Recently married, sad, need someone to talk to

LaVieEnRose

I don't know if I need encouraging words, advice, or what, so I guess I'll put my feelings out there.  I'm 30 and was diagnosed with breast cancer exactly a month after my 1 year anniversary with my new husband.  He's been nothing short of amazing; so helpful and supportive, going to every appt with me and asking questions of the doctors, helping me when we hit roadblocks (like insurance hiccups or when the docs fail to follow through on something), and he's been working full time through this.  He comes from a family that's really healthy and hasn't had to deal with this in the past, whereas I come from a family with lots of breast cancer, so I guess I felt like I was more familiar with dealing with cancer.

The thing is, I feel so upset that I'm now not the wife that he married.  The one he married was healthy and active, had lots of goals and plans, had natural breasts.  Now he has a wife with constant doctor's appointments, scars all over her chest, weird looking fake breasts, currently can't do all of the fun things we used to do (kayaking, rock climbing, etc) and looks very different from a year ago.  I cry every time I think about how unfair this is to him and how he doesn't deserve this.  He deserves to still be in that newlywed glow of life, not worrying about such a serious disease. 

I used to work more than full time hours but I can't return until I'm almost fully healed from the mastectomy/reconstruction because of the physical nature of my job.  I just want to sleep all day and wake up when this is all over.  We used to travel a lot or do spontaneous things, but now we're waiting on whether I need chemo or not.  

Am I going crazy?  None of my friends have been through this, so while they're supportive, I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to who understands.  Are these normal feelings?  

Maureen1

(((LaVieEnRose))) I am so very sorry you are facing this beast at a time when your life should be all those things you've described - active, spontaneous, looking forward to your life together with your new husband...You're not going crazy...your feelings are normal, I know I thought I would never stop crying when I was first diagnosed, I felt blindsided at a time in my life when I felt healthy, strong, and had no health concerns and found my lump (after a "completely normal" mammogram). My doctor told me, "you are still a healthy woman, you're just a healthy woman with breast cancer". That's how I try to look at it...Once I got thru surgery and chemo I started to feel better and more positive, I hope you do too. You've been thru so much, sharing your feelings and talking to people who understand can help and if you need more than that, like many of us do, your doctor can help you with counseling or meds. There are so many wonderful, helpful women on these boards who know how you feel and what you're going thru...Also there is a forum here with young women in their 30's...(((Healing Hugs))) Maureen

mrenee68

LaVieEnRose, I am so sorry you are having to go though this at such a wonderful time in your life. This to shall pass and you will get back to your life, just with a new twist. It sounds like you have an awesome husband and that is a true blessing. You are not crazy and you are entitled to feel however. Cry if you need to, scream, yell and cry some more. I cried a lot and still every now and then I shed a few tears. Take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself, and don't forget to breath. Keep us posted. (((Hugs)))

Moderators

LaVieEnRose, 

Your husband sounds wonderful and supportive.  You are not crazy at all, just dealing with a lot.  This community will support you through on your breast cancer journey, so vent, scream and share your feelings.  Please keep us posted. 

Best wishes, 

(((The Mods)))

Colt45

Do not sell yourself short.  Your husband sounds like a good man.  He is finding out how strong and special you are.  Some men never find this out about the woman they love.  He is no victim. He is blessed to be with you. Give him the chance to love you even more.  You both deserve that.  

Healing, positive thoughts being sent your way...  that you may enjoy a long, wonderful life together.

farmerlucy

LaVieEnRose - I am so sorry that you have to deal with this at your young age. It sucks and it is not fair. Today is my two year cancerversary. Two years ago I could not believe that a strong vibrant, healthy, woman could be reduced to a complete wreck in just a matter of days. Little did I know of the amazing woman that was going to come out of that mess. What you are experiencing is temporary. You are going to be able to do all those fun.spontaneous things again with your husband. This is a bump on the road of life. You know what your husband is going to see when he looks at his bride? He is going to see the beautiful loving young woman he married, but now there will be something even more special about her, he will see the wisdom and the compassion she has gained. He will see her embrace life with a gusto and excitement she never had before. He will look at her and be in awe. Because you are AWESOME. Scars fade as does the sting of the diagnosis. You will get through this together. If roles were reversed I'm sure you'd jump at the chance to support him as he has supported you. That is what marriage is all about. Hugs to you sweet BEAUTIFUL girl!

Racy

It sounds like you have only been recently diagnosed, so it's natural that you would have all sorts of thoughts and feelings running through your mind. I remember my diagnosis felt like a bad dream to me for months.

As your body heals, you will be able to do more again.

Did you and your husband take the vow 'in sickness and in health' or similar? If so, then your husband is living up to that vow and I'm sure his love and concern for you are what he is thinking about now, not what he is missing out on.

You might benefit from taking an antidepressant medication during this time. It can help you to get up each day and get some enjoyment from doing small things with your husband. Even going out to dinner could return some normality to your relationship (or a nice dinner and movie at home if you aren't up to going out yet).

Please don't take the following comment the wrong way as I do understand your sadness, but once in a while, for your husband, could you try to put it to the side for a few hours and give some special attention to your husband, doing something that he and you both enjoy that is not too taxing on you physically? (i.e. non-cancer time). It might help you feel less 'guilty' about your husband's life not being what you expected and the distraction may help you feel better too. (It's not your fault by the way).

I remember when I was going through treatment, I often had to 'fake' being normal so that I could do something to help someone else. 

Sorry for rambling but the main message I want to give you is to talk with your doctor about antidepressant medication and counselling, where you can discuss your feelings with someone outside the situation. 

And keep connected here. This site is literally a life saver!

ziggypop

'Now he has a wife with constant doctor's appointments, scars all over her chest, weird looking fake breasts, currently can't do all of the fun things we used to do (kayaking, rock climbing, etc) and looks very different from a year ago. I cry every time I think about how unfair this is to him and how he doesn't deserve this. He deserves to still be in that newlywed glow of life, not worrying about such a serious disease.'

He has a wife that despite the fact that she has constant doctor's appointments and has gone through some serious physical and emotional trauma over the last year is thinking about HIM because she loves him that much and is that giving and unselfish. He has been pushed perhaps beyond where he has been in the past and met the challenge of being strong for someone else who he loves enough to marry and stand by in sickness and in health and has earned a justifiable pride in himself. He has a wife who can't do with him the things that they used to do and now they must find other activities that they may perhaps enjoy together for the rest of their lives that they might not otherwise have found until they were old and shriveled and can now add to their repertoire of things they enjoy doing together. He has been given the gift of showing his wife that the true depth of his love goes well beyond the newlywed glow that can be so translucent and short lived. And as his wife regains her strength, they will find that their relationship has endured much more than so many of their age and the level of trust and tenderness has reached a level they didn't know was possible.  (((hugs))) You will be okay. 

mdg

I think we all go through this.  I told my husband that I felt like I was ruining his life.....I can relate and we had been married longer and had a 4 year old son.  It is a lot to go through and my husband was at my side through it all so I am very fortunate.  What I can tell you is that I am over 3 years out from my diagnosis.  I do everything I want to do.  Life is back to normal and even better in many ways than before BC.  It is hard to look forward when you are in the middle of it all, but in time it will be easier.  Have you found a local support group at all?  You may want to consider looking in your area.  In addition, when you can get out and start being active again.  Start slow.  I started walking at the mall 2 weeks after my BMX and went back to teaching fitness classes 1 month after finishing chemo.  Have faith....things will get better!  Hugs!