Waiting for mets..vent

wrenn

I have a generalized anxiety about 'when' mets will show up. I realize I spend every day waiting for a recurrence. It drives me crazy. I can't seem to get in the right frame of mind to move on and have faith that I will live a long time. 

Lily55

when were you diagnosed Wrenn? What kind of cancer? I think it takes time to adjust to. we would not be human if some fear was not lurking at test times, and random others. Did you read the thread i started? Am i deluding myself?

Can i help in any way? I was hugely traumatised for well over a year but better now apart from some days! 

cancerisnotmyhappyplace

Wren- I have my scan this week and it feels like waiting for the yet another negative test result to come crashing into our lives. Nothing I say could help with the anxiety. However know that you are not alone. While this site is filled with stories of women who have lived long active lives even with mets, it is still a life overshadowed by cancer. I hope you find some peace for today.

encyclias

I know exactly how you feel, Wrenn.  And to add to my anxiety, I have a follow-up mammo and u/s on the 12th of this month.   Arrgh!

Carol

sandilee

It's not a crazy thing to think, wren.  It's just your brain being logical and defensive, and human.

  Living with the uncertainty of cancer is something all of us at any stage have to deal with to some degree or another. It's hard. That's all there is to it.    

  One thing that helps me is when waking up each day, consciously bringing gratitude into my thoughts.  In spite of my diagnosis and likely shortened life-span, it doesn't take a lot of looking to find many people much worse off than I am, cancer or no cancer.  I'm grateful for my life- wonderful family, husband, grown kids, a comfortable living, good medical care, a peaceful community to live in...stuff like that.  I don't believe in the "positive, cheery attitude" particularly, but my gratitude is real.  It gets me through the rough times.

  I hope you stay in remission until you die peacefully in your sleep at 99+.  But if your cancer returns, do know that life isn't over with that diagnosis. It will be more challenging for sure, but there are a lot of us living with mets who still are living our lives, in spite of them, and have good reasons to believe we can keep on for a long time. Maybe knowing this will ease your anxiety a bit.  Take care.

 

wrenn

Thanks for the kind responses. I knew you would 'get it'.  I joined an integrative health clinic to try to get the right attitude and do have the tools available to me to relax and meditate and feel gratitude and yet I don't seem to be doing well with it because the fear of the return makes me want to avoid the whole topic. I stay busy and don't actively think about it but realized today that my avoidance is not working and I am just feeling tense. Maybe admitting it to myself and to you wonderful women (and men) will help me face that I really do need to start to actively try to do some positive stuff instead of living in terror.

I think until chemo was terminated on me I had the feeling that I was curing it but now feel like it is sitting there with a grin waiting to get me. 

It really helps to not be alone on this. Thank you so much.

exbrnxgrl

wrenn,

You are certainly not alone! I think everyone here has had the same fears as you have. Even those of us who are already stage IV fret over the results of the next scan. As sandilee said, stage IV doesn't mean the end, if it does happen. I am getting close to 3 years out from dx, and lead a pretty normal life. That being said, I did resolve to not let myself become consumed by worry. If I did, cancer would be winning in more than just robbing me of things physically, it would be robbing me of being the person I am. Someday, it will make my life difficult but I won't let that happen a day sooner than it has to. I know you said you were trying meditation and gratitude but if your emotions are really getting the better of you and interfering with your enjoyment of life, please consider seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist who specializes in cancer patients. With or without meds, they can be very helpful.

ziggypop

Hi wrenn, 

It is really easy for people (and I include saying these things to ourselves) to say, "Why waste your time worrying?", or "Just be happy that you are alive now, " or "One day at a time." And all of these things are absolutely true - the problem is, of course, that we can't just 'shut off' worrying - and it's a part of our illness (and I very much consider it to be so - as much as any other side effect, complication, etc. "worrying" is something that we are left with as a result of having had cancer). And like other things it affects our QOL, so there's no reason to minimize it as being something that isn't 'real' or that doesn't need treatment just like any physical SE would. When I realized that I was worrying - which happened more several months after completing treatment then before then, I started to think about how to 'treat' it. 

Anyway, this for me was what I considered as a first 'step' - 

1) recognize that worry is a real thing and that it needs treatment just like anything that is physically debilitating

The second step for me was to not feel like a wimp because I was worrying

2) recognize that you have been through a hugely traumatic experience and that it has real consequences and allow yourself the same leeway that you would a soldier suffering from PTSD. 

The third step was to figure out what options for 'treatment' were available - even if that meant making some up - and then devising a treatment plan for myself & committing to treating it just like I would something physical - meaning not stopping until I got something that offered me enough relief that I felt like I could live with the amount of worry (pain) that I felt reasonably. 

So I did what you did and I posted, and I also made a list of what Things people do (in general) to help deal with worry. Here's some of the things I came up with. 

1) Faith - I'm not a religious person but I recognize that a strong faith really helps some people cope with things. It doesn't 'work' for me. But I did decide to say the serenity prayer each day as a reminder to myself that I can change some things but not others. 

2) meditation - nope, just can't do it, but I do try sometimes to just relax every part of my body - I start with my toes and work my way up and then start with my toes again. 

3) yoga - No, just not for me, the idea of changing into an outfit & driving somewhere just makes me tense. 

4) therapy - I have not tried it BUT, I read about therapy that actually takes you to the place that you most fear - for me, that is of course stage IV, so I did that. I imagined hearing the words, what it would mean, what I would do, who would tell me, who would take care of me, etc. And I started reading the stage IV threads - and this I think really helped even though it was hard. What I realized is that when things do happen, we deal with them because we have too. We don't have any other choice. And I realized that if it turns out that I am stage IV, then I will deal like it muh like these women do & they do. Hard as it is, they do. This is what has helped me the most. 

5) Being selfish - this is my own. I've been through some rough shit. I hope that I have learned that this life that I have is the only one that I know of that I am going to have & so the things that I love to do - I should do those as much as possible & let loose of some of the stuff that I really don't want to use up my time on. When I do the things I really love to do, I find that I kind of 'forget' to worry.

6) anti-anxiety meds - I will call my doc if I feel like I need them and not feel like a wimp for doing so.  

So - I don't know as any of this will help - and I still worry - but I feel like it's at a manageable level.  

Lily55

maybe a walk each day would be better as doing solitary things when in throes of PTSD can make you worse.  I see you are not even one year along so its VERY early days yet. Be kind to yourself