My radiation is ending on Friday and I am an emotional mess why?

shellbell1963

I have three more radiation treatments to go thus Friday will be my last day instead of I thought I should be happy with joy I want to cry my eyes out and I feel so stressed. I can't say I am sad its ending I really can't say what is wrong with me but I know my depression and anxiety are heightened. Why? I have blew my eating plan of wanting junk food. Feel so much muscle tension. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I am crying writing this I am an emotional mess.

Jujube43

It's actually a normal experience. For a long time you've probably been on a whirlwind of appointments, treatments, and tests. Everything is designed to get rid of the cancer. You feel like you are doing something about it, actively treating it. When rads are done, you feel like you aren't doing anything. After months of so much activity it's an odd feeling. It will pass but may take some time. But know that it is something we all experience...you aren't alone. And people are always here to talk to. 

fizzdon52

I felt like this as well. My Radiotherapy finished 5 weeks ago and it feels kind of like 'now what?'. Supposedly we are cured, but I will always be worried about what the future brings. We are supposed to put it behind us, but how can we? I feel kind of empty. I am hoping this feeling with lessen with time, but who knows? Don't forget you are probably really tired as well, radiotherapy can certainly make you feel very tired and run down? You aren't alone

GrammyR

shellbell- yes, so par for the course right now. I got so sick of people saying "just think positive" and it " could be so much worse. The end of RADS is both physically and emotionally exhausting. Fatigue sets in and stress is at max.

Getting some real rest is a must so if you are still a working gal try to get some time off to just be at home and do very little. My burn was bad around 1-2 weeks after the end. It healed very fast though and I cannot even see where it was now. Eat and drink whatever you feel like.  NO diets. 

Hugs coming to you and please pamper yourself for a while when your through with it all. 

ruthbru

Totally normal, I think it is a sort of post traumatic stress reaction. You are crashed into this experience with no time to prepare mentally or physically, your life is centered around your treatments & then BAM you are sent out the door with 'Bye, good luck, have a nice life" (not really, but that is how it feels at the time). Time is what helps the most of course, but for me jumping back into life (I teach & the new school year started 3 days after I finished radiation.....plus DS was a senior in high school that year, so I had to be focused on the present and future) and also getting lots of exercise helped me a lot. I don't think I let myself even start to process the whole experience until the next summer. Other people like to journal, contemplate etc. but what worked for me is to be busy (and go shopping!).

shellbell1963

Thanks you all ladies for responding to me makes me feel somewhat better. I am so tired and wheepy from all of this. Now my breast cancer surgeon's office called and wants to see me in 2 to 3 months. Like really haven't I had enough. Would like to say just leave me be, I can't take much more. Is it common for the surgeon to followup that quickly? The nurse says they will do a mammogram, but really do I need more radiation?

Thanks for listening just have a rough day.

Sunshineinky

I remembered seeing this topic and I realized today that I think I'm depressed.  I finished rads one week ago today and I'm just very sad.  

I retired at 44 from the state in Nov 13, my child is married and 2 hours away, my husband works from daylight till dark and I sit here alone dwelling on "things".  That's just not good and its got worse since I dont have my daily appointment. 

So like Ruth my "used to be" stress reliever was work and being busy. I can only clean my closets so many times! So, I think I'll apply for a new job. If I don't do something soon, I'll be bat crazy!  

Debster

Hi shellbell, My breast surgeon allready made my appt. to come back to see her in Oct. and told me I will be seeing one of my docs about every 3 months for a while so I guess that is normal. I am having rads now and then to see my MO in August and then my BS in Oct. I will not have a mammogram again untill March of next year. Hang in there we are right there with you. Hugs  Deb

keepthefaith

I also have 3 month appts. I am reading a book called "Picking up the Pieces",  Life after surviving cancer. It has been helpful. I think it takes us all by surprise, when we felt as though we have just fought the hardest battle of our lives and we aren't really done...and then, everyone else thinks we should go back to our "normal" lives, like nothing happened.

Take one day at a time.  Do what works best for you. Each day will be different for a while. I am so thankful for this forum! I am trying to read more, journal, walk, eat healthier and hope to find a volunteer group to join soon. Those things are what I can still control. They will take the place of my treatments and appts! Would love to hear what others are doing~

Good luck to all of you!

ChemicalWorld

Shellbell, I think there are a couple of different ways we deal with things after the active treatment is done.  There are plenty of people who want scans very frequently, lots of dr's appointments and the constant vigilance to feel at ease.  For me, the constant vigilance is a major stressor, and I'm one of the types that has to fight the urge to just say "leave me alone" and stick my head in the sand until I have to get yearly tests done. I think both ways are perfectly normal.  

It is scary to have your security blanket taken away at the end of treatment.  I felt the way you describe when I finished chemo, and it was a few months after the end of my radiation that everything sunk in and I got the "holy crap I just went through cancer treatment" reaction and everything was suddenly very scary.  I had to get my PICC line taken out early due to a blockage before my chemo ended, and had a very strange sense of loss from it.  This all messes with your head. 

I hope tomorrow is better for you!

cookiegal

Shellbell, it is so normal. Mine hit about 2 months after I was done, but it was wicked just the same. I was crying all the time and felt like I was swirling down the drain.

I think on diagnosis I had adrenaline and shock, and then there was a lot of structure to get me through treatment.

I don't think some of us start realizing what just happened for a while.

It's kind of like, it took me a while to truly comprehend the Twin Towers were not there, that part of NYC was missing. They were still in my brain's map of the city for a while.

I hope that is not tasteless, but we really absorb what has happened at our own speed.

If you can find a post-treatment support group I HIGHLY recommend it. They are hard to find, but it is worth it. Specifically people who are done with active treatment.

GrammyR

Kentucky- Time for a new or re- kindling of an old hobby. Your marriage could be suffering right now. I took up sewing ( after a 30 year lapse) Forced to retire from my RN career at 60 d/t health issues.. I am now addicted to sewing and have several machines. Craft Fairs and  Bazaars are so much fun. Take an art class or photography. There is so much to learn AND you make new friends with a common hobby. Have  trip in to JoAnn or Michaels and see what things people are doing. Research it online as I did - now I complain that I don't get enough time to spend on it because the grandkids keep me busy.

Shellbell- its pretty routing going back to see surgeon so try not to stess more imagining scenerios. Support groups on line close up help too.

Rene

Sunshineinky

Grammy I've actually thought about taking up sewing.  I'd like to learn to make my own curtains! Maybe now is a good time to do that unless I rejoin the workforce. 

lyzzysmom

Sunshine, I feel a bit in the same boat. I whine about quitting my job as I work with computers and it has all become too much for me, its a young persons game, so retire I will. I know however that I will go batty if I just stay home. I will take a break as I feel exhausted and emotional but then I want to get on track with my photography course again. I have a whole lot to learn but would really like to do pet photography. The other thing is missing people. The thing I will miss most are the regular chats with my workmates so I would seriously think about doing seasonal part time work at somewhere like the local Petsmart or Petco if they have anything available, or even some volunteer work at an animal shelter but that would likely make me emotional...

 There was a lady who retired from a job similar to mine a number of years back. She was always nicely dressed and went to work part time in a ladies clothing store. She absolutely loved it!

bandwoman1234

Hi Shellbell,

I posted a similar post a few weeks ago and asked Am I Crazy? I found out two weeks before I finished rads that they were subtracting the last treatment. I never did know why. I just know after weeks of coming home and ticking off another treatment you would think I would be overjoyed at one less treatment but I was very sad. The reaction completely threw me. I did think am I crazy! When several from BCO said it was perfectly normal to feel that way it made me understand my thoughts a little better. My physical therapist who deals with breast cancer patients said she sees much more tears at the end of treatment than at the beginning. My RO said that we have been in this medical safety net for weeks and then when we walk out the door we feel alone and vulnerable. Most of us have been in battle mode and when we feel like the battle is over then the reality of what has happened to us comes crashing down around us. My RO said I will have six breast exams in the next year so I will be obviously checked very closely. So the idea that we are on our own is of course not true.  I finished rads on July 3 and was on the verge of tears the whole morning before I left for my last treatment. I was so out of it on July 4th and made myself go through the motions of celebration.  My skin is pretty much healed up now and I have done some fun things with friends to feel like I am getting my life back. I still had quite a few doctor apts when rads finished but I don't feel sad anymore. I think that this board is great place to come and talk because no matter how supportive your friends and family might be they don't really understand what we have gone through or how we feel. We may not understand how we feel and it may take some time to process it all. Each of us has to learn to deal with the fear of the unknown and will the cancer come back. I think everyone has to find their way that is comfortable and right for them. Since this is Friday I am assuming you are finished now. Congratulations. It is an accomplishment and you did it. I hope that after some processing this you will find your way and your new normal. Good luck.

Bandwoman

GrammyR

lyzzsmom- I have to agree that at first I really missed my chats w/coworkers as they gradually dwindled in their phone calls. I did volunteer w/a cat rescue when I lived in Fl for a few years and got to take most of their pics for the newsletters and website. I had been an avid photographer so this was a fun assignment. My biggest problem was catching these kitties after I took them form the cage to shoot. They would escape under the cages, on top of three story cages. What a workout I got too...ha..

Shellbell1963- hope you will be healing really quickly. I recall having to leave the bras in the closet and go w/tank top under my tee-s for a while as it was way too tender. I have no nipple on one side so it can be a little embarrassing when one side shows and not the other.

rettemich

I can understand the feeling. When I finished, I got a little depressed, but I kept having the feeling of, is that it. A pat on the back, see you in a few months. I just kept thinking there should be something more we should do. Not that I knew what.

annieb4

Oh, I know exactly how you feel. It was almost scary, like they were all leaving me to take care of myself. The nurses who did the chemo and the radiation were always so nice and it just felt like I was going away for ever. (which wouldn't that be great!!). I was even getting to the point that I was happy when I had a dr appointment, just so I could actually talk to someone who understood  how I felt.

and I now have pet scans every 4 months and those will gradually decrease in the next few years.

weavingwoman

Oh my goodness, thank you all so much. I finished my sixteen day radiation yesterday and had thought I'd be elated but it was exactly the opposite. Deflated was putting it mildly and I looked here to see if anyone else felt the same way. You've all described it exactly.  It's like, "now what".  This has been the main thing on my mind since my diagnosis in June.  Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was, dcis, stage 0, "the best cancer to get it you gotta get it",  but I still had to go through all that stuff. And now it's over and it sinks in that, oh, I had cancer.  (When do you start saying "had cancer" instead of"have cancer" ? Can I say it now?  

Anyway, I'm really feeling down right now, but reading your stories had made me feel more normal

And on top of that, I wonder if I really needed all that treatment, now that they're starting to talk about renaming DCIS stage 0 "indolent lesions..."  

And now it's time to start tamoxifen, so I can remember every day that yes, I have/had cancer....

Spookiesmom

But it DOES get better. Take life as easy as you can, if you don't want to do, go there, don't! It's still time to be good to you. Sleep late, hit the spa, read that book.

Gradually, and it's different for everyone, your energy will return and you will feel more like your self again.  Took me about a year.

Congratulations, you did it!

GrammyR

Rest up- eat healthy, exercise when up to it  AND take a mini vacation if you can.

mripp

GrammyR and Weaving, thanks for your posts, right on the mark for me! I think alot of us go or are going through "the end of treatment" withdrawals or whatever you call it, and worry about what's next..... And I totally agree with "have cancer" and now "had cancer" and hope it's the latter for ALL of us!!!!!!