Today I'm mad

noonrider

I arrived home with our new daughter, adopted from Serbia, on March 19th. On the 20th, foggy with jet lag, I had a routine mammo done. My husband went along because his previous wife had BC and so he just always goes with me. In an hour I had a mammo, ultrasound, biopsy and "this will come back as cancer". I had my biopsy results back the next day.

My lumpectomy and SNB was on 4/2. Stage 1, grade 2, 2 cm with 5cm removed. ER/PR+, HER-, Margins and nodes clear. I haven't met with my oncologist yet (that's scheduled for 5/1) but I have my oncotype results back. I can't take tamoxifen due to stroke risk.

We have 10 kids, with the youngest 5 kids at home, all have Down syndrome. The newest just learning what its like to live in a family. I don't want her to think "mommies" are always sick. What a warped way for her to learn about family.

I don't cry anymore. I'm more mad at the moment. I have this family that needs ultra-consistant structure to function. Kids with PTSD who can't handle change. Some who are petrified of doctors and all things medical because of past trauma, and others who are obsessed with IV's, doctors, lab coats and surgery. Four who are non-verbal who can't tell me what they're thinking. One who talks so much and has no filter so we know *every* thought that goes through her pretty little head. I'm mad. 

I don't have time for this. I'm mad that my oncotype puts me in the "intermediate" group where there is no cut and dry decision. Why can't I be in a definitive group??? Is that too much to ask?

I'm mad that our sex life has gone to crap. The month before I left for Serbia there was nothing because we were both stressed with all the things involved in international adoption (this was our fourth international adoption in 3 1/2 years) Then I came home and found out I have cancer and was all bruised from the biopsy, then two weeks home had surgery. Now that my boob is no longer looking like it was pummeled by a baseball bat, I'm mentally ready for sex but HE is not. Plus, I'm exhausted. Bringing home a new kid with medical issues, helping her attach to the family, helping our other kids adjust to another new sibling…its just a lot. I don't have time for cancer. I'm mad that it has invaded my life. I refuse to let it take over though, so I don't talk to anyone about it. If they ask I answer then quickly change the subject. My friends don't call because they're afraid to bother me, assuming I'm busy (and I am, but I'm not THAT busy) 

So that's it. That's my vent for today. I'm an avid blogger but some things are not really blog material. At least I know you ladies understand. 

And my hair sucks. If I have to have chemo, I want better hair than what I have now. I don't think that is too much to ask. 

Thank you for giving me a safe place to vent!

Maureen1

(((lespring))) so very sorry you've had to join us but...yes...this is a safe place to vent and we do understand what if feels like to have our lives turned upside down by this beast. You and your husband sound like very caring parents, adopting special needs children and providing them with love and hope...It's okay to be mad that you are facing this - wish there were more cut and dry decisions and that the path were clearer. Take care, I hope you have a treatment plan soon (((Hopeful Hugs))) Maureen

MsPharoah

Lespring,  I am mad for you!  There is nothing fair about this disease and you have every right to vent. Aaaaarg!!!

just had a couple of suggestions/comments for what they are worth.  Call your friends...don't wait for them to call you and tell them what you need them to do for you.  Being vulnerable is hard, but your friends want to help...ask them.

Hair???  I know what you mean.  When I made the decision to do chemo, losing my horrible hair didn't seem so bad to me.  My wigs were fabulous, just loved them so much.  I now have my post chemo pixie cut and I love it....I am keeping it.  Cancer just sucks, but at least my hair is better now.

You are an amazing woman and you will always be amazing!

Sending you loving kindness, MsP

lynnlyre

I think we all go through the 5 stages of grief.  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.  For me Denial ended with the positive biopsy.  Currently I'm bouncing between Anger and Depression.  I'm guessing that the Bargaining with begin when I get my Onco test results and we need to decide on chemo/radiation.  I am angry that my children now may loose the younger parent.  My husband is 62 and I am 50 with a 8 year old boy and 13 year old boy.  I am also the main bread winner for the family and I am worried that treatment cost, both medical expenses and loss of earnings will mean I will loose my house.  I was also scheduled to finish a college degree this summer and that may need to be put off for another year.  Add to that that I was not given the option to have reconstruction done due to my weight and I am now looking at going back to work with right breast.  I AM ANGRY.  

noonrider

GRRRR I hear you lynnlyre! I am 46 years old. My kids are 28, 27, 25, 24, 23 who are on their own and 17, 14, 10, 9, 9. who are at home. But those at home are developmentally 7, 7, 4, 3, 18 months. Four are new to having a family. I hate this is getting screwed up for them again. I got my oncotype back a couple days ago. I was at 18, with 14% recurrence **IF** I take Tamoxifen, which I can't. At this point I just want to say "Give me chemo already and lets get this done!" I don't know how I would manage chemo with my kids out of school for the summer, but I guess we'll figure it out if it comes to that. Ultimately I have five kids who need a mom in charge for their entire lives, not just until they reach adulthood, and so I just want this gone like everyone else does!

mz_mes

I'm so sorry lespring that you have to deal with this health crisis when you would ordinarily be celebrating the expansion of your loving and lovely family.  I hope you have good support from your husband and friends or your older children.  You have every right to be mad because this is very hard to deal with and especially for busy mothers with kids at home who need everything.  I know it can be hard to ask for help but tell folks who ask how they can help you.  You deserve a hand!  Sending you warm wishes for your comfort and for competent help juggling all you have going on at home.  Meet the social worker at your medical facility and I'll bet they could come up with some support services for your beautiful kids while you go thru treatment.

noonrider

Funny thing (not funny haha) the social worker who did our adoption home studies found out she had breast cancer right before our third adoption. When she did our home visit she was a few rounds into chemo and had already lost her hair. When we did our four adoption she came to the house and her hair was back. Only curly. "I have no idea how to deal with curly hair!" she said. My hairstylist had amazing, thick, chestnut hair. Stunning. Hers came back silver. Still stunning, but …umm…silver. I don't mind silver (I have a lot of it now!) I just want MORE of it. LOL

Anneinfla

dear lespring, Boy do I understand the anger! I am in a relatively new relationship,(4 years) upon dx last April. It was my 52 birthday present apparently. I am a uni, with a flipping D cup hanging off one side now! My surgeon did not do a bilateral because of risk of infection. I think I could have dealt with the risk better than feeling like a side show freak. I know that sounds terrible. I should just be grateful to be alive, but I am pissed off! I have an appt with plastic in sept. And, truth be known I'm not sure I want recon. But, I darn sure know the other has got to go! It is cruel to leave one, especially when you are large breasted. Add to that the tamoxifen helping the saggy, shrunken look sucks. I can get away from it. Every time I look in the mirror, every time I go out in public, I have to think about it. The bras and forms are ok, but they move, hang lower or higher than the other, are hot, and just plain uncomfortable.

And, my relationship. Wow, so complicated. He was dx prostate cancer in jan last year, ( yep me breast in April). He was fortunate to have a surgery done that cleared the lining (killing the cancer), of the prostate. A month or two of discomfort, and he was done. I am glad for him, but it pisses me off that we don't have better tx for other cancers. 

I can relate very well to the stages of grief. I still seem to vacillate between depression and anger. Wish I could get to the acceptance part. 

I hope things get better for you. I just have to keep telling myself that this to shall pass. 

Hang in there!