another sleepless night, another damp pillow

Tiphphinne

I'm 33. A mother. I am a wife, and I feel a fraud. Nearly 2 years ago I was told I would die. I would kill my daughter. I was pregnant and told I was so ill I most likely wouldn't see my youngest ever enter kindergarten. I was told to prepare my older for the worst. I had a radical left mastectomy October 2012, at 33 weeks pregnant, The doctors insisting it was my only chance at life. My daughters only chance. Two weeks later, I was told 'woops' we got it wrong. The oncologist had the nerve to hug me, and act as if I should be pleased. I was not mistaken, I was told I would die if I didn't have this surgery. I was given no aftercare at all. Infact, in the hospital the nurses didn't even know why I was there. I've now developed sever lymphedema - and I'm in agony. I have to go to physical therapy 4 hours a week, and that only seems to be preventing the edema from getting worse. I am told because I have no diagnosis, I can't get financial help in getting mastectomy products. Taking a shower, getting dressed or nursing my baby all remind me how repulsive my mutilated body is. I HATE my husband's touch. I don't want him to see me. I cringe when I have to show anyone the scar. I'm horrible, disfigured and all for nothing. If it was because I was 'brave' or 'survived' I could wear my scars with pride. Instead the 10 inch scar slashed diagonally across my chest is a constant reminder of my failure. My closer friends know the truth - but I'm scared to be honest with most people - fearful that they will think I lied. My husband's boss fired him for going to my surgery, and I had to show him my prostetic to get him to believe us. I am so down, so ... lost. I want to enjoy life again. Please, help?

farmerlucy

Hi Tiphphinne - I'm sorry you were dealt such cruel blows. It sucks. You shouldn't have to face this at any age. You have been through so much already.  Do you have access to any type of counseling? Is there a social worker at the hospital you could reach out to? It imay take an exhausting amount of work for you to move forward, but I suspect you can do it because you have the best reasons in the world to do it - your kids and your husband. In my area of the country there is a great lack of  mental health providers, so when I fell into the dark abyss of depression after my diagnosis, I found counseling through my church. My primary care physician also helped with meds for anxiety and depression. 

My response seems so inadequate compared to what you are facing. My heart goes out to you and I pray that with time things gets easier. Gentle hug. 

farmerlucy

I just checked out your other thread. You do belong here. Welcome. We will do what we can to help. Here is information about the program I used through my church - http://www.stephenministries.org/

Many churches of all denominations have Stephen Ministry programs. Basically you meet with your assigned SM once a week. It is a free program. They are not preachy, they don't try to convert you, they just listen. Mine was a cancer social worker in real life. I may be able to find  a church in your area that offers this if you are interested. Take this all in baby steps my dear. Also I agree that you should be able to get reconstruction since you had a cancer diagnosis at the time of surgery. It all sucks. I've learned in life I have to play the cards I'm dealt good or bad. I hope you have a good day. 

ang7894

Here is a thought sue there ass you will get there money for medical reasons they caused.. In the mean time I am so sorry your going through this. Your husband only cares please don't push him away.   In time hope you will be ok with him touching you again.

StacyBrian

It breaks my heart to see you call yourself a failure.  I see NO failure in ANYTHING!  While the money/dx piece is a big, big, big deal, my suggestions is not to ignore these feelings of failure you are having and address them with your family, with your church, with therapy, whatever you have at your disposal.  You HAVE BEEN WRONGED.  Take care of you through the healing of THAT wound, too!

AnnieQ2012

I'm not sure what part of the country you are in... But in central NY area.. There is a program that would help with costs of anything related to breast cancer. Message my in box and I can give you the name of it. 

I am thinking of you and hoping that you are feeling better inside and out... One day at a time.

Annie