sex after mastectomy

init4life

I had a double mastectomy and tramflap reconstruction over a year ago. I am still struggling with mourning the numb breasts, and where do you begin to have foreplay without breasts???   Frustrated...have been married for almost 30 years, always a great sex life and now my drive is there but I get turned off easily by only having one erogenous area!  I miss my breasts, I loved the foreplay, was proud, sexual and now...nothing, numb.  I'm angry they don't explain you will be completely numb!   Where do I go from here.  

mrenee68

init4life - I get what you are saying even though I still have one natural breast. At first I hated for my husband to touch my reconstructed side, it made me so uncomfortable, to be honest it just felt weird. Make sure you talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you are feeling. This is all part of our "new normal" and yes they should tell us all of these little details about how our lives are going to be so different. As hard as it is try and find new areas on your body that might be a turn on, nothing will be quite the same as your breast, but it's worth a try. Turn the lights down, light some candles, relax and try not to think to much. My biggest problem is I start thinking too much and it kills the moment. Be patient, things will get better it just is going to take time. Take care!

Obxflygirl1

I also did not realize I would be so numb over the entire breast and miss the feelings very much when my husband touches me.  He also was uncomfortable and didn't know how to handle this new normal.  So he had me lay down, close my eyes and tell him when I could feel his touch.  He basically mapped my entire chest area this way.  No guessing and wondering on his part has moved us forward in getting our intimacy back.  It's not an easy road and there will be bumps along the way but it's worth working on together.  It will never be the same as before BC but I wish you better days ahead.

PeggySull

Flygirl, thanks so much for that suggestion of mapping the chest area for touch sensitivity.  My reconstructed breasts (bilateral mastectomy) after scars faded look better than my previous ones in that my old girls had suffered a lot from gravity's pull.

Nonetheless, both my husband and I found my pre-cancer breasts the most erogenous zone of my body, ESPECIALLY during foreplay but during intercourse and orgasming.  I would welcome any suggestions about how to create a GOOD new normal from women whose breast sensitivity was a huge part of their sexuality.

I'm most mourning the foreplay role my breasts served for both my husband and me and have been avoiding sex because we have not found a "good enough" alternative when we earlier tried several things that just didn't help.

We like to watch TV close together on the couch with my husband's arm around me in the den and pre-cancer just a casual touching in that area often led very naturally to the bedroom.  Maybe we were in a rut but we both enjoyed our sex life.  

My therapist suggested massage but that's so different from the "spontaneous" pre-cancer way we used to be.  It's so "planned" (the massage leading to sex)---I guess I'm saying in a long winded way  that my old breasts were so key to spontaneous sex.

 Particulars would be especially helpful, like the post from fly girl.  Just the possibility of having some concrete suggestions has made me feel more optimistic I can find a way back into sexuality.

Just one more thing, my husband is having no trouble in this regard.  He's up for anything that would stop this long dry spell in our sex life.  He is sensitive to my feelings and willing to experiment.  He's been incredibly patient.  This problem is mine, not his.  I need/want to change.

Thanks in advance, 

Peggy

mrenee68

Peggy, just keep trying, you will find a new way that works. I know easier said than done. The best thing is that your husband is so understanding and willing to help work through all of this. I get what you are saying about the spontaneous touches that led to the bedroom, my new trigger is when my hubby nibbles the back of my neck. Keep searching for those little triggers and your "new normal" will happen. Be patient and sometimes even planned touches can turn out really nice! By the way for what it's worth I think a lot of this has to do with learning to accept the new  and letting go of how things were. Take care.

Ecossais

I envy you both. My mastectomy was last August. We've had sex just twice since then. And recently I've noticed when I've tried to initiate anything he tends to move away.

I've been away for nearly a month dealing with aging parent issues & got back last night. It was lovely to be back with my husband again. Nothing happened, but that's not unusual. This morning I was cuddling but got pushed away again. I got up & had a shower. Shortly afterwards I found him masturbating. 

I'm so hurt & angry & I don't know where to go or what to do. I can't talk to anyone I know - who would want to hear about anything so intimate about anyone they know. Under normal circumstances I'd be a bit upset, but now I'm so scarred, my hair is all weird & I'm not really what I was a year go, but there's nothing I can do about that. I feel utterly rejected & dismissed. 

I've read other posts on here where women were rejected by their husbands. I felt so sad for them. Never thought I'd be joining them.

Moderators

Ecossais, We are glad that you made the decision to reach out to others in this community where people will be able to listen to and to support one another around the myriad of changes and losses that a breast cancer diagnosis can bring. While you wait for others to respond you may also want to check out some information on our site including experts from this conference Ask the experts about changes in relationships after breast cancer. We are sending you warm wishes and know that there is support here for you. The Mods

Ecossais

Thank you.  I'll take a look, and do very much appreciate your response.

Renee51

Eccossais, I am so sorry you are having to do with these issues. Let me suggest a marriage counselor. I am sure there are feelings you both need to express and having someone guide you in a safe environment could be beneficial. Praying for you and for your husband!

Lily55

what is sex? Nothing going on here for over two years.....

PeggySull

Eccosaiss,

There is a weekend retreat held all over the country called Retrouvaille.  It has saved many marriages and resolved impasses in all areas I of life.  It involves a structured format in which couples write to each other in the privacy of their hotel rooms and come together for presentations by other couples who were usually on the brink of divorce. It is sponsored by the Catholic Church but you don't need to be Catholic, you don't even need to be Christain.  The suggested donation is low and if you don't have the money you can go free(meals are provided as are rooms.

This weekend has saved many marriages than couples counseling has I think.  Google Retrouvaille ion your State and you should come up with a listing of where weekends are located.  Ours was just an hour from where we lived.  It starts on Friday evening and ends at lunch Sunday morning, so you stay over two nights.

I HIGHLY recommend it after attending when we were going through a very difficult time in our marriage.

Hugs,

Peggy

PS.  There is no sharing in the large group so everything you reveal will be between you and your husband!