Beginning phases of the Letting Go and Moving On

cs34

Unveiling 5/31/14

Never would I have thought we would be here today

The dreams of our life together were thrust into disarray

Disarray seams a word too kind for a true definition

For my world took an unexpected turn beyond recognition;

Love laughter hope and contentment is no longer the make up of our life

What's left is pain confusion regret tears heartbreak and nothing but strife.

Move on I am told; how easy the concept

Only growth, self worth and lessons were learned as I wept

I wept for years to the dismay of those who love me

The tears fell like rain hour after hour; so I can draw closer to who I will be.

Through the tears and the pain will I new me unveil

Who that is has yet to be seen, but I know in my heart I will not fail.

-------------

Recoil 6/4/14

Why are you here she asks when I nervously sit

How do I reply with an answer that will fit

I've been torn to shreds both physically and emotionally

Do you really think you can help me?

Help me to dig down far enough inside

So that I can stop running and no longer hide

So that I can release the anchor of my past

As it still holds me to him; leaving me aghast

How can this be when all is so clear

The choices he made without any fear

He never looked back to see if I was okay

He just continued on his own drug induced way

Leaving me far behind to figure it all out

Piece by piece, tear by tear, to learn what it's really about.

Time for me to look in the mirror and do what most can't

Face my flaws, insecurities, losses and torment

Is there any strength left I wonder

Or has it all been used on the years I had to ponder.

Did I use it all while removing myself from the chaos

Or can I still tap the reserve for one more toss

At a life I deserve to live

But who is it I truly need to forgive?

I feel that answer is me

But am.i ready to face it all and set myself free

Another long journey of pain

But at what cost for all that I stand to gain

Can I do this and am I truly capable

Is the reserve enough for all to be placed on the table

Shudder to think the pain ahead and the price it will cost

Am I ready to bear and face all that I lost

I try so hard each week when I go

To brace for impact and face all that I already know

Struggling now to acknowledge the list

As I recoil yet again w an iron clad fist

Keeps me safe from the pain I wait to endure

When I will be ready I am still not sure. 


--------------------------------

Bare Walls 6/5/14

Walls bare; what does that really mean

One says so your surroundings feel clean

Allowing a sense of peace to be felt

That God knows was absent with the cards I was dealt.

It's strange to me that my walls remained bare

However, I would like to fill them now; as I am beginning to care

Considered pictures of all who matter to me

How strange it still feels that you it won't be

For a brief moment my heart sank

Then reality hits and my mind goes blank

As I realize the walls I surround myself with day after day

Are clean and white to perhaps show me the way

They represent the clean, white canvas I now have before me

To look forward and create all that my life is intended to be

So I will try to fill in the walls with meaningful things

While a small piece of my heart feels the regret that it brings

Just a small tiny piece that perhaps will remain

As the big broken pieces you held begin to wane

So I can make a new life however much I didn't want to

God is it time for me to look ahead at all I must do

Inside the anchor holds tight, oh so tight

Here before me lies, yet, another fight

The fight of my life as I see it that none can understand

because medicine cannot cure this task at hand

I try so hard to move forward

I just don't know what to look toward

And how to accomplish what's expected of me

When I vehemently feel this wasn't how my life was supposed be

Undo all that I knew and believed and truly wanting

Was taken from me in a manner so haunting

I continue to cry inside like a child that was told no

Which has to stop so I can move ahead and grow

Grow up and stop wasting time so precious

And be the woman you are; who is loving and gracious

---------------------------------------------------

Saturday night 6/7/14 

A stride

Was the anchor not of love but pain

As I sit here now, I do not feel the same

Watching the last five minutes of Beaches

I remember my own cancer and my heart screeches

"You were supposed to be there for me, I needed you!"

And that is the first time I sobbed and felt what you did not do

First time I allowed myself to truly feel the loneliness and despair

Of being a sick cancer patient without your care

I recoil now as I feel I've made a stride

To say the words out loud to you as I cried

-------------------------------------------------

My Inner Voice 6/8/2014

I write this on a blank page as this must stand alone

To finally acknowledge the loneliness and hurt that I've known

While I was busy saving my life enveloped in terror, horror and pain

Unbeknownst to me, you took on another world to my life's disdain

Am I really ready to do this as I struggle with the fight or flight response

That my body, mind and soul has adopted for years to be ensconced

in that safe place to protect me from feelings I had to bury for survival

I have to let my heart feel them now and finally stop this denial

Enough Cara about what you must do, stop it now and get to it

You are out of the chaos now, it's high time you start to admit

that you needed him in ways that to you felt like desperation

Which left you asking could anyone live up to that expectation

For cancer is an awful lonely place to endure; filled with emotional turmoil, horror and shock

Ready or not it will show you all you don't want to see, your life's iniquities it surely will unlock

At this very moment I finally see this as two separate entities, which I never did before

Through the duration of operations, chemo, radiation and hair no more

Those moments were mine to overcome, face and ultimately prevail

But oh how I needed you for the aftermath; to love me as I was left so frail

This is getting very difficult and I see the recoil coming

Keep going Cara; you are safe now, no more running

How I want to stop writing and leave this for another day

But those days have turned into years so you can no longer delay

Your life needs to get beyond what he did so you can move on

as you already left him and you know that forever he is gone

He walks this earth in a mind numbing condition

As he chose a pill addiction

That rendered him a shell of a man of the one I was going to marry

And spend the rest of my days loving and laughing with you Barry

It's time I speak to you directly Barry so I can put this all to rest

I know you loved me but our lives failed the ultimate test

I planned to stand before God and promise to love you till death do us part

But your weakness took over and the choices you made broke my tender heart

Into shattered, jagged pieces, both small and large making it difficult to mend

It's taken years for my tender loyal heart to finally say, "I can no longer defend,"

The amount of burying my heartache that I have done is massive and vast

The questions of why can no longer be pondered and asked

Your addiction left me feeling unloved, scared, tormented and ashamed

When all I needed from you was your love so our lives can be reclaimed

I was unaware the darkness you found to soothe yourself with

As I lay there in our bed fighting my way through my own dark labyrinth

That wasn't my choice but as that fate knocked on our door anyway

You left me alone to battle it in more ways than one to my utter life changing dismay

Maybe one day I can write the list that will be long and distinguished

Of all that your choices made me go through, all that needed to be extinguished

But for this moment I have come to find a clarity that was illusive by choice

Because the pain was too much to bare and gone was my inner voice

Of truth and acceptance for all you weren't and were when I needed you most

I'm still not sure I'm ready for that voice to be heard

I'm still not sure there's enough strength left in the reserve

Maybe I will allow myself to hear my inner voice a little bit at a time

So freedom, love, and the mountain of a happy life I will eventually climb