Well, that was a shocker...

Firelady

Just had a huge blow-out with DH.  Apparently he feels I've treated him like a dog ever since I found out I'm Stage IV.  I had no idea.  In fact, other than issues I've had with medication, I thought I had handled things very well.  I've had a couple of meltdowns & periods of confusion attributed to side effects and medication, and I admit I've had irritability related to steroids use.  This all started for me in November thinking I had a back injury.  In Dec I had gallbladder surgery thinking it was related to gallstones & a stone stuck in the duct.  Then in January, a biopsy that led to diagnosis.  We both cried like babies at first, then things seemed to pick up and we jumped the roller coaster ride we all become familiar with.  My sleep patterns have been messed up & I've been up cooking his breakfast before he leaves, cooking supper when he gets home, he's been to all of my appts and been a huge part of any discussions regarding treatment, etc.  He's been the go-to for friends & family, so he's been involved and it was my understanding he wanted to be involved.  But today, it all came crumbling down.  I no longer feel comfortable thinking I know how he feels.  He says I'm ugly to him.  Other than a time or two when I know I was on a roll from lack of sleep, steroids, or side effects, I honestly don't know of any times when I was deliberately mean or ugly to him & he can't even give me examples.  It's just a generalized statement and, to be perfectly honest, it really hurt & cut deep.  I don't think this is "divorce" material or anything like that, but it most definitely has changed the complexion of tomorrow and how to move forward.  Any suggestions?  We've spent the entire afternoon in different parts of the house, not speaking.  Not what I expected for today at all but there doesn't seem to be any moving past it just yet.  He's upset with me & nothing else matters right now.

edwards750

I do not have Stage IV breast cancer but I am sure the ladies who do can relate to you better about the physical end of what you are going through. There are a number of women who are experiencing the same rejection from their significant others at a time when they needed them the most. I think our spouses take us for granted and when the roles are reversed they are simply at a loss. He sounds angry to me. I am no shrink but he probably had those feelings built up for some time. You know when we are DX we go through a roller coaster of emotions - all perfectly natural but painful to others just the same. The thing is its enough that you are dealing with this horrific disease and then you have to kind of keep your game face on for your loved ones. Not easy to do. I know I found myself feeling like I needed to apologize for a disease I certainly didn't ask for nor want - that's obvious. You guys are upset and have a right to be. I think he is angry at your condition not you but you are of course are the likely target - it has drastically changed your lives; how could it not and you are upset with him because if you ever needed support it is now. We have enough on our plate and now we have to also take on propping up another person. I am not saying you are necessarily - I don't know your husband. I do believe some things just have to be overlooked and allowances made during this very difficult time.  Once you guys cool off it will be okay. Keep the faith you are in my prayers. Diane

Moiralf

Firelady,

I agree with edwards in many respects. 

It sounds like he is finally just overwhelmed by it all and broke down with anger and confusion. That does not excuse him from speaking to you like that though. You are in this together and it does sound like until now he has been with you and supporting. It is ok for him to be angry and in fact he should be but he doesn't need to take it out on you. Those hurting words can be forgiven but they can never been forgotten and that is a shame.

This whole situation test us time and again and it is ok to off load and say things that maybe at other times we would not mean but just this once our emotions go out of control. But the off load must be in a safe place and with people who won't be hurt by it. That is why I believe so much in counselling of any sort. Professional or church pastors or even trusted friends who understand what their role is. A  safe place to say those things that bottle up inside us but shouldn't be said to our loved ones.

I am stage 4 and like you  the dx came out of the blue and suddenly. Really we have all we can do to survive each day and continue and we so truly need our dh to be everything to us. But they are use to us being and doing things like we always have and struggle to adjust. Like us they want things to be the way they always were and that is never going to happen. It takes time to come to terms with that and I would say it is hitting your dh now and he is speaking to that pain.

I hope things calm down for you both and maybe some quiet talking and understanding on both sides will clear the air. He  should know that what he said hurt you very much and there are better ways to express when he is not coping. If he indeed  recognises that  was what he was doing. If he doesn't see that, he is been selfish and mean spirited so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

Is there someone you both can talk to together to get this hurt out of the way? Sometimes it helps to have that third party to help sort out what is really going on. Individual counselling is good but couples do need help too.

Of course males sometimes prefer not to ever speak of it again but we females need to talk it out. Depends on your spouse if he is a talker or not. In this case the hurt might be very deep for both of you and really you need each other now more than ever. Don't let this fester or pretend it's gone away if it hasn't. Now is no time to spend energy on hurt and anger. You need to be united and working together. Both supporting each other. I hope you get that back soon and both of you remain strong.

Moira

Firelady

Nothing changed much for the evening.  We did end up in the same room watching TV but no conversation.  I really have nothing to say right now & I guess he doesn't either.  He'll be working today & I've got a full day of dr appts & and a nuclear bone scan.  We won't be home until late this evening, so maybe the business of the day will help us  both move past the words & emotions of yesterday.  In the meantime, I will spend my waiting times trying to figure out my part in all of this.  Plain speaking, he can be babyish & blaming at times but he's not one to lash out like this.  I can be sharp when I'm irritable, but I honestly don't remember targeting him with anything until yesterday when all of this started.  Time for a little self-analysis, I guess, to figure it all out.  Yes, counseling may be in order.  I've been there before, WE haven't, but I have.  I don't mind going back and, considering the circumstances of our life now, maybe there will be times he won't mind joining.  I won't push, we'll just see where it goes.  I think my best bet right now is lay low & see where it goes over the next day or so.