Giving support, what is the most helpful?

jamiemarlowe

I recently found out an acquaintance/new friend was diagnosed with breast cancer and yesterday she went in for a bilateral mastectomy. Aside from meals and helping watch and care for her kids, what else was helpful during this process? She seems to have a lot of support, which is wonderful, but I'd like to help more if I can. Any recommendations would be welcome. 

edwards750

Sorry about your friend. You are a good friend to be there for her. Meals and child care are great; you might offer to run errands for her but most of all just be there for her. Lots of people are helpful on the front end and then disappear. I had support too but gotta tell you for me having people to talk to other than family, about my fears, etc was as they say, priceless. One thing I wouldn't do is say call me if you need me; almost no one ever does that. You might chat with people who are helping her to see what she needs. Diane 

Moderators

caregivers, families and friends

HI Jamie, Welcome to the BCO community. You have already received some valuable feedback from Diane. You also may want to check our the topics in the forum linked above that address many concerns of those who are caring for friends with breast cancer. We sill be thinking of you and your friend in the days to come. Keep us posted. The Mods

farmerlucy

Many people were there for me at the surgery and diagnosis, but naturally they tend to drop off and get back to their lives. Often we need the most support after active treatment ends. The one person who really sticks in my mind as far as really being there for me was my mother-in-law. Rain or shine she called me every Saturday afternoon like clockwork just to see how I was doing, this went on for months, long after everyone else had dropped off. That was really helpful to me. 

BayouBabe

Farmerlucy is right.  Friends who stay around for the long haul are definitely rare.  Cancer issues go on for a LONG time, and most people stop checking in after a few weeks, just when they are needed most.  Keep being there!  House cleaning was huge for me.  I couldn't do it myself, and was used to a clean house.  Loved friends who cleaned!  Glad your friend has you in her life!  

lisa137

Housecleaning is HUGE, especially things like having someone to change your bed sheets. Just look around, and do whatever looks like it needs doing. And yeah, listening to her fears and a myriad of other emotions *without* telling her she shouldn't feel that way.

Anonymous

I would add that offering transportation or support for scans, procedures or treatment sessions is helpful. A good friend drove me to the hospital for my sentinel node mapping & stayed with me for the entire time. For some procedures, the patient shouldn't drive due to the effect of certain medications - and having a friend there while waiting is always a help! My friend also brought meals for several days after my surgery. (Unfortunately, she didn't offer housecleaning or laundry & I didn't ask....but hubby took care of that.) Do ask if she needs help with any errands or shopping, or taking the kids to sports practice or dance class (etc.) if they are at that age.

I would say that the #1 thing to AVOID is telling her about the people you know about who had cancer & are fine now (or even worse, NOT fine!)  I can't count how many times people said that to me! Maybe the ones they knew had stage 0 or stage 1. I was at stage 3, grade 3, triple positive - and just hearing that "somebody" is still OK 20 years after cancer, well, that just didn't help me feel positive about the outcome.

Make specific offers to help, be a good friend & sounding board, and just "be there" for her. You are so kind & compassionate to want to reach out & help her at this time - she is blessed to have a new friend like you.

busymama

I had a bilateral mastectomy and lat dorsi recon 6 weeks ago. The 2 main things that helped me out were of course child care and meals. I hate asking for help too so if your friend is the same then maybe just pop over instead of saying 'let me know if you need anything' Things like hanging the washing or offering to do the food shopping. A friend of mine came by and painted my nails Sometimes I just wanted someone to make me a cuppa and sit with me for a bit. I agree though, once the first couple of weeks are over people stop offering to help so much. I had a another friend pop by with a hard drive full of new movies. That was awesome. All the best to your friend