loss of femininity

lisa84

Hello, 

I find myself feeling like i am slowly losing my ability to be a women. Like what makes me feel beautiful and feminine is slowly being striped away from me. I struggle alot with the and the idea of the looming masectomy becomes very hard to bear. I know that for me it will feel like one more thing beimg taken away and i question my ability to cope. I focus now on finding something i enjoy that does not involve intimacy, sexuality or self image as i know these foundations will be shaken. I worry that i may destroy my relationship developing an inability to see beauty in myself. I have always struggled with self image and worry that this will be too much.

LilacBlue

Your awareness and truth of soon to come  body changes having a negative impact, was a real concern for me too, even though I have had reconstruction.  My numb, left cobbled breast had taken sometime to get used to and therapy helped me get through the early months and first year of adjustments to the physical and mental life changes.  Therapy also gave me solid impartial support where I did not have to edit my vulnerable feelings or thoughts, like I would with my husband or friends.  They constantly offered a solution (to be helpful) when I expressed what was deeply being felt and processed.  For me, it took time and having someone listen to my fears and what I was experiencing that helped me get to the other side.   

Finding other ways of holding our attention is good yet emotional underpinning issues can be dealt with and therapy for me was the best way forward.  I wish you all the best Lisa in this run-up to surgery and hope you find a peaceful and meaningful way to live with and accept the changes occurring.

.

CynthiaM

Lisa, I too know those awful feelings. My biggest anxieties were around waking up from the surgery with fake breasts and still bald. My mastectomy was last December and even though my tissue expanders are finally full, I still have those times when I want to throw myself a "pity party". I'm 31 now and single so losing my femininity was a major issue for me. On top of that the final rounds of chemo seemed to put me in menopause, even before I started the tamoxofin, so I know what you mean by losing your femininity a piece at a time. I wish I had some brilliant insight to tell you but I can only say it does get easier. Before my surgery I was able to talk to someone from our local cancer centre who went through the same procedure and she told me you need to allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your breasts, because really you are losing a piece of yourself. I do catch myself in "down times". Seeing old pictures of myself is always hard. I was a DD before and now I've been forced to down size to what is probably a C. Trying on old shirts that are now too big is hard as well. These times are getting fewer though. My hair growing back and finally having enough to get it styled again was a major positive milestone. I was always a tomboy, but now when I go out I take pleasure in eyeshadow, lipstick, and other makeup as well as big earrings and even dresses! Throughout chemo I acquired quite the collection of cute hats! I must say the smaller breast size does make some things easier to wear. When I catch myself feeling like I'm losing my femininity I remind myself that I'm an example of a strong woman for my 3 nieces and my students (I'm a karate teacher). I was lucky to be in an area with a breast cancer support group that runs support sessions as well as exercise groups. Being with, and talking to these other amazing women helped me through the hard parts of this crappy journey and onwards. Take your time to "mourn". Your self image will come back. You'll get to that point when all you see in the mirror is a strong woman.

StacyBrian

All I can say/add - is YES.  Take the time to mourn.  It's natural.  It would be unnatural NOT to - for me, anyways.  I am four days post-mastectomy.  I'm doing better than I thought I would - so far.  Just doing my best to be present and comfortable in this new, hopefully "cancer free" reality.  This is your loss to grieve - do yourself the justice and the favor of allowing it, if you can :-)