The hardest part about cancer

AlienWish

So far, the most difficult part about being diagnosed with Breast Cancer is having no friends at age 42. I'm stuck in the house most of the time and getting out involves trips to the grocery store with my kids.  My 75 year old mother is my best friend.  I'm grateful for that, but when she's gone, I'll have no best friend.   I see people with all kinds of support - words of encouragement, offers of assistance, love, gifts, affection.  I can't help but feel a little left out. I'm not saying I need "stuff", I just wonder what it's like to have someone be kind.  It must feel special.   I guess I have to be more positive and thank God that I won't be dying from this and try very hard to forget about people.   We technically don't NEED people to survive.

Moderators

Hi AlienWish,

We're glad you've found Breastcancer.org, and that you've reached out to this community. If you haven't already, please check out our page Finding Someone Else to Talk to. It offers some tips on finding additional support. Please continue to keep us posted and let us know how you are doing.

(((Hugs)))

The Mods

HomeMom

AlienWish I'm kind of in the same boat. I have acquaintances, and people at work that care, but in the sense of a true girl friend I do not. We have moved so much that it made it almost impossible to forge that close girl friend bond with any one person.When I am home sick from treatment, I am all alone. No one comes to visit except my mom. 

 I've made it a point now, that when this is over, I will get more involved in life so I can meet more people who can become that close girlfriend!

barbe1958

Alien, you are certainly not alone with this issue! I spent Christmas Day all alone a week after my double mast. Even the day nurse begged to not have to come visit. My kids went to their in-laws that year and even my husband wasn't home (he was driving a cab that year for cash). I looked around at the Christmas tree and all and wondered why I had bothered. Now I don't bother. (Last year my husband wasn't working and he asked me what we "did" for Christmas.....sigh. So sad really.)

I, too, have no close friend, but I have connected very strongly with some of the women in this forum. My sibs call them my "virtual friends" but to me they are very real. You will find you may connect with someone on here that you can spill your heart and soul to. There are many, many threads dealing with being alone. Family just doesn't "get" it - the fear and anxiousness during and after treatment. They think it's all over and we know it isn't. I hope you find some thread here that really connects you. If you click on my name it will show you the threads I have posted on lately and you can check them out to see if they are where you want to be. It really helps to talk to others in our position.

edwards750

Alien - that's wonderful that you and your mother are so close; I was close to my Mom too. I lost her 10 years ago. I also have a sister and 3 brothers. Lost 2 brothers. There are sisters and brothers n laws on DH's side and mine but I'm not particularly close to them. My sister lives in another state but we remain relatively close. I'm close to 1 brother. I lost my best friends years ago. Both died suddenly. Do you have siblings?

My point is you do need someone to talk to, lean on and support you. I don't have zillions of friends but I do have several I can count on. I can't imagine going through this w/o them but I know  everyone is different. My sister also has BC - she is very close to the vest which is her choice. My sister in law had BC and has a lot of friends all of whom she shares every aspect of her personal life. That's her choice to be the town crier. My DH is a loner. Wasn't always this way but not an outgoing person. Has a lot of acquaintances but no close friends. I wish he did. 

You are young enough to meet and develop friendships. I met ladies through my church and exercise class. Joined a support group at church. Even my hairdresser and I have gotten close. What about neighbors?  You sound so sad. Maybe there are support groups in your church or the hospital where you had treatment. I even had a patient advocate who called me regularly. I am a big sports fan ESP; Notre Dame is my fav team - always has been so I joined the local ND Club ANC now on the Board. We take annual bus trips for a football game, community service projects, game watches, speaker series, student sendoff parties, etc. We are always doing something. Met some really nice people. Several are friends now. There are all kinds of opportunities out there. What about friends on your job? 

When my children were younger we became friends with his friends parents. Now not so much because we are older and he too has moved on. 

This forum was and is my lifeline. There are ladies on here who have met each other. That is so cool. The dialogue is about our common DX but has moved beyond that to our everyday lives. After all we are here because of BC but it doesn't define us. Hopefully, we will all move beyond and celebrate our 5 year anniversaries. Not a guarantee but certainly an encouraging sign. 

So I hope you reach out to a person or organization, it will make such a difference in your life. 

Diane 

HomeMom

I've thought about how I need to get out there and meet more women. My son asked why I don't join a support group. The little group that is local to me is mainly survivors that are from what I can see, much older then me. Not that that means much, just would like friends at the same stage of life as me. I'm 53, but these women look to be in their 70s

I actually have friends that live in other states, one of which doesn't know what I'm going through since she is almost never on Facebook and I don't share this there anyway. I know it also takes a lot of work to build a friendship, so I'm not very focused on that right now LOL

 When this happened to me, I thought that this will be a way to make friends through all the activities we have in Orlando for breast cancer awareness etc. I just need to get past this treatment stage. I'm either at work or at home sick. 

placid44

Alienwish,

Maybe you can start a lunch group with women from this site who live in your area. We have one in northern Virginia that meets once a month on a Saturday. It's great support and camaraderie.

Monis

All of us that don't have friends should get together and form a new friendship circle!  I'm another one who doesn't have a single "friend".  I have lots of coworkers, but haven't clicked with any of them to become "more" than just coworkers.  I am an extreme introvert, and have always shyed away from social events and going out with people, preferring quiet time on my own, but I have always felt sad about not having a good friend.  My husband is my best friend, but it's just not the same as having a good "girl" friend that you can do girl stuff with!  This forum is where I go to talk and learn about BC and everything that we women go through.  Though, even here, I don't post much and prefer to read more, due to my introverted nature.  My whole family (mom, 3 brothers) all live in another state and no one ever comes to visit us, so I don't even have any interaction with my own family.  So, thanks ladies for being here to talk to!

barbe1958

When I had my "bad" mammo (bled all over the machine) and went back to work, I had one of my male co-workers "sit down and be a girl" for me so I could tell him. Thinking back on it makes me sad. Why did he have to "be a girl"? Why couldn't I just tell him as a friend. I guess I knew I needed a female.

HomeMom

There is something about that girlfriend bond that men can't fill. That friend in another state was someone I had to be proactive to get to be real friends with. You have to take the initiative sometimes by calling to go to lunch etc. I did that several times and we started shopping together. It was tough to move back to Florida and leave a good friend. I've tried calling her and messaging her on Facebook, with no response. Sometimes I see a post from her (she likes a picture mostly). My husband can live with or without other people, but I am a social butterfly at heart. I would find excuses though to not have people over because I know he wasn't real keen on the idea. 

Silly me. When this is over we are going to invite some other couples I know over and get social damnit!

BikerLee

i guess my two cents on this look different....  may i recommend starting something totally new?  like - start running or biking with groups? or bird watching? or quilting?  something that you'd be a beginner at but something you're excited about?  then, you'll meet active people doing something you're interested in....  

i LOVE teaching beginner bike riders... and it's super fun to see our groups welcome new riders.  and it's a super healthful thing to do....  in my neck of the woods, one can find many group rides that are NOT for speedsters... and many that are for speedsters.  there are also groups geared towards introducing group riding to people who've never done it before.  and that's just one example.

another friend of mine started birdwatching - they go hike around with cameras and binoculars and have a grand time together. when he started, he was so excited.... and the group welcomed him and taught him how to spot birds and how to recognize what bird he'd seen.  

and it's not about cancer. it's about living....  sure - sometimes cancer comes up. i even ride with some cancer survivors....  but it's about living and loving the ride - whatever the road brings us - we'll ride through it or around it.... or wait for it....  and it's great fun. and it's uplifting and social and invigorating.  

i don't know where you're located, but perhaps checking something out - something that's always interested you... but maybe you've not ever actually tried out. and go for it!

yoga, bird watching, cribbage, bike riding, running/jogging, walking, cooking.... or heck - check out some volunteer opportunities - those can result in some really fantastic friendships, and you can do some good work at the same time....  

good luck....

AlienWish

Wow, so many responses, but I've read each and every one of them.  It means a lot to me that people have responded.  I'll try to answer individually. 

HomeMom - I am also in Florida and I work from home and care for my children.  I find Florida especially difficult when it comes to friendships, because back when I lived in Wisconsin (28 years ago), I always had 1 or 2 close friends.  I have "access" to other women here, but I feel judged.  Nobody will ask me about myself.  I don't get invited places.  I've tried to initiate things like, "let's get together sometime", but nobody is interested.   I am very VERY VERY different from most women.  I'm not tall, thin, and beautiful.  I'm short and fat.  Clothes don't fit right so my wardrobe consists of shorts and various types of t-shirts.  I have short, spiky hair, although I believe it is very feminine and fashionable. It is not "freaky".  I don't put my hair up in a pony tail, get my nails done, or wear high heels and designer clothes.  In fact, clothing isn't a priority/interest for me, although I do look neat, clean, and wear makeup.   So, I always assume that people don't like me because of these things.  My mother told me to smile a lot, so I do, and I am a giving person like my mother.  (I give away kids' clothing rather than selling it at a garage sale, etc.).  So, I may be described as "too nice".  Some people have made comments about me being "too smart", but seriously, I actually TRY to play dumb to fit in.  I DO NOT think I am better than anyone. In fact, it's the opposite.  I don't think I'm good enough.  So, I hide my humor.  I won't talk about computers or time travel or space.  I hide who I am because other women don't like this stuff.  This has NOT worked.  I feel that the Florida ladies I've come across don't like this stuff and people from northern states seem so much more friendly, open, talkative, and non-judgemental.  (I am not meaning to offend any other Florida women.  These are just the people I've personally met).   I am afraid that if I join groups and activities here, I will be ignored again and I will get depressed.  I'm somewhat of a "nerd" I guess.  A female nerd.... and well, male nerds are more accepted in society than female ones.  

Monis - I'm the same way. I prefer one on one with someone rather than a big group thing, but I have given groups a chance in the past.  

Barbe1958 - That's terrible.  If I knew you and we were closer,  you would have been totally welcome to spend Christmas with us!  Nobody should have to spend a holiday alone.  Big hugs.

BikerLee - I have children, so everything I have to do has to be with them until school starts.  That, and since I'm an introvert, I'm not much of a leader.  I don't KNOW anyone to start a group, and I honestly tried once.  I tried to set up a play date every Wednesday at my neighborhood park and posted it on our neighborhood website, but nobody showed up.  Florida is like that.  If they don't know you, they won't join you.  Even if I had the chance to  meet people, I wouldn't discuss cancer at all.  Believe me, my neighbors don't even know.... not even sure if they care.  (They get together with eachother all the time but have never invited our family to join).  Basically, to start a group, I need friends.  I have none.

I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to boo hoo and feel sorry for myself.  I was just diagnosed July 3rd and at first, I had a great, warrior attitude and now I'm suddenly ANGRY and I see so many insincere people everywhere.  Example, a I am back in touch with  woman from my teenage years who lived next to me for 10 years.  She keeps telling me on a social website that she is praying for me and cares and such, but then she posts pictures of herself going out with other people.  Why can't I be invited.... ever?  Even before the DX.... I messaged her once and said, "We should get together sometime. My children would love to play with your daughters"...then nothing... I don't get it.  Why do people say they care but don't want to have anything to do with me?  I sit and think about all the thousands of things that are probably wrong with me that people don't like.  I'm a very kind, funny person.  I don't get it.  I've prayed about this for many years... I've received no answers. 

Wow, I really vented.  LOL.

Any of you can PM me any time. I really am a great listener and supporter. 

AlienWish

anne56 - sorry to hear that, but I think you have a better attitude than me at the moment.  I am grateful for my family as well, but I've felt so angry the past few days.  Maybe it's ovulation hormones...The tomoxafin (sp?) should fix that right up when I take it. LOL

placid44 - I could find women in my area... I could try, but I'll be very depressed if I am rejected again. 

edwards - I don't believe in organized religion. hehehe.  Good suggestion, though.

Meow13

Having a bad friday! I was handed a layoff notice at the end of last month and yesterday I was in so much pain from the AI I took the day off. Got my head bit off when I came in to work because I let all the people I work with know I was sick except for my boss. SHe was furious that I did let her know. She doesn't even work in the same area as I do. I did apologize to her.

I will be glad not to work for this control freak, she should be glad she doesn't have cancer to deal with.

BikerLee

oh - i wasn't suggesting you start a group but rather find one that already exists!  like, if you like bird watching, look on meetup . com to find a birdwatching group or check out the websites for bird watching store places...  or a running group... or a kids play group... or what-have-you.

for example, one of our local bike shops hosts a women's beginner ride every wednesday evening. you just show up - you and your bike - and then you go for a ride with a bunch of people who also like to ride bikes.  the groups just there already - and you get to just show up.

that's what i was thinking...

as for the kidlets - i totally hear you!  our child getting to the point where he's actually somewhat independent has been .... WONDERFUL!  now - we can both be out for a bit... with no worries.  so, we both actually head out for our group workouts on saturday mornings - i'm off to ride with my big group and my sweetie off to run with the running group...  neither group, as it turns out, was formed by us!  but oh man - what a wonderful feeling - knowing the child can handle himself in the morning... and we do stuff together later in the day etc....

i'm so sorry you feel so isolated. that's just a sucktacular feeling...  no matter how introverted a person is, that feeling of isolation is not fun.

personally - i think you sound kind of cool!  i can't deal with nail polish and high heels - totally not my style. as i type this, i'm wearing a pair of business casual pants with a short sleeve button down shirt... no make-up ever. no nail polish ever. and dansko clogs - my favorite footwear, aside from actual cycling shoes!

i also have super short hair - currently - about 3 cm long....

wish you could come back to the upper midwest - it's a pretty great place to live, that is for sure.  

barbe1958

Alien, I have a genius IQ and don't fit into most groups either. But.... I like myself and don't apologize or try to change myself to fit in. I think you have to learn to accept yourself before others will. Some people are just better off alone. I am. I enjoy my own company and do many crafty things and read (no TV really). NEVER, ever try to change to be something else to fit in. You will never benefit from that relationship and neither will your new friend. You may be reacting to your new diagnosis and it is making you feel vulnerable. I didn't realize you were so new to the journey. A support group at your local cancer centre or hospital would be a great place to start. You may need to deal with your anger at your disease before you can move on to friendships. It's normal and healthy to be angry, by the way. But it does have to be dealt with. You are seeing it as being alone and "wounded" and need to work on that. Good luck, sweetie.

softness1

Wow sorry about the layoff Meow13. Geez that really sucks but maybe it's better to get away from that added stress.

I don't have any close friends either and my family is scattered throughout the country. My youngest son left for college last month. He plays football so he had to leave earlier for summer training. I'm completely alone. I adopted a cat last week and she's so cute. Still a little scared but is coming out of her shell. 

I will say that although I don't have close friends, I was shocked at how supported people were during my time of need. My youngest was in the 11th grade and didn't drive when I had my bilateral. My ex bf left and I was scared. But luckily for me my oldest came home on break and helped out a lot. My aunt came by a lot and my brother came up with his family to celebrate Christmas. 

But after everyone left & I didn't know how I'd manage. I couldn't yet drive and needed things. My youngest son's friends helped out. One kid would come by with things his grandmother thought I should have, from pillows, to fruit. I knew the kid but never met his grandmother prior... Another of his friends  who drove would stop by and ask if I needed things from the store. I mean these were 16-18 year old kids..It blew me away. 

That was over a year and a half ago & I'm still alone. Single, empty nester etc I have all kinds of aches and pains from nerve damage from the chemo but I'm managing... It gets better. I have become comfortable alone. I do things I like doing. I don't have to compromise on places to go. Usually when I do go somewhere I'll start talking to people and enjoy myself. Like tomorrow, I think I'm going to the Met museum. Why not

softness1

barbe1958,

Get out of my head...lol.. I am the same way.. 

Meow13

Softness1,

How funny my situation is kind of similar I have one son in his 3rd year of college and one going to start this fall. They are only a 30-40 minute drive away going to the same college. I got 2 kittens in March I wanted short hair but got talked into these 2 persians (my icon). They are a great comfort. My husband was disappointed in my layoff after 30 years with this company. I guess they can replace workers with cheaper younger ones. It does a job on your head feeling like your broken down in more ways than one. I will be ok, I was just soooo mad this morning at my boss.

I really don't do that much with my husband he has his friends and hobbies (different than mine) we are planning a vacation to visit family members, it should be good for both of us.

Life changes and it is a little scary, I too hope to make new "retired" friends.

proudtospin

Meow, I left my job last fall after 25 yrs with the same firm, I had been told they were going bankrupt and they were trying to do a reorg.  Since my sales were in the toilet, I asked to be left go so I could collect unemployment and go on Cobra.  It worked out at least for me.  I turned 65 a month ago.

Hoping that your firing works out for you.  I took some time to deal with long delayed health stuff, sinus issues and such.  Stay strong and do take care of your health, it is the most important thing. 

AlienWish

Barbe, "You are seeing it as being alone and "wounded".  Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. Not becoming of me and not good. I started out with a warrior attitude and suddenly I snapped and all these emotions came bursting out of me like a volcano, and every problem I've ever had (friends, family, etc) just surfaced out of the blue and I've spent much of today crying.  I don't even know why.  I wasn't given a death sentence and I know I'll survive.  I don't know why all these emotions erupted.  I guess I feel sorry for myself because I don't have a friend to cheer me on and give me a hug... but sympathy isn't what I'm after even though it sounds like it.  I don't know.  I've never had this before.  Didn't know I'd become so emotional about it.  

AlienWish

Meow13, sounds like a door closed for you for a reason.  New doors will open.

AlienWish

Biker - I love having short hair. It actually gives me more confidence.  

AlienWish

BTW, I am not judging people that love getting their nails done and dressing up.  It's just not my thing.  Didn't mean for that to sound bad.

barbe1958

Alien, I didn't read your post as asking for pity, so don't worry about that. You are reacting normally. You need to see that. This "journey" is often called a roller-coaster ride. Many of us get chemical help to keep an even keel during treatment, surgery and afterwards. You have just faced death. The adrenaline you had at the beginning has run out and now you are in "flight" mode. That too, is normal. If you can't get around it (notice I didn't say over it) then you might need medical help. You might be surprised to wake up tomorrow morning feeling more like yourself!

And yes, we ARE allowed to feel sorry for ourselves!!!!!

HomeMom

So I was at work all day and it was a busy busy day. Lots of great responses here for Alien. Florida has a lot of people who are not permanent residents. They move here thinking it will be perfect, then find out it isn't any different then anywhere else. I find that it doesn't have that small town feel which connects people more. One of my old neighbors here was coming to our neighborhood to walk every day before I was Dx. We would walk with a couple other women in the neighborhood.  At first she would text me to see how I was. I have not heard from her in two months at least.

The friend I have out of state was someone I met through my son's baseball team. We said the usual "We should get together sometime". I didn't wait for her to call me, I called her, several times. And then after we had lunch and did some shopping, I initiated the next call. It was work. Maybe some people don't' see it as work, but it really is a small JOB to establish a friendship because people are busy. Especially when you have kids at home. 

When my kids were real small we had a "mommy's morning out" at my church. We would take turns watching the kids at the church while the other moms went out for a couple hours or just did something by themselves. We all became "friends" and would have play dates after the mommy's morning out. Take lunches, got to the park etc. I thought these women were becoming my friends, but when 3 of us became pregnant with our third child (me included) something happened that really hurt my feelings. The first two were due before me and we had baby showers. No one threw me a baby shower. I still can't understand to this day why. They post on Facebook get together's and how they have been friends for over 20 years. Of course I moved away and maybe that's when the real fun started? UGH.

I agree that you have to get out there and join groups with the same interests. This BC thing has made me more aware of what I need to do to be happy, and one is to be more social.

Basia

my computer freaked out while posting so I apologize if this comes up as a second reply from me and I am repeating myself. 

I wouldn't shy away from support groups because of an age difference. My support group was filled with the most remarkable women. They varied in age to 3 years younger than me to 30 years older than me, and age did not stop us from becoming friends. We have nothing in common other than BC, but that hasn't stopped us from becoming very close. We are there for eachother for everything now. I don't think I would have handled my recurrence so well if not for them. So please go to some meetings you never know who you will meet and how they can impact your life. BTW, I am not a super friendly person that makes friends,easily. Outside of my support group I I have a handful of friends that I consider real friends. Making friends is hard work. 

HomeMom

Basia you make a great point. I will give a support group a shot regardless. My son sees me posting on my computer here and asks why I don't join a support group. I  think I've had a healthy dose of denial too.!

Spookiesmom

I'm also in central Fl, and pretty much friend-less. There were "friends" at work, who I thought really were friends. They dumped me. 

Im an only child, got accustomed to doing things by myself early in life. I like it this way. I'm not into girly things,but would like a non working buddie to hang with now and then. I did meet a friend from BCO who lives about 5 min from me, we do coffee a few times a month. She still works. 

My DH hates it here. Refuses to even try to make friends, been here 30 years. People here can be strange, I don't try so hard any more. I take the dogs to dog park, have acquaintances there. It's enough, I enjoy that. 

There is a group of women who meet for lunch in Tampa if you feel like driving.  I've gone, met a few. All very nice, but prefer the one on one. 

Lee7

I go to the Tampa group lunches when I can, Spookiesmom, but haven't met you yet!  It took a ton of courage for me to go the first time but I am glad I  did.  I really didn't have anyone to talk to about bc and help me cope in the beginning.   Just to get out and talk to other women who could understand really helped.  I agree with so much of what everyone is saying here.   

Spookiesmom

Lee7, who is the diva in your avatar? Yes, I saw you went to the last lunch in Tampa. I lurk that thread. As I said, nice ladies, but seem to do better one on one.