Small rant re: "How are you doing?"

CeciliaVera

I think you will understand this.  Why do people ask how we are doing and then interrupt us mid-answer to (a) tell us how we should be feeling (b) tell us about their aunt/sister/wife, etc. (c) tell us it's not so bad (d) just change the subject?

I acknowledge that not everyone knows what to say or what to ask.  Heck, I can't even keep up with my OWN moods and opinions let alone expect someone else to know how/when/whether to check on me!  I just wish that if someone is bothering to ask, they would listen to my answer, even for 10 seconds.  Even 2 seconds!

I'm at what I'm finding to be a very difficult point in my situation, and I feel that I have no one to confide in.  It's a very lonely feeling.  

Thanks for reading this.  Also: How are YOU doing?  Truly?  I will listen to your answer. 

mdg

Ha!  I am fine but it has been three years since my DX.  I gave my family and friends rules about what to talk about and ask....seriously!  I could not help it.  I banned all stories about anyone with cancer....even if they lived to be 100!  People that are not going through this just don't get it!!!  It is a very lonely feeling.....I completely understand!    Just know you can vent and chat here with others that DO "get it".   How are you doing really??? (from one BC sister to another.....)

LKSHER

I understand. I can see the 'Oh, there she is (with the pouty face or the way too eager breathing hard look people get) from a mile away.  It means someone is about to make a bee-line toward me (and usually one or both of my kids) to tell me they are praying for me and ask me how I am feeeeeeling, or talk about my freaking hair.  I absolutely hate it.  I wish I could erase everyone's memory including my own.  I wish everyone would just treat me like me.  When they say they are praying for me, it makes me feel like they think I am going to die and it reminds me of EVERYTHING I am afraid of and EVERYTHING I have been through.  Then, they always glance at my chest.  It breaks my heart.  I am waiting for my exchange in late March and my expanders are way far apart and look weird.  I wear a scarf everyday.  I guess that's one reason to be thankful for the cold.

I did extensive and aggressive treatment that ended with an oopherectomy in October, but I finished treatment in September.  Why are they still praying?  Why is this still all people associate with me?  I think most uninformed people believe that because I was "stage 3", that it's just a short matter of time before I die, so I get that whole pity thing with the 'wow you look amazing for a dying person attitude and the you are so strong to smile even though you know you're going to die' twist.

I want to scream "LEAVE ME AND MY CHILDREN ALONE AND GO AWAY!!!" (using stronger language), but I am almost always gracious and smiley.  I do say quickly that I am fine and have been fine the whole time and then I keep the subject changed.

I think about moving because I know everyone in our city.  I consider hypnosis to make me feel better about this.

It's so strange because I wish my husband would be much MORE sweet, loving, protective, and nurturing but I wish everyone else would shut the hell up and forget about this.

Counseling is not helping me with these feelings.  

It's nice to not feel all alone when I see I am not the only one annoyed with those who just don't get it.

FLtricia

I had the good fortune of being diagnosed with new primary in other breast after 6 years.  Everyone had settled down and was treating me as a normal, healthy person.  I finished treatment in August, and one of my sisters will not let it go.  "How is your strength?  Were you able to do...(you fill in blank)?"  Saying I feel fine has no effect.

I am almost to the place of showing her my frustration with her negative attitude. I just want to go on with my life and not let cancer take any more of my time than necessary.

People mean well, but they have no clue.  This is something you can't grasp until it happens to you.  My mother was diagnosed 12 years before me and I thought I was understanding what she was going through, but I was wrong... I had no clue either.

LKSHER

You are so right, Tricia.  I am sorry you had to do treatment twice and that your sister can't understand that you feel good and want to focus on other things, but I am also very glad you feel just fine.

CeciliaVera

HI, mdg!  I like that you banned all cancer stories.  Why didn't I think of that?!  When I was pregnant with my son, I put up my hand when anyone started in with the horror stories, or the sleep-while-you-can, or the reasons natural childbirth would not work (it did).  I am going to learn a lot about guiding people's treatment ( no pun intended!) of me.

CeciliaVera

Hi, LKSHR.  I totally hear you on the chest glance!  When people first started to hear of my diagnosis, I got into the habit of telling them in a stage whisper, "In case you are wondering, it's the right side."

CeciliaVera

Hi, FLtricia--Sorry to hear of the new primary and that you're feeling frustrated with your sister, too.  You are right that no one can know what this is like until they go through it.  Grasping that fact should make me feel more patient with others, but somehow, it doesn't seem to work that way.

Blessings2011

CeciliaVera -

I wish I could remember word for word what I wrote on another forum, but it has to do with realizing that none of us knows how much time we have left on this earth, and I, for one, will no longer suffer fools needlessly.

In my experience, most people are not interested in any detailed medical information unless it pertains to them. "How are you doing?" is kind of a default question when you don't know what else to say.

And those who interrupt and divert the conversation to themselves never wanted to hear the answer in the first place.

If someone asks me how I am doing, then interrupts my answer, I just interrupt THEM and say "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you asked me how I was doing. Did you not want to let me answer?" And then proceed to stare at them intently.

Or if somehow my breast cancer experience turns into some dramatic response from them, my standard answer is "I'm sorry, but what part of this is about YOU?" And again, the unblinking stare.

I'm particularly fond of the expression "EXCUSE ME?" along with the icy stare.

Or there's the old Ann Landers/Dear Abby line: "If it were any of your business, you'd already know the answer to that."

I do give my loved ones a lot of leeway. Some of them are truly concerned, and just clumsy when it comes to using the right words. Every time that happens, it's a teachable moment.

I'm really not a horrible person!!! 

Thanks for listening!!! 

LKSHER

You are all awesome and I love reading how everyone handles things and feeling like somehow I am helping, too.

My family and some friends think I am a little too sensitive about all of this and I get reminded all the time that "everyone means well".  Yeah, okay....I know that, but come on!  

A friend suggested a T-shirt that reads, "Stay Tuned" to wear until my exchange for the chest glancers.  That made me laugh.

Then after, I could wear one that says, "So, waddya think?"

Blessings2011

Gosh... I just realized that EVERY person I've ever told about the breast cancer has automatically looked at my chest!!!

Funny what you don't notice until you do....