your surgery/recon? Not just that you would rather have your breasts back, but that you miss the loss of sensation, have a hard time accepting them, etc?"

I have indirectly tried to convey this message by saying that I would love my old smaller boobs back and assuring her that she really doesn't want my breasts, but if it comes up again I think I will say that to her directly.  If it were anyone else I would just brush it off and smile, but like I said, she is one of my best friends.  I think that is why it is so hard to hear from her especially.

Ariom

This is an interesting conversation! and you just never know which direction the comments are coming from!

I know not all of you were here at the time, but when Angelina had her PBMX I was gobsmacked at the negative judgements that she received, from some people on this site, I kid you not! It was atrocious and an eye opener.

Missing, the woman who asked me how I'd bear to look at myself, had the same Dx as me a couple of years earlier, but had reconstructed. As I said, you just never know where the stupidity is coming from, you'd think she'd know better.

Fortunately, I am thick skinned when it comes to those kinds of comments, but someone who was having difficulties with the change in her body could have been terribly hurt, not only by the comment, but also where it was coming from. 

ashell

that's horrible that someone who has actually been through bc herself would actually think it was okay to say something like that. Some people..

I remember reading a bunch of judgemental comments about Angelina when she had her pbmx,  and I was shocked! It surprises me that there would be a stigma about prophylactic measures from people who have seen how how difficult breast cancer is first hand. Crazy. 

bobogirl

Hey M!  I see you are trolling around, causing trouble, as usual...    And G is here too!

M, popped on here to see if anyone had finally 'cracked' this and had thought of the perfect comment.  Perhaps we should consider bringing back the 'large wet sock filled with horse manure' concept and let that do the talking.

Or a small glove filled with ball bearings?  No verbal rejoinders have worked for me thus far.

Ariom

Hi Bobo! Yep, I like to get around and see what's going on. This is a tough one, though!

I am sorry, there is no cure for stupid! Perhaps the short sharp slap of an expletive?

So true ashell, but as old as I get, I will never stop being amazed by the things people think are acceptable to say.  

bobogirl

You could put a 'buddy' at the end of it.  'F0ck you, buddy.'

Ariom

That's a good idea Bobo, a little more personal, than the straight expletive! LOL

tangandchris

I'm confused....is someone trolling?

So, I've had some weird comments too. I recently was talking about my recon issues and that my PS told me he considered me a high risk patient for recon. I shared with some friends that this was really hard to hear and how upset I was...a friend chimed in and said "oh you can live w/o them, I'd love to get rid of these big things." As soon as she said it, she realized how bad it was, I don't know if my face fell or if she just realized on her own.

I know she was trying to be helpful or ease my pain, but it was still a dumb thing to say.

Do you think you could talk to her or just even "jokingly" say that you'd rather have your original breasts back!

Ariom

No tangandchris, don't be concerned, it was just my friend Bobo having a friendly jibe at me for being on another thread, not real trolling. All in jest!

LLizz

My husband's boss's wife came around the other day (2 days after my Dx) and said, "Omg, you are going to be soooo skinny now, how nice."

Ariom

Oh my goodness, LLiz, what a fool! A truly clueless fool, it is impossible to understand where that comes from!

I hope you don't have to see much of her, who knows what other gems she's capable of.

bobogirl

Laughing because I inadvertently threw M under the bus for 'trolling,' when I don't even really know what 'trolling' is!  Sorry M.  Will bail you out of troll jail!

LLizz

Yes, I agree. Sadly, her husband is incredibly kind and my husband thinks the world of him.  Maybe the guys should just hang out with each other.... alone.

NatsFan

I had large droopy "girls" and I reconstructed small and perky.  I'm very pleased with my results, but as we all know, we'd much rather have not had this choice forced upon us.  I got a couple of those "lucky you to get a free boob job" comments, and I just said, "Yes, the new girls are nice, but I'd take my old droopy girls back in a heartbeat if it meant that I never had to go through cancer."   It's 100% true, it's not snarky, but I think it got the point across effectively.    

tangandchris

Some people just don't get it! One thing that I hope comes out of this for me is a sense of compassion and empathy for others in pain. It's truly hard to relate unless you've been there and I hope I've never said something in a careless or stupid manner to someone who has gone thru a hard time.

Also, sometimes people just need a smack down! lol

ncollett

I didn't have to have a mastectomy yet but have had a lumpectomy and people dont understand that the things they say do hurt. I have been told well you just have stage 1 and only have to have a lumpectomy so your fine and you dont have to have chemo so your ok. They dont understand anything I am going through and that I really dont know yet if I have to have chemo nor do we know yet if the radiation I have to go through is going to work or that I have clean margins yet. I sometimes think at least with my family its how they are trying to deal with all of this. But it would help me if they would just let me put my feelings out there. 

bobogirl

Ncollett: that sucks.  I am tired of thinking about how other people must be feeling and making excuses for why they are behaving badly.  I feel like if my head fell off and rolled over to them, what would they say then?  'Well, it's just your head.  Good thing it's not your feet.  You can still walk.  And hey.  You can't drive without feet!'

teachermom4

Hello Ladies,

My bff of 30 years insisted that the radiologists reading my mammograms for the past 3-4 years "clearly missed the cancer" and "What kind of treatment do you get in the States where this wasn't caught?" I had a grade 1 that grew to 2.5cm and my BS said it had probably been there for 3-4 years but wasn't picked up due to my dense breasts. When I tried to educate my friend that mammo's miss things, she refused to believe it. Her response was "Well then what are we supposed to do??" And that is correct! What are we supposed to do when we go for our annual tests and yet here we all are? I get it. It is scary and so sometimes our friends really do behave badly. And it really hurts 

ncollett

Bobogirl you are so right and thank you for making me laugh. I needed that today. I was told I have to have more surgery today one margin still not clean and then was told by my sister its not a big deal you need to focus on the positive. I told her I am not being negative just realistic.

bobogirl

Crap on a chapstick!  Your sister needs to get a clue.  Many times I know my people are just trying to pass on to the the next subject -- I am not saying your sister is doing that, but I know my family does it.  It is a big deal not to have clean margins.  And you know what?  The proper response to that news is something like, How can I help?

Ariom

I agree Bobo! why is it that people seem to always open their mouth, to change feet? A simple, "Anything you need, or anything I can do? Please just ask me!" It isn't bloody rocket science, but simple caring seems to have disappeared from the vocabulary of so many people.

I went to lunch with a friend yesterday, who is half way through chemo for triple neg BC. We roared laughing at some of the downright obnoxious things that have been said to her. She is a feisty lady who doesn't let any of it affect her, but not everyone has that temperament.