Cancer made my bad relationship worse-- gotta hold on

JudeMama

Please help me find the strength to stick this out for 3 more years. As soon as my daughter is off to college I know I will be divorcing. The only question is who will file first?

My husband has always been quick to anger, a grudge-holder, controlling and mean. I don't know why I stayed with him as long as I did before we had kids.

Now the kids are 18 and 15, and he talks as though we are going to grow old together. Can he really think that? Our marriage has been over for a long time.

I am working a low-paying job and have mounds of debt and medical bills, and I can't get away yet. But I am starting back to school in September, on my way to starting a career that will be more lucrative. My daughter will be a sophomore in high school this year, and I hope to be in a position by the time she goes off to college to leave him and just live by myself.

I hate to be looking forward to a time years down the road -- it seems as though the present goes by even faster if you look to the future too much.

SIGH.

macb04

Hi I understand what you are saying. My marriage wasn't great but we were sort of ok, but then bc happened 2 years ago and my life has been a train wreck since. I have two daughters 11 and 9. My husband and I fight a lot as he is often irritated rather than patient when I get  upset. He has said that if I were normal I wouldn't get upset about having been  "treated", I hate what I look like. I am angry with the doctors who did so many substandard things, I had some really poor care, but husband always makes excuses for the doctors. I wish he could be loving and supportive. He is sometimes, but more often he is irritated or downright mean. He says that he can say anything he likes because it is true.

We are not talking again. I am getting less and less willing to put up with his crap. He is in bad health and our only breadwinner as I lost a half time job when I was diagnosed. I appreciate his efforts to support our family when he doesn't feel well. I really do. He just is completely unappreciative about my own efforts.  I cooked, I cleaned during the worst parts of "treatment", yet he never gave me any credit and would unfavorably compare me to other cancer ppatients he had heard of and say they were great, why couldn't I be like them.

If I were rich I would have already have divorced.  I unfortunately don't see how we can afford to do that now. But I think of it. For now will just have to put up with each other.

wenweb

JudeMama and macb04, I really know where you are both coming from.  I was in a marriage that made me unhappy for 40 years.  I don't think my spouse was.  When I got my BC Dx, I some how decided that I couldn't stay in a situation that was making me unhappy any longer.  It was a slow process, but I recently became divorced.  I'm sad to say (and yet very happy) that it was a choice I made with no regrets.  

I am not recommending that either of you choose this path, but want to let you know that I don't  think instincts or gut feelings are wrong, we have them for a reason.  Being married to someone who is unappreciative and down right mean is not pleasant.  If anything, cancer is a wake up call to listen to our instincts!!

My best to you both.

macb04

Thank you Wenweb . I am not sure how I will handle this yet.  It would be really hard to break up our marraige/family. I have at least 4 more reconstruction surgeries.  They will take at least another year. He and I are not talking last couple days. He is going out i don't know where yest and today.  He took his checkbook with him, something he never does. I don't trust him. He has said that if we got divorced he would waste all our money on lawyers,  that he would cut me off his insurance,  that he would get me proven unfit to parent our girls because he will get the cancer doctors to say I am crazy because i got upset a few times and cried.  My God, I have chills just writing that. 

I know because of HIPPA he can't have any info about my tx or what the docs think of me.  I don't know why he has to be vindictive.  I amjust worried.

wenweb

macb04, he is doing what he's doing to scare you into submission, and take away all of your power.  He's frightened too!  I do not believe he would be able to cut you off of his insurance.  There are laws, and although you might be responsible to pay your portion of the insurance, you should still be legally entitled to it.  He sounds kinda crazy   Best wishes with your marriage and your upcoming surgeries.

macb04

Thanks Wenweb for your support  We are talking again, my husband and I  We made up after the last fight, with makeup sex. I used to be the one always offering the olive branch, even when he was at fault. I just couldn't stand the tension. This time though I didn't offer an" lets make up speech " at all. Right in the middle of "things" he brought up he thought the argument was my fault. I just laughed. He didn't know what to make of that.  I feel that I am less bothered if we don't talk, or if he is irritated.  I have had enough of that.

wenweb

Glad to hear things are better for you mach04!

helpneeded

I'm year post bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction. My emotions handled my breast cancer diagnosis/treatment/surgeries much better than what I'm dealing with now. My husband was great support and caregiver the past year, especially after surgery; we've been married for 32 years. What I'm dealing with now is the lack of affection and sexual intimacy from my husband. Before breast cancer, I would say our sex life was average. Since I've had surgery and reconstruction, we have not had any intimate moments. I finally confronted my husband after realizing that he has not cheating but turns to porn/masturbation for sex. He claims that 'it's different now' and he has a 'hang up' about my disfigured breast without nipples. I miss being desired and needed. I'm hurt, sad, tearful, anger. There's no one to talk to, it's too person and private. My husband is repulsed by my body! I'm not sure if I want to live my life with a person knowing that they don't find me sexually attractive......do I??? My self image was recovering, but now I'm feeling pretty low.

Hurting,,,,

Moderators

Helpneeded, Welcome and thanks for connecting to our community. We hear you and can only imagine how hurt you are. Breast Cancer can be associated with many losses, some harder to discuss than others. We are glad that you have reached out here. this thread has had moderate activity of late. If you don't hear from others, consider posing your questions/upset as a new topic. We hope that you will stay here and keep us posted. The Mods

SailingWind

Dear ladies. I divorced my first husband . He spent every penny we had. I went back to school got a masters degree and a good job. Then I said to him I was done.  Remarried to a wonderful man who has invested well for us. We are now retired and are doing well.  If you can't leave now at least plan, get educated for a better job while you wait. 

helpneeded

That's just it, I have a master's degree and a good job with great benefits. He's been a good father and an awesome grandfather. We have a home that I love. I have felt deprived of love and affection for years, but even more after the cancer diagnosis. There at times when he makes me laugh; there are times he can be condescending and hurts my feelings. If you met me, you would likely perceive me as a strong, independent woman. I have 2 adult daughters with awesome families and much of my reluctance to separate myself from this marriage is to avoid hurting them. I know that I have a choice 1) co- habitat with a man that I know likes me, but isn't attracted to me? 2) leave and look for someone to love me even with my post mastectomy body? 3) leave, not looking for love, but just do what makes me happy?

I'm not sure if I can stand the thought of hurting my daughters. They will be devastated. They will need answers if I leave but it won't be fair to tell them why? Too personal. I don't won't them to look at their father in any other way than they do now. We are not financially wealthy, but we are comfortable. I would be nervous about finances, although I would be fine. I worry about the adult friendships that we have had for years that would be severed.

I'm so confused, still hurting, still tearful......All of this is just not fair 

helpneeded

 

wenweb

helpneeded, I vote for #3.  You can't stay in a situation that clearly makes you unhappy for fear of hurting your adult daughters.  They will be able to take care of themselves.  Maybe they know and understand more than you think they do.   At this point, it sounds like you are devastated.  One of the things we need to learn along this journey is that taking care of yourself is not mutually exclusive with being selfish.  If you can't choose to make yourself happy, how will you be able to make anyone else happy?  You can give yourself permission to make choices for yourself, but, it's a process.   

exbrnxgrl

I'm with wenweb. I ended my 23 year marriage before bc, but I understood that I had to look at my life and my happiness first. At the time, one dd was an adult and one was in high school. Yes, there was some hurt, confusion etc. Dividing up a home and lives after 23 years was difficult, painful and very stressful at times. Friends who were true friends still are and those who fell away, well, they weren't really friends, were they (still it was painful)? Seven years later, I am happier then I've ever been, even with bc, and lead a happy fulfilling life. My daughters are just fine and we are closer than ever. I have two lovely sons in law and the sweetest little granddaughter. I love my job and my little townhouse. No special man in my life but I am never lonely. I have built the life that I want. If the right man comes along, great, I would be open to it, but if not, I am still very happy! Best of luck to you and don't worry so much about everytone else.