10 years later

Anonymous

I recently learned, after looking up the name of a pill bottle of my mothers and confronting her, that she had had DCIS breast cancer and a lymph node problem in her armpit and some form of invasive tumor resulting in chemotherapy, hormone therapy and a ultimate double mastectomy. This all happened close to 11 years ago when I was 4 years old. I know that she is lucky to be healthy and safe with no recurrences for 10 years but I also have mixed feelings about her keeping it from me. I was very young, but it makes me feel as though my life is a lie. All this time we were pretending to be a happy family as she was struggling. She says this was mainly because of not wanting it to really be real herself. My mom has always been my rock, the one person I thought would always be safe, and I couldn't emotionally be there for her. I also feel like I don't know how to feel as its been 10-11 years after this happened and it never emotionally impacted me as a child. I want to grieve for this or at least be sad but I don't know how to. I also feel like she would have never told me without me finding the tamoxifen hormone pills and she told others. I think I mostly feel betrayed if I can without seeming selfish or un grateful for her health which is what I definitely don't want to come off as. I'm just looking for a little support from outside my family or advice for processing this as its still a somewhat a secret and its hard for me to discuss with my parents at home since its still being kept a secret from my 12-13 year old sister. I'm also only 15. 

Thanks in advance. 

Racy

california, I understand this must be difficult for you and very confronting. I don't know quite what to say but want to acknowledge your post. I'm sure your parents love you and want to shield you from trials for as long as possible.  People have lots of reasons for keeping these types of things secret; I know I do.

Take consolation that your mom has been well for so many years.  She is  a survivor and you and her family are most important to her.

jlow51

California, I understand your emotions; angry that she never told you, afraid that it is a danger that will present itself again and .... uncertainty of the past and the future. I'm sure your Mom is the same as every mother on these boards....the first thought we have when we are told we have cancer is ... How will this impact our children and their lives.  It is a concern for your futures. A concern that we will not be there for you. An overwhelming sadness that we will not be there to wipe every tear, heal every scrape and hurt, help you make good decisions for your future, see you walk down the aisle and see our grandchildren born. All these fears flood a mother's heart immediately upon hearing the word "cancer"  

And, then our protective instinct kicks in. We will do whatever it takes to fight this thing, to be here for our kids.  Your Mom took every treatment possible to be here for you for a long time. A warrior fighting for herself and the chance to be here for you and your sister.  You need to hug her neck, tell her you love her, thank her for not placing the burden of worrying about her in your young life, and then say "Mom, I need to talk this out".  I know she was only protecting you. Now you know. Life has changed. Now you need reassurance. Grieve a bit over your Mom's fight with cancer and then rejoice and be happy for her victory over it!!

itsjustme10

California...I can understand that your world is rocked right now, but I'm sure that you knew something was up back then - your mom would have had a 4 year old and a 1 1/2 - 2 year old, so  someone had to be helping her for a while, and there was probably a time you couldn't jump on your mom, or hug her.  You just don't remember everything from when you were that little.

4 year olds cannot deliberately be there as support - they haven't developed enough yet - they can understand "mommy needs an operation to feel better" and be loving, but they can't understand cancer.  So, it's not like you would have acted any differently than you did.  I'm sure you were very loving and as helpful as you could be back then, but your mom loved you enough to make sure it didn't traumatize you, and that's awesome.

There is no reason for feeling the guilt you do for not being scared back then.  Your life isn't a lie.  You have a very caring mother, and her grown up problems weren't dropped on the lap of a toddler - that's a good thing!!

If your mom is still having trouble talking about this, and dealing with this, even though you are still so young, maybe you can suggest that both of you go to family counseling, even bring your younger sister, so you can get past your feelings, and maybe it'll help her deal with her's, too.  You girls are at an age where you can and should be told, just so you know your family health history.

Good luck!!

Srh242

Is a difficult situation. . My daughter is two years old and I will like to protect her from this beast as much as possible. I don't want her to know about this stuff so young. Try to understand your mom and be thankful that she is still with you all this years . She is admirable and has suffered a lot. Blessings

Anonymous

Thank you for the support and words of advice. My mother told my sister today and I feel much better not keeping it from her, and being able to openly discuss at home.