a friend in need

traveler56

my son's good friend will be having surgery soon.  She has breast cancer and he has been spending a lot of time helping her out, supporting her emotionally, going with her to appointments.   My son has just graduated and now has a job to start next week. When he told her, (this means he can probably only visit on the weekends with her) she was very angry, told him he was "abandoning" her even though he has told her he would do as much as he could but he needed to take this job. She says she feels betrayed and feels he should not take this job .   He feels terrible and guilty.. He is 32 and has suffered with depression with many years, he did great in school and was happy and lucky to get a starting job.  She is with her family but from what I understand is not really comfortable with them as helping her.   I don't know the extent of their involvement.   

I know under the circumstances she is angry and scared, but my son is totally guilt ridden and asks me what I think. I know neither he nor I are responsible for all of her care, but we feel awful. I know she is sick, but does that make it ok to abuse a friend who is offering what he can? I can't advise him to now refuse the job as he is in debt to his ears from school.   There is not an option to take the two weeks off she wants him to stay with her and keep the job.   (He also was not really comfortable in providing any personal care) I have reached out to organizations in the area to see if they can offer support, and have given her this information, but I don't believe she is open to that.      Does anyone have any thoughts?   

chrissyb

Hi Traveller and welcome to BCO.  Your son has been a very loving friend but now is the time for him to take care of himself.......make sure he takes that job.  

Having BC can be devastating but it is no excuse to make someone else responsible for your well being for that is what she seems to be doing.  In getting information on support services available to her you have given her the opportunity to take responsibility for her own well being but now it is up to her.

Don't feel guilty and please don't let her make life even harder for your son.  We all need support but support does not mean giving up your life for another, it means being there when you can to do the little thing that are not possible to do yourself.  It sounds like she has become a clinging vine so she needs to look for other means of support.........and you have already given her those.

Good luck!

Love n hugs.    Chrissy

edwards750

Chrissy nailed it...totally agree with her...diane

traveler56

Thank you both.  Again, my heart goes out to this person but I agree with both your weighing in.  Since it is my son, of course, I may be biased so just trying to validate what seems to make perfect sense.

PS-- my dx information seems to no longer appear -- I was dx and treated for DCIS in 2008, and found this site to be the BEST and most useful.    I was done with TAmox after 3 years (and falling asleep at red lights) and so far so good, no issues.   

Holeinone

traveler56,

Sorry that you & your son has been put in this spot. She is being manipulative. I would hope that she gets some advice, listens and continues to have a friendship with your son. I would not ask that of my hubby, good jobs are hard to come by & she needs to understand that, respect that and learn that friendship goes both ways...

chrissyb

Traveler to make your dx visible go to your profile page and click on 'public' in the security section then your dx will appear.

Glad you are doing well after your brush with BC, it's always good to hear.

Love n hugs.   Chrissy