I don't know what normal means anymore.

Hope40

One year ago on May 20th, 2013 I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It started off as being we have caught it early!  This is good..  By the time I was finished I was stage 3A, and HER2 positive.  Everything I put into the search engine on my computer was "poor prognosis" "higher percentage of recurrence".  Everything I read seemed to say this is bad, really bad.  This past year I have felt like I have been running an endurance test.  I got through the double mastectomy, I made it through chemo and radiation.  Now I am trying to put my life back together and I can't.  I feel paralyzed.  I want to be hopeful and optimistic, and sometimes I am.  It seems like everywhere I look there is something about cancer, or someone has died or whatever.  It is always there.  I know that I will never be the same, and I accept that.  I know that I have learned to appreciate the small things and the love of my family and friends.  I have met some amazing people who have been wonderful mentors and have inspired me.  I say to myself everyday, you just focus on today and you are here.  My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and is currently doing chemo as a last ditch effort to give her a few more months and help symptoms.  I just can't seem to get any traction.  I am tired of being sad, and I am so tired of the worry and what if's!  I lay in bed at night and every ache, every pain scares the hell out of me.  I have graduated to 6 week visits with my oncologist and I hate it.  When I am there and getting treatment I feel like I am doing something, fighting this disease.  Out here in the normal world I just feel alone.  I just want to feel normal.  I want to look at my kids and not worry that I am going to leave them.  I want to see them grow up. I know all of you feel the same, and there isn't anything I have said that you all don't understand.  I guess I just need to know that at some point I can feel hope again.  I want to find peace and optimism.  I want to wake up and go through the day and not be scared.  Is that possible?

Sunny_Girl

Ola Hope - I'm going to be 2 years out from diagnosis in July - stage 2b. I wish I could offer some enlightened thought here, but I'm not able to articulate it tonight.  

If you are just a year out, everything might still be so raw - like opened exposed nerves.  

I'm thinking about joining a support group or talking to a therapist because not being sure of the future, loss of control and trying to figure out if I did anything to cause this OR if I am continuing to do things that will harm myself or my family are a little bit overwhelming for me to handle.

Anti anxiety meds help as well.

Other people on the boards will stop by and off encouragement, support and listening ears.  It seems like for some people (myself included), it will take a few years to assimilate everything that happened and to calm down mentally. I pray a lot too! 

I just realized I've covered all based, I take anti anxiety meds, do what my Doctor suggests and PRAY!!!!

Patty

Lily55

nine months after diagnosis was the worst time for me, i could gave written most of your post back then but now fifteen months on i feel loads better. I have two weekly sessions with a trauma therapist and that has really helped me, so has learning to be kinder to myself. 

I hate the phrase "the new normal" as i dont feel the same person and refuse to accept how i am now is normal! 

Go easy on yourself and treat yourself as you would with one of your children who had been through your exoerience

Momine

"treat yourself as you would with one of your children who had been through your experience"

Excellent advice.

momand2kids

Hi

big hugs-- it is still early--- I am 5.5 years out and I can tell you it will get better..... the good days will outnumber the bad days slowly, until all of a sudden, there are way more good days.  But do be kind--when I was just  a year out- my hair was still growing in, I was still tired, my body did not feel like my own-- and I really tried to lower my expectations of myself.  At the 2 year mark, things were sooooo much better--hair looked great, I was so much more energetic and was starting to feel more like myself--- 

take good care of yourself.  I found shoe shopping to be quite therapeutic!!!!!

hugs all around

Sunny_Girl

Good Afternoon -  I hope Hope40 checks in - I've been thinking about har & have found Ll of your posts encouraging!

Patty

peacestrength

Hope40 - your words hit home with me.  I'm so tired of worry and fear too.  

Lily55 - I don't like the phase "new normal" either.  

The pieces of my life seem to be everywhere and working with a therapist who helps but my faith is what helps me from freaking out everyday.

Anonymous

Hope40..-  We've all known what you are describing, and I promise you  it will diminish.  You are still very early into treatment and the newness and shock are still raw.  I too was told all the "positive" words, and found out that the cancer was more than I was told. I was diagnosed in 2009.  The days do get better. Hang in there and please stay with us here.

Oceana

Hope40

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I really needed them. I just need to remind myself to take one day at a time. I need to remind myself that my body is still healing and having hurts and pain is probably still normal?