Waking up with the " pit" in my stomach every morning sucks!!!

Scaredmama35

Hello all! Ugh morning time again and I wake up happy and then remember " oh crap that is right .... Cancer!" As hard as I try that pit in my stomach won't go away and I instantly grab my phone and get on these message boards. I wish I could just get a glimpse into my future to see that everything is going to be ok. I am trying to remain as positive as I can in front of my three kids and husband, I want them to feel " normal" although I feel far from normal! I just wish I already knew that my gene test would come back BRCA 1 and 2 neg and my tumor would be a very low score! Because I can handle a lumpectomy and raduation... Having a hard time swallowing looking at a double mastectomy if if came back positive and I for sure never want chemo. Ugh sorry for venting so much, but I just woke up and that is what happens to me! Just scared of the unknown! Thanks for listening!!! 

simplelife4real

Scared, your feelings are completely normal for where you are right now.  Waiting for test results and not knowing your treatment plan is one of the hardest things to deal with on this whole journey.  The fear can be overwhelming in the beginning, but it does get better.  I'm guessing that it may be a few days (or weeks) before your know your brca results.  In the meantime, one of the things you can do to help you cope is distraction.  In the beginning, it's very hard not to think about BC 24/7.  I'm a year out, at it's still very  hard for me not to think about it all the time, but when I catch myself in that all-consuming cycle of negative, fearful thinking, I try to  busy myself with something to take my mind off of it....if only for a minute or two.  For instance, I'm leaving in a couple minutes to go to an aerobics class.  The music and the exercise will "take me away" from thoughts of BC and I'll  walk out feeling much better than I did when I walk in.  

This waiting period is really hard.  Venting and talking about it with friends will help, crying releases emotions that are so normal at this time.  

Gotta run...

IllinoisNative

What your feeling is normal.  However, I came back BRCA 2 positive and I had a lumpectomy, chemo, and radiation.  You don't have to have a mastectomy just because you have the gene.  The gene tells you how likely you are to get cancer.  You already have it. 

Chemo scared the crap out of me.  However, it was very doable and manageable.  Not nearly as bad as I anticipated.  I worked right through it. Losing my hair was the worst...but I had a great wig that was better than my real hair.

Good luck!

FightLikeAGirl72

I love the advice you ladies are delivering.  There are so many of us in the same boat right now.  That normal is something we can only wish we had back!  Your stories are amazing and inspiring.  One thing I noticed is something called a tumor score.  I am not sure what that means?  I know that I have a Grade 2 tumor - is that the score?

Ridley

Fight -- The grade of the tumor reflects the Nottingham score which looks at the characteristics of the cells in the tumor under microscope.  If you google Nottingham score you will find lots of info.  Grade 2 has a score of 6 or 7.  You will also see references to Oncotype score.  If your cancer is of a certain type (e.g. ER +, HER-, node negative or minimal number of nodes), your med onc will likely send your tumor for this analysis.  It looks at the DNA of the tumor and provides an analysis on the benefit of chemo, assuming that anti-hormonal therapy (e.g. arimidex, tamoxifen) is taken for 5 years.  The lower the score, the lower the benefit of chemo and the lower the risk of distant recurrence within 10 years. 

Scared -- I can so remember the feelings you describe -- it felt like I was holding my breath for months waiting for the next test.  While its "normal" I would also say to think about what will help you get through this -- a support group, meditation, yoga, meds, etc.

FightLikeAGirl72

Thanks Ridley.  I googled.  I am bad girl.  I needed the extra information and you delivered!  Thanks again.

msphil

honey please come here to vent for that is what we are here for,sending hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!msphil(20 yr Survivor(Praise GOD)idc,stage 2, 0/3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen)

Deblc

Dear Scared, I know exactly what you mean. Waking up every morning with the thought "I have cancer" and the grief, fear and anxiety that goes along with it. That was 9 months ago for me.  I just finished radiation last week after having a mastectomy and doing 5 months of chemo.  I know it's overwhelming now but just want to tell you that you will be able to get through this.

Take it one day at a time, one thing at a time.  Trust me, I didn't follow my own advice, I was a basket case, and there are many days I still worry and obsess about the future. But looking back, I see that it was tough at times, but not as bad as I anticipated.... and I got through it. There were days of deep depression, and I got through it. There were side effects from the treatments but I got through it. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT !!!

This board is great for all the support you get here. Come on here and vent because you probably will find that friends/family might not understand or react the way you want them to. We are here for you!!!

linzer

Scared, I actually just blogged about that waking up and having the pit - you can check it out here if you want. Nothing fancy, just my thoughts at the time. It's the post titled "Birthdays in Cancerland":

www.her2whoneu.blogspot.com  

It will get better. I promise! 

lyzzysmom

Dear Scared, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know too well that horrible feeling that grabs you a few seconds after you wake up that won't go away . I saw my doctor and took a low dose lorazepam (ativan), not every day but as needed and it took the edge off that feeling without making me feel odd. Its an individual decision but If you feel you need something during this difficult time do ask your doctor for help. 

Lumpectomy and radiation have been easier than expected - just my experience.

Wishing you the best possible test results!! As Deb said, you will get through it!

ml143333

Dear Scared...I too am waiting for my BRAC and MRI to come back before I can schedule surgery and I have the same feeling every morning when I wake up.  It is actually the worst time of the day for me but once I get up, talk with God and get moving, I can cope better.  All we can do is stay positive right now and use the art of distraction! 

The great thing about at least knowing that we have cancer is that we know what we are fighting so we can start the fight once all tests are in. 

I hope you will have a good night.