I woke up this morning in a flat terror

Agent99

I was diagnosed Monday morning with IDC so far that's all I know. MRI Thursday then we will schedule surgery  I know so many survivors but I also know a few who didn't   I feel trapped in my body. I don't understand how the rest of the world can keep rolling along as if nothing is wrong!  Everything has changed  I was fine and now I am coming undone!  

teachermom4

Good Morning Agent99! Although I know it doesn't feel like a good morning! Try and take a few deep breaths. I am so sorry that you are experiencing this and I completely understand your feelings! I was there three months ago. As so many strong and beautiful women on here will say, the waiting and unknown treatment plan are so difficult. Once you have your information, you will be able to make decisions, start treatment to get rid of this beast and feel like you are moving forward!

Yes, it is such a weird feeling watching the rest of the world just continuing to function as if nothing has changed! As if!!!!! How dare they??? Our world has changed! BUT, in time, you will step back into the world--with a new perspective, but you will get back there. I was diagnosed three months ago and am getting there and it feels great. Slow and steady, with love and support. You will too! But for now, one day at a time--deep breathing, long walks, a warm drink--you name it. Be good to yourself. Big hugs!!!

Rosiesride

I am so sorry you are here, but it is a great support....I was diagnosed dec. 17, a day after my 54 th birthday...felt a lump under my armpit...stage 2 b ILC and had lumpectomy jan 3 rd 2014...the first 2 weeks of diagnosis, I would wake up and think CANCER.?? ME??...I didn't want to be in any pink ribbon clubs, see pink, hear any "fight like a girl" , etc....I didn't ask to join those pink ribbon clubs and people would just assume I was " ready" to hear all that...no...I had a lot of rules for people...my work family ( I teach kindergarten), my sisters, kids, friends....didn't want a lot of people to know , no hugs, no pity eyes. No praying over me..I just wanted to do what I had to do and get back to normal...it took me up until I started chemo when I was really ready for support and could face the crowds comfortably...

They say chemo is so hard, and it is not a walk in the park, but I still feel the worst was the initial diagnosis...right where you are now...the waiting, the roller coaster of emotions...what helped me was the support of my immediate family, reading the book, Jesus Calling for daily inspirations and POSITIVE THINKING AND ATTITUDE...but everyone is so different...where you are in life...your age, family status etc.   I only recently joined this forum and I didn't research a lot...just on my cancer...now I am in control of my bc I think and question the docs and insist on clarification if I am not understanding things...I have learned so much here...

You will be in my prayers as you go through this difficult time...

"Weeping May remain for the night...but rejoicing comes in the morning."..psalm30:5... My favorite...look for the blessings in this journey...as my oncologist told me...there is always a silver lining...so hard to see now...I wish you peace...Rosie

Rosiesride

cybermab

We all stand with you, Agent. 

Moderators

Agent99, we're all here for you.

Besides sticking around all these amazing women here, you may find interesting to take a look at the Breast Cancer 101 section from the main Breastcancer.org site. It's designed for those newly diagnosed and will help you sort through all of the information on our site to find the more relevant information to you right now. 

Huge HUGS!!

The Mods

farmerlucy

Hi Agent - So sorry for the terrible news. It is something noone wants to hear. It does seem strange that the rest of the world continues on while yours has come to a screeching halt.

It is going to be really scary for a little while. Then, ever so slowly, things will start to improve. 

Many of us need meds to help us through. If you feel you need something ask your doctor. 

Also it is very helpful to join the Surgery Sister thread for the month you'll be having surgery. The ladies there are right where you are and are going through the same thing.  

Please come back often, we have all been right where you are, and as one sister says "we're open 24-7". Gentle hug.

bluepearl

Boy do we all know where you are now Agent99! So very sorry! But this too will pass. You have an existential crisis on your hands now and there will be fear and crying (where hugs are vital medicine) and yes, seek meds if you need them. I walked and walked....sometimes 10 miles a day, lost 20 pounds in two months...just from fear and depression. This a journey you now need to take and I am hoping you have lots of support. I want you to know that this will recede, as you get your treatments and then will come back a bit after your treatments. Stay here. Stay positive. Stay strong. You'll get there. (((hugs))))

Melrosemelrose

Agent99- Glad you found the BCO website and the discussion forum but so very sorry.  I know your feelings well for I am one of those who has travelled here before you and understand and know this road.  Remember you are not alone here and never will be.  There are many here who are willing and ready to give you support, comfort and helpful tips to help make this journey a little easier.  Yes, the part you are on is the emotional roller coaster ride where one moment you are okay and the next you feel sheer panic.  Just fasten that seat belt and hold on tight, you are on some ride!!!  I know there is much coming at you all at once.  Doctors appointments, tests, scans, forms to fill out, etc  ...... all of that is a little overwhelming.  It is one day at time here, one step at a time.  You may that "hurry up and wait" feeling which can create havoc on you.  Just know that within due time, your situation will be revealed to you.  Hopefully patience will become your friend as it became mine.  I know that once you have your treatment plan is in place, you may feel less anxious because you will know where you are heading and how to prepare.  Until that time, if you feel anxious and feel like you need some anti-anxiety medication, don't hesistate to ask for medical help.  As others have told you, please keep coming back and posting and asking questions.  Just keep taking those deep breaths and know that you are not alone.  HUGS....

Nancyinct

Agent99 - We all know too well what you are experiencing. This is a terrible disease but highly curable!!!! That's the good news. The waiting for tests and results and the not-knowing is simply excrutiating. You may have to go through your day moment by moment just to get through; and that's ok. Your emotions are going to be all over the place which is normal and to be expected. I can tell you that throughout my bc experience I was blessed along the entire way. My having bc brought out the absolute best in so many people. It caused many to pause and take a look at their own lives and their own behavior. My friends, co-workers and family helped me to get through it. They were suffering too. I could see it on their faces. Even though you have bc, they are feeling so helpless and scared just like you. You will find strength, information, love and support here; so lean on us and let us help you get through this. Your cancer team will be invaluable so align yourself with a good, nurturing and supportive bc team.

Nancy 

Anonymous

I know exactly that feeling. I can't remember when mine began to pass, but reading positive stories about others who have survived for years made me feel better, I think.  I think when I finally began to understand I wasn't going to die in days or weeks or even months from the disease I got a handle on the reality and my emotions.  The dx feels imminently final at first, but it isn't a true feeling. Your emotions are your survival gene kicking in strongly and that's a good thing.  Just try not to let it paralyze you and instead use it as your weapon to protect yourself, doing everything you can to live a long healthy life.  My fear turned into anger, which was pretty motivating. Ha, I said to bc, you are NOT getting me if I can help it! Every time I did something hard (chemo, shaved head, ran/bikram yoga/hiked/laughed!) during my tx I said "screw you, bc", and let that be my driving force of motivation.

I suppose that doesn't work for everyone, but my stubborness and recalcitrant behavior sure made me strong. Hugs/we are here for you..

Claire

Cammychris

You are not alone in this battle!! We will all be here for you and stand united.  One day at a time is all we can do.  Try and take it easy(easier said).  Tough times do not last, tough people do.  You will get through this.  You can message me at anytime.  I am also newly DX and going for surgery on the 15th.  It is a scary thing that we are all facing or have faced but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Have Faith not Fear.  (((hugs)))

tangandchris

Hi Agent99-you are still early in the process and what you are feeling is very normal. I remember thinking, how did this happen to me??? Cancer....really?? It took awhile for that to wear off, once you get your tx plan started that shock feeling will ease up. For me, I still look around at times and wonder how does everyone just keep going on with their lives. I was dx'd in October 2013 and I am currently going thru chemo. It is an emotional roller coaster, but it will even out. ((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. PM if you'd like.

Rosiesride

hey tangandchris...I started chemo February 10 2014...almost done...may 12 is fifth one and June 2nd is last one! I think we are pretty close in when we started ...

So agent99...there is a light at the end of the tunnel...it's a tough ride, but blessings and insight come from our struggles...look for them...and the beginning of this journey is the hard part but it passes...hang in there dear! Rosie

Nimm

I was just diagnosed last Thursday. I don't have words to describe how I feel. My son graduated yesterday and I sat there and wondered if I would be alive to see my other two boys graduate. I have oncologist appointment on the 27th and surgeon after that.  You are not alone....

Rosiesride

nimm...I am sorry you are on this journey...where the beginning is the roughest ride...I was diagnosed dec 17. 2013...waking up with the thought of cancer lasted awhile for me...then I just said BULLSH*T...I surrounded myself with positive thoughts...immersed myself in Pinterest quotes of all things...read only inspirational things...I just wanted to do what I had to do to get back to living my life ....I never let the thoughts of not being here for my kids takeover...pushed it way faraway!!  20 yr. old twin girls and 25 yr. old son who just graduated college last week....cancer wins if we let it steal our joy...easy to say now that I am almost done with chemo and see a light at the end of this tunnel...I looked for blessings everyday and still find them...you are at the hardest part here...waiting....fear of the unknown...I hope things get better after you know where you are in this....best of luck to you dear..."weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" psalm 30:5...it will come...Rosie 

Nimm

Thank you for your support. I am past the waking up and I have cancer thought or so I think. Now kind of angry...I look in the mirror and wonder how many women are like me "normal" yet not!  And the worst is still not knowing where I'm at and my treatment plan. Is it typical to wait a week to see oncologist? Then mentioned referral to surgeon??? Is that going to take another week or two? The waiting is excruciating to say the least.

Nimm

sorry that I took over thread guess I should start my own...