"Moving on" and how to respond to nosy people

MellaBella

I'm at the stage of working on moving past my dx and my surgery and just focusing on a healthy lifestyle and trying to get back to a balanced life.

Yet, I find some people want to muck around in my dx.

One example, today, has me just SO angry. And I always feel like I handle it poorly.
I went for a dental checkup and was asked about recent surgeries. I casually mentioned surgery 2 months ago. They asked what for and I told them. They asked about complications and I said "nope, it's all over."

Fast forward to checkout, the center of all activity there. It's within hearing distance of waiting room and patient chairs.
I was standing there thinking Oh YAY, I didn't encounter odd office manager lady this time (every time there's an odd experience with her).

I'm almost done and she rushes up with her big eyes and says "I understand you had surgery recently."
I say yes. She asks what for? (I KNOW she knows what for b/c it's all together on my chart.)
She isn't asking in a concerned way. Her tone is ... nosy and detached.
I whisper "mastectomy." She blinks and says "what?"

I couldn't believe her. I said "it's all there on my chart if you would like to read it."

She blinks at the receptionist, who then whispers it to her. She looks back at me and blinks some more.
I say simply "it's true."
It was almost like a showdown -- her not believing it b/c I didn't appearing to be lacking a breast, or something.
-----
And, an elderly friend  repeatedly asks me what my surgery was for. I simply said I wasn't ready to talk about it but I appreciated her concern and then asked about her family. I know this will keep coming up, though. She has a repeating personality, lol. I just want to move on.

Am I being too sensitive, or does anyone have suggestions for how to handle people like this? I could use some perspective.Thanks.

MellaBella

I probably should have added that I haven't yet gotten a real foob. So I'm always a bit lopsided and misshaped on one side. So I feel self-conscious walking around my my pillow foob that never stays in place very well.

 I decided I felt better about not telling people, in general. So blurting it out in public just isn't my style!

dlb823

Mella, when someone like the office manager at your dental office asks, "What for?," you might try responding with, "Why do you want to know?"  If it doesn't make them realize that they're just being nosey, it will at least put you back in control of the conversation, and not get lured into sharing personal information with people you don't want to.     Deanna

Bren-2007

Hi MellaBella,

That interaction would piss me off too.  I can't stand it when the receptionist at the dentist or doctor's office feels the need to loudly shout out about my surgery or treatment.  You wonder why they don't have any manners or at the very least be aware of HIPAA.

hugs,

Bren

TB90

I totally agree with dlb:  Put the question right back onto them.  What is it you NEED to know? or What are you needing this information for?  If they have to state it out loud, then they may realize how ridiculous their question is and hopefully out of embarrassment, change their behaviour.  I have also responded with a firm, "I am not prepared to discuss this HERE" (and then look around) to help them realize that they are breaching confidentiality.  We all too often assume responsibility for their bad behaviour and that is what leaves us feeling so violated.  Try not to let them get away with their behaviour.  Hold them responsible.  I have had people ask me how I am doing and when I reply "great" they state "really?"  I then turn to them and ask "And how are you REALLY doing?" Twice, they have become speechless and embarrassed.  Hopefully they won't repeat that behaviour.   

MellaBella

Thanks everyone. I couldn't understand why other people's bad behavior made ME feel like the bad guy and this does help.

After thinking it over some more, I think what she really wanted to say, when she was stammering for quite a while, was "well, then, why do you still have your hair?" or "you don't look like you have BC?"  or something like that. 

It is people like this that make me want to become a hermit and get 87 cats.

Beatmon

......get ready, then someone will say "are you getting nice new perky boobs?" 

voraciousreader

look in the mirror and practice the words, "Excuse me?". Then let the words linger in the air....Works.Every.Time.

kdrez

Ahhhh, understand the feelings you went through.  I live in a community that everyone knows my business.  Here are a couple of phrases and responses I dealt with....and still deal with.

"How are you?".......my response, "I'm still me!"

"Why didn't you have reconstruction?".....my response, "Why didn't you give me one of your boobs!"

"You look so good!".....my response, "Did I look like shit before cancer?"

"Are you sure having one boob is ok?".....my response, "You know a man with one nut?"

"Read your file and seen you had alot of surgeries (nosey secretary)...my response, "Tell me your health history in one word!"

I used to allow myself to get upset, but I realized that their will be ignorant encounters once in awhile.  Keep your chin up, smile do a little reverse psychology.  Humor helps me.  Time is to short to be angry, sad or mad!  Laughter is my medicine!  Just say how you feel at the moment, I freak myself out everytime!

Blessings2011

MellaBella -

I always love  voraciousreader's suggestion to respond with "Excuse me?" but I have found that this works better if you have a shocked/disgusted look on your face, and say it with a piercing, unblinking stare. 

Usually the other party backs off, hopefully as embarrassed as they should be.

And I also like the famous Ann Landers/Dear Abby answer "If that were any of your business, you'd already know the answer."

I guess you could soften it up for your elderly friend by saying "You know, if it were something I wanted to talk about, I already would have. I hope you understand."

And by the way, I have a million snotty comebacks for rude and nosy people, but becoming a hermit with 87 cats still sounds good to me.

voraciousreader

Blessing....I've turned none communicating into an art form.  Even when people behave genuinely concerned and ask how either the DH or I am doing, I always reply with a question, "How are you?". I guess my situation is different from most people's....with the exception of Stage IV sisters, because the DH is chronically ill. And most people don't understand the meaning of "chronic.". And when you throw into the mix " dangerously"  with the word "ill"...I just prefer not to talk about it.  Ever!  I'm immune from "concerned" friends and family.  Just yesterday, I had told a friend we were heading to one of the country's top cardiologists.  This friend knows that the DH has been in and out of the hospital.  You know you are in trouble when doctors ask YOU what they think they should do.  So what does she say to me yesterday?  "I hope he gets a good report." Yeah....so do I!  Doesn't have a clue that we are at the point of wishing there was a PLAN on how to treat him so EVENTUALLY he MIGHT get a "good report.". And the only reason why I told her we were heading to the doctor was because she was asking for a favor and I couldn't help her and telling her I was busy wasn't going to cut it.  So I had to say we had a doctor appointment....Sometimes I think it would be easier to just live under a rock!  Believe me, I don't expect most people to understand the meaning of rare genetic metabolic muscular dystophies, but heart issues?  There must be some understanding that goes on in people's brains that SHOULD make it register how serious a heart issue can be!  A simple, " Hope he can help" would have been a better retort, or, "I wish you both well.". Did she then have to go on to tell me he's Rudy Guliani's cardiologist and this one and that one's too?  Do I care?  The only thing that impresses me about a physician is whether or not they also have a PH.D. and continue to publish.  I don't care if they are a chief of whatever department!  And I certainly don't care who their famous patients are!

Years ago I dumped a "friend." She once "joked" that she wondered if I had Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome.  Taking my none communication to new heights, I never spoke to her again.  I think she realized her faux pas because she had written me not one, but TWO letters.  Don't know what either letter said because I didn't open them.  I'm sure she wasn't trying to be cruel, but I just felt I need not hear such stupidity coming out of the mouth of someone who I had previously thought was intelligent.

Sooooo...I come back to my original suggestion.  When people ask questions, ask them questions instead.  Deflect and obfuscate.  And when they start asking more nosy than concerned questions, ask, "Excuse me?". And on a final note....I learned this one from an aunt of mine..ALWAYS BE A LADY!  You can always make your point with a smile even if you want to scratch someone's eyes out!😇

MaxineO

I am usually too shy to give a blunt response. But I do like dlb's idea of simply turning the question back on the asker and stating "why do you want to know?" Even if it is someone I am willing to share with, I simply state that I had breast surgery and say nothing more about specifics.  The urge to ask is usually decreased if a second/followup is needed to get the information.   I get irritated that people think my breasts are their business just because I had cancer.  I certainly wouldn't ask about their breasts!  Do unto others...

And I think a hermit life and 87 cats sounds perfect to me!

BikerLee

unfortunately - i failed to give a "polite" response to a situation like this at work... rude co-worker - i finally said - .... eff off!  without eff...  used the actual word.  she and i later talked about it... and i apologized for swearing at her, but she took absolutely no responsibility for being out of line with her stupid comments and her stupid questions. it was all me - all me - all me....  yes - i was unprofessional in that short two seconds of time... but i was also responding to really intrusive and unprofessional behavior.  and it sucks too because the aftermath has been a pain.  i'm normally able to tell someone - you're being a jerk - with professional language. but that day - i just hit some kind of a threshold.... and out came the f-word.  sigh....

cp418

BikerLee - I realize you regret your response but frankly some people need it.  She really owed you the apology so please don't waste anymore time agonizing over it.  I agree with VR and dlb - great responses - these individuals really do need better manners and to respect the privacy of others. 

MellaBella

I have enjoyed and appreciated all the responses here. I try to reread this often so that I do not forget these ideas, as forgetting inevitably leads to needing them. 

I had to laugh a little at the elder compulsively-chatty church friend of our family (that I was most worried about really)  ... she asked what my surgery was for (someone else told her against my wishes) and I said "I'm not really talking about that .... maybe someday I will feel like it."  Her response was "well, then ... I will just be telling people it is female trouble, then, I guess." She already knows that she would be having diarrhea of the mouth.  

I've decided it is healthier to find it amusing rather than irritating, at least for the time being.

I knew if I told her the full version about my BC, she would be asking me questions like this loudly and repeatedly during congregational prayers every Sunday:

"So how does that new breast work again????? Do you have to buy special bras?????"

MellaBella

P.S. I haven't been to church really since my biopsies. Some people can be so darn ............ amusing.

fmv22

hey I found ur post interesting and trust me I'd be sooooo pissed!! It's almost like people staring at ur chats after they heard u had a mastectomy. I'm prepping for that one. 

BikerLee

cp418 - unfortunately - this person is a co-worker and continues her "cold" behavior towards me. because i'm the one who used the eff-word.  unfortunately, we both had poor behavior... but i'm the one who's paying the dues...  because - you know - it's socially acceptable to grill cancer patients and make judgey statements about how their choices and so forth...  right?  but it's not socially acceptable to say eff-off.... when pushed to far.  it totally is not acceptable that i did that... i totally acknowledge that. but, sadly, i think i have to count her no longer one of my work friends (she was never a good friend... but at least a friendly co-worker.  now - just a co-worker).

Hanging_in_there

OK this is an old topic, but one that I will soon be dealing with. The responses are OK so far, but I would like something to say to acquaintances/ not close friends who are in the same parenting group. I want to say something so they know they are stepping on boundaries and asking invasive questions. I don't free like the super sweet answer "Oh how nice of you to be concerned with my health... and then ask about things are going with them. I know some people after asking one rude question would probably have asked more, but I sort of answered the first question (because I was too surprised) and continued with another question. One of these people has already asked questions about diagnosis or prognosis. I expect there to be numerous questions from people because I used to be active with this group and have not been for the last (more than a year).

I get the "Excuse ME... with stare". But I think there are people who would not get this! I need more options. Does anyone have any?

edwards750

It is a dilemma to be sure and not one we should have to address but unfortunately some people just can’t take a hint. I do think in part it’s not just idle curiosity but fear - their’s and ours.

I had a neighbor who was the proverbial town crier. She told all her personal business so it must be okay for her to spread the word about yours. My entire cove knew about my BC. She even ran into X neighbors and told them. Not her story to tell but that never stopped her before. I don’t think she is cruel - she just has a big mouth. She talks non-stop.

I didn’t have someone ask me anything specific. They just asked how I was doing. Nothing more, nothing less. People I worked with didn’t persist in knowing either. My boss’ mother had it too so we just compared notes.

Idk what a good response would be other than you don’t want to talk about it. It’s not their divine right to know the gory details. If you don’t respond what are they going to do?

I had a really good friend who was my lifeline. She had been through it and is a nurse at St. Jude so she clearly knows the ropes.

One thing is evident among most of us and that is you find out who your friends are at a time like this.

Diane

Hanging_in_there

Edwards50

I have had 3 people ask about either stage or prognosis or both, so far. (one was a physicians assistant who worked at an urgent care clinic where I went to get a signature for a handicapped parking permit - much earlier than I could have gotten it with my doctor)

Here is what I'm thinking now:

Q: what is your prognosis?

A: EXCUSE ME plus stare

Q: (person thinks I did not hear the question and asks a second time) What is your Prognosis?

A: I heard you the first time, but couldn't believe you would ask such an invasive question.

sbelizabeth

I know there are people who see such questions as an opportunity to educate, and answer honestly. I'm not one of them.

In the beginning, I was so freaked out asking MYSELF these questions, I was taken completely off guard when others asked them. In church, at work, at the dentist. I spluttered and blurted and then promised myself to find a better way.

"What's your stage" and "what's your prognosis" what answered with "why do you want to know?"

If this didn't stop someone, it was "oh...that's in my chart at my oncologist's. You can ask her if you want."

People are kind, for the most part, just a bit nosy, and don't understand how questions like these are distressing.

voraciousreader

it has been a couple of years s8nce I posted ...Excuse me? I still stand by that comment...and I have another thing to add....often times, people will randomly ask how I am doing or how the DH is doing. Now I often fluff things off by saying...”Who honestly cares?” And if someone is brave enough to ask again, I will say, “How are you doing?” I am the queen of non answers!

I have sincerely lost patience with nosy people and even friends who, after knowing me for decades, still will wish me and the DH well when we head out of town for his clinical trial 6 month visits. With his rare metabolic disorder, he will NEVER be well AND visiting the out of town doctor will NEVER cure the DH. Visiting the doctor is a pain in the behind and you would think by now all of our close friends would know it. I have given up on trying to enlighten people about rare metabolic disorders, just like I have lost patience on having to listen to other peoples’ illnesses. I have seen enough hardship when we visit the DH’s team of doctors at a pediatric hospital. Every 6 months, we see the sickest of sick children and the most amazing parents and medical providers.

Having only told a few people about my diagnosis, I have no regrets. There are very few people in my life who DESERVE to know how I, or my husband are feeling. Beyond those lucky few who I share intimately how I feel, the rest of the universe get NOTHING out of me. Remember...those nosy people can only bother you if you let them. Choose, like me, to not let nosy people rule your emotions.

As Diane said, you are going find out pretty soon who your real friends are....and also remember it is your choice who you wish to remain friendly with. Empower yourself with those words....Excuse me? Followed by...And how are you?

Good luck

Hanging_in_there

Had my port flushed and talked to the onco nurse. She said her best response was "Oh let me give you my doctor's number." I like this best.

voraciousreader

touche!

Momine

KB870, bad words come to mind.

Hanging_in_there

KB870

So funny, what guts!