Top Ten Things not to say or do (my pet peeves)

Jodi040812

I posted the following at 4:30 am in my FB status,   It was straight off the top of my head.  People have been responding like crazy to it.  Saying thanks for someone finally saying it.  So, I thought it might be appropriate here too.  For us, I hope it gives you a smile!  

Advice- warning not usual upbeat from me:) Read on if you want a real lesson on how to deal with people facing life threatening diseases, accidents, or situations. I think some people might benefit from my experience so far in what I have heard or overheard people TRYING to help say:). I am trying to be blunt, but you know me- you will probably laugh at these because you will hear my voice saying it:). My personal top ten in no order just random thoughts in my brain.

1. Do not bring up the fact that we could all go at anytime. Yes, technically that is true, but are you waking up everyday with the Grimm shadow over your shoulder? No, if you went, you would be blissfully unaware. Unfortunately, this is not the same. Don't say it. It only makes us see red.

2. Do not reference your great flu of 2008 and how you overcame it. It is not the same even if you were hospitalized for dehydration.

3. Do not bring up anything you read or saw on the internet, Dr. Oz, or the Doctors type shows. These things are either not true or they are paid to say them. Seriously, people in my situation have a specialist team of doctors already who are not on tv.

4. Do not ignore or down play what is happening. The "aw they'll be alright". As I believe this for myself, trust me I see people everyday at MDA who are not "alright" however their friend sitting next to them is acting like this is a trip to a mall. Warning- I could also have a bad day lol. So I guess it is safe never to say this quote directly to me lol. I might go all kaboom if it was a frustrating day!

5. PRAY. Tell them you are praying and do it. This is the most inspirational thing you can do at all. We feel it-

Trust me!

That should have been first but I was thinking of what not to do lol;)

6. If and only if you have personally faced the Mortality Mountain, share your story with your friend. I said you. Not your great aunt twice removed on your father's side. If you were in a situation where the odds were not in your favor of being on the Earth much longer- share it. That is very uplifting. I look at my dad who has faced this mountain too many times to count and has spike a victory flag on top of it each time. I have his blood. But, free climbing this kind of mountain is scary and dangerous- Only professional advice needed apply.

7. Watch over their loved ones, especially if they have children. Make sure not to have any conversations that those little ears can over hear that might frighten them. They know what is happening. They don't need more anxiety accidental overhearing something that Oprah said about what their parent is going through. be upbeat a distraction. Do not ask how their parent is. If they want to talk about them, listen. I mean really listen. Stop what you are doing and listen because for a child to start to talk about parent in a situation is big. You are having a moment with them. And they trust you so listen.

8. I guess you should check on the spouse. Probably. Lol! They won't talk like the kids (if they are male), but listen if they do. If Spouse if female,

Be there because she is gonna want to talk a lot about what is happening all the way around;)

9. Do not expect personalized thank you notes. I wish I could sit down and write them. First, medication does not allow me to remember many that came and helped the first few weeks. Second, there is just so many at any given time to thank. Know in your heart that it is appreciated whatever was done, and it made a difference that day for that family. These situations all southern grace is thrown out the window. We are in survival

Mode. Do accept a wide thank you that is sent out by family, email, or a FB post.

Side note- personally I wish I could do this, but someone would get forgotten and we all know what would happen if one got a card and one did not!!  Just know you all are loved and appreciated dearly.

10. Specifically for women in head trauma or cancer:

HAIR. Do not ask when it will come back, how it will come back or "are you going to lose your hair?". We are fighting for our life people. It is just hair. That is what hats and wigs are for- let it be.

Sidenote- personally, you know I will rock any wig any color anytime. However, I overheard this conversation on the chemo floor and it bugged me. A wife of a patient was bothering a female patient about her hair. Did it come back the same color,

Texture etc. The patient was annoyed but politely answered. Then the lady goes on to talk about her niece who had breast cancer. And how her hair came back etc.

It was at that moment I knew I needed to write this post. I needed at least my friends and family to not be the idiot in a hospital heckling other patients or their loved one lol.

I hope this helped. I hope you weren't offended and if you were: you are guilty of something on my top ten! Insomnia has given me the time to finally write this out. Round four today: hoping not to overhear more! If I do, I'll let you know. I should start a list of dumb things said at MDA:).

Just Keep Swimming!!

J9W

GREAT Post. 

Moderators

Well said, Jodi! Thanks for sharing your perspective!!!

Warrior_Woman

1. Thank you for sending me the books and articles about curing cancer through a special formula of rare berries found only in the caves of New Guinea.  I don't have enough Oncology Journals to read and this new information you've provided will certainly be the missing piece that the American Medical Association has missed.  

2. If you tell me to call if I need something don't be surprised and "busy" when I do.

3. Do not give out my phone number to other women who have breast cancer and have them call me.  It's awkward and weird.  

4. Try to stop looking at my breasts to see if anything looks different.  If you're curious about my surgery just ask and I'll give you the gory details.  

5. Thank you for telling me about your mother, sister, friend who went through this and is doing well.  It gives me hope.  

6. Thank you for being one of the people who really reached out to me to lend support.  How people handle these most critical life events makes all the difference to our relationship and how one is perceived for evermore.  I will always remember your kindness at a time it was needed the most.