Heated argument with husband yesterday.....

tangandchris

Yesterday was my birthday, turning 40 and it turned to complete crap. The plan was that we would drop our 4 year old off at my parents mid-morning, run an errand and then just spend the day together. We NEEDED that!! Well, instead it turned into us fighting, yelling and all that fun stuff over the way DH has been acting the last couple of weeks. He's been great, supportive, strong, a good listener......up until a couple of weeks ago. I've been noticing a change, he comes home from work and he gets in bed, he's distant and grouchy. I know he's depressed and stressed out. I try to talk to him, he vents a little...but I still sense it all from him. He's a recovering addict, so that adds to all of this too. I'm worried that he's not talking to his sponser and that a relapse could happen with the stress of my cancer.

So, yesterday sucked and while we eventually talked it out last night, I'm still hurt and emotionally drained. My four year old heard us arguing, which just makes it that much worse. My faith in God is really on shakey ground right now too. I'm wondering how much more can we take and why does it seem that just when things are getting better, cancer is thrown into the mix.

anyway, I just needed to vent some and see if anyone has dealt with marriage issues in the midst of all of this. We have worked on our marriage for a year and have learned how to communicate much better. This argument feels like a huge setback, but maybe dh is right and this was just all the stress coming out...but at the wrong time since it was my bday. Oh the other thing is that DH has diabetes and he is NOT taking medication or eating right at all. I told him that I felt like this might have alot to do with his mood and energy level and I told him that he has a week to call the doctor or I'm doing it for him.

thanks for listening/reading!

geewhiz

Hi - Happy Birthday!

I am sorry it went south yesterday. Marriage is hard enough... add kids, addiction issues, bad diet..oh and cancer to it..well,  wow!!

I have 3 kids, and was 42 at diagnosis. My husband stopped taking care of himself, to take care of me and the kids when I wasn't able to. I think somewhere along the line, he forgot about himself. He would come home from an exhausting day at work and take it out on whomever was within earshot. We were walking on eggshells. As I got stronger and healthier, I had to ask him to take a look at himself. He was a workaholic. When he got home from work, the work didn't stop - he will do laundry when there isn't much dirty, mow the grass when it doesn't need it, go grocery shopping when the shelves are already groaning from stuff etc. I think they are so overwhelmed they do what they can to regain control of it.

I am trying to get my husband out of the house more. I'd like him to get into running again. He needs to develop a stronger social network. So maybe while your husband is throwing a blanket over his head and checking out...mine is checking out by becoming a whirling dervish of a cleaning crew. Trust me, it's nervewracking for all of us.

And I don't have it all together, or even remotely figured out and I am years out. I was at a basketball game yesterday and the new coach was making terrible errors. I loudly and bitchily huffed "This guy doesn't know a basketball from a football". All the parents around me took several scoots in their seats away looking at me wide-eyed. I felt awful. But I think your husband is right - sometimes its just the stress coming out. We just need to find other outlets that are a bit more constructive for that stress.

And know that God is with you. Through the dark. Through the light. And most especially in the times that you think you are alone. There is a warmth and a peace that I have found believing that He is in all of us, all of the time.

HUGS!!

LeanneF

Tangaandchris,

You are not alone. I had my mastectomy 2 weeks ago. My hubby has since withdrawn to our room, sitting there all day playing games on his cell phone. I have tried talking to him and he has exploded on me every time. Told me I should look for a realtor this week to sell the house. Great time for him to have a meltdown. I have no advice to offer you, but remember that God does love you and His love is the only love that will never fail you. God bless you. 

Leanne

ziggypop

I am not married but I can say that from what I have seen again and again, a major illness affects relationships big time (it's probably why they put that 'in sickness and in health' in the wedding vows - a huge stress is being put on the relationship). It's a lot for both people to deal with - in some ways the person who's not 'sick' gets hit with a lot & doesn't necessarily get the same kind of 'support' that a sick person does. It also seems that anniversaries and birthdays are prime time for things to come to a head. 

I've read many of your posts since you first came on these boards & somehow I think that you're going to get through all of this. Even in this post, it just seems like you're going to figure it out and solve problems and move forward. I don't know why it seems that way, it just does. I'm sorry you had a hard birthday instead of the very happy birthday that you deserve - get yourself a nice piece of cake and give your husband a kiss even if you're mad at him. You'll get there. ((hugs))

tangandchris

Thanks for the responses.......we are much better today. Thanks for the encouragment too, sometimes it just helps to put out there. I know this is hard for him, I have wondered at times what if this were the other way around and he had cancer? I'm not sure how I'd react or handle it.

Marriage is difficult enough at times w/o this damn disease.

Holeinone

tangandchris, happy belated 40th birthday...

Ziggypop nailed it, as always....good advice, glad to hear today was a better day..

Anonymous

Yes. I have been. I have no answers or advice for you. Just being here with you. I'm totally emotionally drained from it. My sis has worried that I'm not recovering from my diagnosis/surgeries/etc as I should be because of the resulting depression. 

Blessings2011

tangandchris - wishing you a belated happy birthday!!!! So sorry it didn't go the way you planned....

Yes. Our marriage was in a really rocky place when I got my BC dx. We had been struggling for years. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stay married. We hit rock bottom, and decided to give it one more shot. Then DH got sick, then I got the BC dx. Life pretty much sucked.

But by the time I got my dx, we had already started counseling... and attending church regularly... and reaching out for help. We asked for prayers for our health and for our marriage. 

We met with professional therapists who not only could guide us in our marriage, but who were used to working with people who had life-threatening illnesses. We had to learn to communicate in a whole new way.

It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. By the time I had my BMX and recon, DH was ready to step up. 

You have a lot on your plate. I always suggest counseling to women who are struggling with their BC issues, and from your siggie line, yours have been recent! You also have a lot of other stuff to deal with (DH's addiction issues, diabetes), and if trying to fix things by yourselves isn't working, it's time to let someone help you. 

If DH doesn't want to go, YOU go. (I'm kind of an evangelist for counseling... I am a retired counselor; but I still needed to see a professional for my own issues.)

Keeping you in my prayers for better days ahead!

p.s. DH turned out to be my biggest supporter once we got on solid ground. Our marriage is stronger today than it ever has been.