I WILL FINISH RADS TOMORROW .WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL?

bandwoman1234

Hi everyone,

A few weeks ago I posted a thread Am I Crazy???? I found out I was to receive one less radiation treatment than I thought and I could see the end in sight. I was shocked at my sad reaction and many assured me that this is normal. Well now the end really is in sight...........like tomorrow! I feel nothing tonight at that thought. I can't trust my emotions either nor can I predict them. Has anyone out there finished rads and would like to weigh in on how you felt initially after finishing and how you feel now looking in the rearview mirror? I will start on Anastrozole soon I think. I will see my MO next week so it is not like this journey is over by a long shot! Thanks.

Bandwoman

Sunshineinky

I will finish on Wednesday Bandwoman. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to feel either.  So I'm curious about these responses!   

ruthbru

Well, of course I was thrilled to be done, but I also felt unsettled. What I think is this; from the time you are diagnosed you are on hyper-drive....you are in shock & everything moves so quickly and intensely & your life pretty much revolves around your medical appointments etc. and then all of the sudden it's BOOM, out the door, "Goodbye, good luck, see you in a couple months." And of course, you'd just as soon never ever step inside a medical facility again....but still, it takes some time to sort things out, reflect, and make some sense of it all.

Also, remember the radiation is working for about two more weeks, so if you are feeling burnt or having other side effects, you will have to give them some time to start getting better.

And, congratulations! It is a huge, huge thing to be done with!!!

slv58

Ruthbru has said it beautifully.  I think as soon as you are given your tx plan, your initial feelings go from fear to "battle" mode. This is a huge relief because the unknowns are answered and you have your team and treatments all planned to rid you of this disease. We deal with SE but understand that it is for our survival. There is always that next apt to discuss concerns and see progress. We go through rads with the understanding that this is the final leg and look forward to not having to get tx everyday. Then all of a sudden we are on our own. The apron strings of support have been cut. Three months seems like an eternity, but it goes quickly. Every day you will reclaim your life and adjust to the new normal. One day you will realize that your not thinking about C as often. I found that I really needed the support of this forum and the wonderful women on here. So congratulations on finishing active tx, go celebrate and enjoy! 

bandwoman1234

I failed to tell you that the radiation machine broke down last week and I missed four treatments. I was supposed to have finished on Friday. That right there should make me jump for joy at the thought of finishing tomorrow. I think I am just so fatigued I feel nothing.

Sunshine- Congrats on almost finishing! Did you have to take a break for skin issues? My skin broke down the day after the boosts started and all the bad areas were outside of the boost so I dodged a big bullet there. I can't believe with the long break how fast my skin is healing.

Ruth- Your input is so good. There are some days that I still can't believe this whole thing happened to me. It didn't take me long to get into battle mode and I guess that adrenaline or whatever it is does propels you forward with not much time to process.

SLV- Cutting the apron strings is a great way to put it. When I had my sad time a few weeks ago I ran this by my physical therapist as I injured my rotator cuff during the breast ultrasound and have had weeks of therapy along with rads to add insult to injury. She is a lymphedema specialist and deals with breast cancer patients all the time. She said I see a lot more tears at the end of treatment than at the beginning. I also ran this by my RO and she said pretty much what you ladies have said. She said when you walk out that door you may feel alone but she said I will actually have six breast exams in the first year with my various doctors. I will see her in a month and not three as maybe some of you have experienced. I will still be going to PT at the same clinic for a few more weeks and then may have to continue after a break from that. My normal routine will not be getting quite back to normal because of the shoulder. The question is what is normal now. I don't think our normal will ever be the same. Do you?

Thank you for your input. It helps to have others weigh in. It helps me to process my feelings and to pinpoint the reasons for my "strange and unexpected emotions."

Bandwoman

Sunshineinky

Bandwoman my skin broke down a few treatments before boost started. I'm suffering through a very nasty underarm burn at the moment but have grown new skin under the breast. Thankfully my boost are nowhere near either of the areas. 

Morwenna

I was not feeling like celebrating my last rad. I felt tired, beaten down. I was relieved I was done, in the sense that it feels good to stop beating your head against a brick wall!

I had been going to my rad treatments on my own, and I was fine with that, but my last one, I asked my son and his wife to take me, and then go out to lunch afterwards. There was a bell to ring on leaving, and I got to tie a pink ribbon on a frame. I did these things, but really just felt tired. I couldn't wait to get out of there. If I hadn't had "company", I probably would have just slunk away.

It really took a while to sink in that I was finished treatment, (last August), and since then I have felt very up and down really. Sometimes euphoric, sometimes fearful and depressed ..... mostly somewhere in between.

ruthbru

It does get better emotionally, but it does take time and distance. Be good to yourself, allow yourself to feel however you feel....there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way, make plans, do interesting things, exercise, move forward. It is impossible to believe this when you're just getting done with treatment; but someday it will feel like a bad, bad dream, and you may even find some unexpectedly positive things have come out of the whole experience....THAT is a shock when it first happens!

BrooksideVT

I expected to feel joyful, but felt nothing at all--made me feel like not such a good team member.  Thank goodness there was no bell to ring--not sure how I'd have handled that.  The techs did give me a certificate.  The RO was lovely.  I came back for a scheduled skin check, then a couple of times to meet with the nurse practitioner.  I certainly felt separation anxiety--it's very dificult to move past those weekly breast checks, as our scar tissue is still forming and every little change is concerning. I did have a couple of appointments with a lymphedema therapist to mobilize my scar tissue when it tried to pin itself down,

bandwoman1234

Sunshine,

I had a terrible place underarm as well. When the rad. machine broke down for four days last week adjacent to the weekend I was amazed at how fast the healing started. You must be finished now and I just finished today. Congrats to both of us!!  I hope we can both get on with our lives now.

Bandwoman

Sunshineinky

Bandwoman I have 3 more boost and I'm done!! 

Congrats on you finishing though! I can't wait to finish on Wednesday so I can heal!! 

bandwoman1234

Hi Morenna,

Thanks for sharing. This morning when I got up knowing this would be my last treatment I was on the verge of tears all morning. I am also a person that doesn't cry very often too. I was so fearful that I would get there and just fall apart. I composed myself and it turned out to be a good last day. The rad. tech that came to get me said congrats on your last treatment. I didn't know if they would know or not. They were so discombobulated earlier this week because the radiation machine broke down four days last week and it has been a scheduling nightmare for them. They are even going to be open on July 4th which I doubt you celebrate in Canada but a huge deal here in the States. Anyway it was obvious when I walked into the treatment room that everyone knew it was my last day. These techs have been so wonderful and at the end they all hugged me and gave me a certificate like diploma. It was nice. I didn't get to see my RO which I probably would have fallen apart but saw one of the other RO's for one last skin check for a while.  A cute little old lady(patient) with her cute little hat on that I just met this week gave me a big hug and said congratulations. I still had to schedule a month follow up so still had to remain composed. I walked out of the clinic doing pretty well. I can't say I am ecstatic but I think I am going to be okay. I hope you will be too. Thanks for your honesty in sharing your real emotions.

Bandwoman

bandwoman1234

Hi Ruth,

My surgeon told me the last I saw him that at this time next year I would forget this ever happened or something like that. Yeah right. He might be more right than I will ever imagine. I have seen blessings come from this early on so I know that good has come of it already.

 

I am done now and I think I will be okay. I want to think of it as a little detour in the big scheme of life and that I will pick up the pieces and move on. I have every reason to be thankful and grateful for my treatments, my cancer team and my prognosis.

Thank you for sharing and I hope you are doing well at this point.

Bandwoman

bandwoman1234

Hi Brookside,

I did better than I expected. If you look at my post to Morenna I go into some detail. A big part of my spring and summer is spending tons of money and time on flowers for my landscape. I have about a tenth of what I usually do but I have some flowers due to some friends telling me you ARE going to have flowers this year when I told them I would not have any. They insisted and told me they would take me to one of my favorite nurseries (which they did) and they would help with watering if my fatigue got too much. I was able to water myself but there were some days that I thought having any flowers was a mistake. Of course now I am thrilled that my friends could see the light at the end of the tunnel better than I could at the time. I can see myself hopefully picking up where my life seemingly left off. I don't feel joy right now but I don't feel sadness like I did this morning. I just feel tired but that will change in a few weeks I'm told. Thank you for sharing. Have a wonderful Holiday!

 

Bandwoman

bandwoman1234

Hi Sunshine,

Sorry I got my Wednesdays mixed up. Can you tell I am tired!  I am going to pretend that some of those fireworks tomorrow are for us finishing! I hope your skin heals quickly. I think you will be amazed at how fast it does. I can't believe that even the overall red has faded so much. I hope things go well for you and your last boosts go without a hitch. Have a great Holiday!

Bandwoman