SEX!!!

tangandchris

Not sure where to post this, but I thought I'd start here.

Sex has been on my mind lately, but not in the sense that I want it or anything. The problem is that I could care less about it and have no physical response what-so-ever when dh and I do try. I am beginning to really wonder how this will ever change, I realize some of this is mental, but I think it has got to be physical as well. I feel sorry for dh, he has been wonderful thru this mostly, but I know he misses "us".

Can this be turned around? I am 40 and I used to really enjoy sex....even though that seems like eons ago. I have no breasts so that does feel like the elephant in the room. It also doesn't help that we rarely have any alone time, our youngest sleeps with us most of the time. In addition to that I'm just plain exhausted.

I guess I know that under these circumstances sex is on the back burner, but I'm feeling like my marriage might really start to suffer. Anyone have any suggestions on how to create intimacy? actually IDK what I'm asking....maybe I'm just venting. bleh

mrenee68

The truth is most marriages go through a dry spell. If you add on all of the physical and mental issues, children, and a lack of alone time that is going to equal a lack of sex. First off you need to talk to your dh and communicate how you are feeling. Hopefully your marriage is built on more than just sex and that both of you can talk and figure out how to manage this lull. There have been times where sex was the last thing on my mind, so I had to make a huge effort to make myself just do it. Once I got involved it took on a life of it's own. Maybe try wearing a cute lacy camisole, turn down the lights, and light some candles. Maybe try sharing a soapy shower and see if that kick starts something. Have you talked to a Dr.? Sorry if I'm not much help. Take care!

Jenwith4kids

im with you tangandchris and it makes me sad.  However, I dont have the energy to think about it yet or to really even discuss it.  Three more treatments,  I'll get to it when my energy returns.  I do miss it.  Lots. Hopefully we can overcome the physical side effects of bc and it's treatment. 

LtotheK

I don't actively want it anymore, and I attribute chemopause to that change. Perhaps it's also feeling like there are so many critical issues, I'm not as carefree.  Nevertheless, I work at it. I keep up my end of my relationship.  I always feel better participating, even if I have to sort of trick myself into it. My PT and I decided it's a bit like exercise for some of us.  You dread it, but feel great afterwards. Make a date with yourself, and if you want, with your partner, too.  Make it a priority.

LtotheK

Oh, and it should go without saying--anyone in active treatment gets a free pass! Do not push yourself, for goodness sake! Anyone should understand there is nothing as unsexy as treatment!

Jenwith4kids

thanks for adding that ltothek! I needed that.   

tangandchris

Oh yeah, while in chemo-land no way! I'm on to rads now, still not feeling especially sexy per say, but it's still a concern.

I think it could be wrapped up in just hoping for normalcy to come back, and being afraid it won't.

Moderators

Tangandchris, and all,

You may be perfect candidates to ask your questions and for advice from Breastcancer.org's new Sex Matters Blog with Dr. Michael Krychman, where the doctor will answer questions on a monthly basis and offer his expertise.

Also, Dr. Krychman recently recorded a podcast with Breastcancer.org called Sexuality and Breast Cancer: From Diagnosis to Survivorship, where a variety of similar topics are discussed. 

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

badger

Tang, I had a two-year dry spell after surgery & chemo.  Didn't feel like sex at all.  My DH was very patient.  Then I saw my family doc for annual exam incl pelvic whereupon he advised me to use it or lose it.  That's when I decided we'd have weekly date night where DH was sure to get lucky. It was a good decision.  It's helped our relationship, gives us something to look forward to, and something he can count on so he's content.

He'd seen me naked so no breasts wasn't an issue but I do miss my nips during sex.  A glass of wine or a margarita (or two LOL) usually improves the mood. ;-)

sas-schatzi

Badger Rotflol. You told me that you'd be wearing the "Five O'clock Somewhere" hat I gave you on margaretta night. New it was your date night. Not sure I remember it was connected with the "get lucky" night. sassy

tangandchris

There is the song, "Tequila Makes her Clothes come off". LOL

 

sas-schatzi

TAng , there's a plan here. Date night, a drink, a hat with nothing else, and  a song. Works for Badger. . I prefer the sudden be ready for anything mode. lol. Hey I had a a couple decade hiatus. 

badger

LOL Sassy, you have a fun but inaccurate pic in yr mind.

The key factor is "us" time.  No TV, no PC, no cell phone.

We go out for a nice meal and an adult beverage or two, come home and put on some music.  Play a game of chess.  Turn in for the night.  If I'm still not in the mood I do it anyway because it's date night.  In a way, it's like going to the gym, sometimes you don't feel like going but once there you're glad you did. ♥ 

TwoHobbies

I think you will start to feel more interested the farther you get away from the surgeries and treatments. I think it does take a little work.  We've lost some of our erogenous zones, and some of us our hormones.  You may not have any interest until you start, and it may be a little different experience that you'll have to experiment with.  Don't get frustrated and don't give up hope.  The experts recommend just what your sisters here have recommended - Just do it.  Plan a time on the calendar even if you can't do a full blown date night.  But you have to plan it because if you don't, it doesn't happen, and as you note, you have another encumbrance with the little one hogging your bed.  I've been in that boat several years ago so I sympathize and know that you have to be creative.     How about a Saturday or Sunday morning or early afternoon when you're both rested?