When do you start not being angry/alone and get on with it

dancingdiva

I have surgery on Monday. I guess that's when the journey begins. I don't know if I'm stage2, 3, 4. Most days I'm working so ignoring what's happening. Then I get depressed and angry that everybody else's life is going and nobody cares about me. I don't know how to care for my kids or what to tell them, 6 and 8yrs. I hate feeling sorry for myself. At night I just wake up in fear, feeling like I can't do this...I can't go through with it so I'm just going to spare myself and everybody else and just jump off a bridge. I'm too old by a couple of years for the young support group at the hospital and I can't relate to someone with much older kids or grandkids. Why did this have to happen now?? I could handle this at 50, I can't handle it now. I don't want my kids to see me sick and I don't know how this will not traumatize them as it's scares the hell out of me!

tangandchris

dancingdiva-I'm so sorry you are going thru this ((hugs))

Alot of the anxiety in the beginning is the not knowing all the facts. After surgery you will have more knowledge about your staging and a better understanding of how treatment will go for you. This will ease some of the anxiety, but along with that comes new stuff to worry about. I'm not going to sugar coat, this is all very difficult. I'm nearing the end of my chemo and I still struggle daily with all of it. Sometimes it is 2 steps forward, one step back. Somedays are better/easier than others, but slowly but surely it gets doable. It IS a new normal, we are adaptable creatures and you will get there too.

Having kids just adds another dimmension to the fears we have. I have felt complete despair at the thought of leaving behind my children. These are things that are better not to focus on, maybe give yourself a little time to "got there", but best not to stay there.

hang in there ((hugs))

momand2kids

HI

big hugs to you.  This is the hardest part.  When you finish the surgery, get your pathology, you can then start to make a plan.  My kids were 7 & 12 when I was diagnosed--- we only told them what they needed to know.  so "mom is going to have a lump removed from her breast".... then, when we had more info-- "mom is going to have treatment".... 

They really stayed on their schedules and I stayed on mine. Worked through most of it-- and they honestly probably don't remember much. They will take their cues from you.  We presented breast cancer as a problem we were going to solve with the doctors and they accepted that.  Truth is, most people are not "sick" with breast cancer.  I did have chemo, but really just had some low days, not "sick" so that the kids would see.  And, kids tend to be pretty self-absorbed.

I found a little ativan to be very helpful during this phase-- just calmed me down alot...... 

Best of luck-good luck with surgery...... come back.. people here will help you.

Islandmama2

I know exactly how you feel. I had lumpectomy and sentinel node bx 1 week ago. I don't have the pathology back yet so still the waiting game and the not knowing. I am 35 and have an 8 year old. I totally get what you are feeling...

Pm me if you want to chat

dancingdiva

I made a big mistake I think in telling one of my daughter's friend's mom about my situation. So she told her daughter who went to school and spoke to my daughter and I don't even know how many people know at this point. My daughter knew I had cancer but not the details. SO she came home talkting about lumps and taking it out and having strong medicine. I was freaking out. So what choice did I have but tell more of what wil happen. I have alopecia so I arleady wear hairpieces and my daughter knows this. But she started to really get upset over the loss of hair. Seeing her that way, crying so much, just ripped me apart.  i don't want to traumatize them and I have 0 tolerance for pain so thinking of the future, puts me in a paralysis of fear.

I do need some stronger sleeping pills. I already had some since i don't sleep well anyways and i was taking to relax but i can never STAY asleep.

and if 1 more person tells me I will be this much stronger...to hell with being stronger. i'd rather be ignorant and not have to deal with this.