A little vent

LydiaR

Hello everybody,

lately I have been very depressed and I just needed to share my story with somebody that would understand and not just say things like "god doesn't put you in a situation you can't handle". So here it goes...

I'm 24 years old and from Germany and moved to the US about a year ago for the love of my life. We got married on July 3rd 2013, on July 8th 2013 we found out we are having a baby and about a month later I was diagnosed with inflammatory breastcancer. By now I'm 7 months pregnant and just finished my first round of Chemotherapy and I'm about to start a weekly Taxol treatment until my baby is born. After that I'm facing a mastectomy, reconstruction and radiation. 

My husband has been there physically every step of the way, which I really appreciate but emotionally I feel very alone because I can't talk to him about how much this diagnosis hurts me. In fact, I feel that I can't talk to anybody, so whenever someone asks me how I'm doing my responds is ALWAYS "I'm fine" with a big smile on my face. People that are not in this situation just can't understand how you are really feeling. They will feel bad for you and they will feel sorry for you but they don't understand the fear. I'm also really tired of the phrase "God doesn't put you in a situation you can't handle." Yes, for whatever reason he did allow this to happen and no, I can't handle it. I'm an emotional wreck and it's starting to hurt my marriage. 

Thank God I haven't had any major side effects from the chemo besides the loss of my hair. First I was joking about it and saying things like "I don't have to shave my legs anymore" but now I can't even look into the mirror without crying. Haircut like a little boy, no eyebrows and no eyelashes and I feel like a monster. How can my husband love me like that? Then I see all the women around me and on TV with their nice hair and breasts and automatically get jealous.

When you get married you vow that you are going to be there in sickness and health but when you say those words do you think that sickness starts a month after getting married? No! You think you have plenty of time and then reality hits you and shows you that you don't have time at all. 

I'm scared that I won't get to see my son grow up. I want to see him make his first steps and say his first word, his first day of school and his graduation. I'm scared that my husband eventually gets tired of dealing with this and looks for what he deserves somewhere else. I'm scared that I won't get to see my family in Germany again. And I'm scared that I won't be able to reach my career goals. 

I know I'm not the only one feeling like this and living with this fear and I would really like to know how other people deal with it. 

Thank you for any responds. 

MereMere

I know how you feel.  I went to the doc for a physical and to discuss pregnancy options.  My partner and I were going to start trying to get pregnant.  I am 32 and couldn't wait another moment.  They found my cancer in a baseline mammogram. 

Nobody really understands how you feel unless you are going thru the same type thing.  It is great that we have this site to vent and compare experiences.  I found that talking with other ladies on here has helped some but I am still lacking a personal connection.  I found a few local support groups thru some cancer clinics and am trying to work it into my schedule.  Maybe that will help.  

I truly pray that you will find peace in your heart and you and baby will grow strong thru this.  

mdg

I first want to send a big, warm cyber hug.....  I am so sorry you have to endure this especially at such a young age.   You have had so much going on the last several months - more than anyone should have to go through.  I think all of your fears are things many of us have felt.  I can relate to a lot of what you say.  I told my husband "you didn't sign up for this...I am ruining your life" more than once.  He never waivered.  Just remember that this part is temporary.  You will get back to some type of normal life again in time. I did not have IBC so things may not be exactly the same, but I did do chemo and reconstruction with BMX.  I can tell you that I am three years out from my DX and life is good.  I am happy.  My son was 4 when I was dx and now he is 7.  The year I went through all of this was hell.  You do turn a corner after that year though....

I wish I had better things to say.....or that I could take away some of this for you. 

I agree that other people don't "get it" so it's easier to say you are fine.   Have you looked into finding a local support group?  I have several very close friends that I met here on BC.org that I talk to all the time.  I could not have gotten through this without them.  I would see if you can find a local support group just so you have a place to talk about this with others that understand.

LydiaR

It's very hard to stay positive while going through this. It's hard to actually believe that I'm going to survive it. Because just a couple of months ago I didn't believe that I could have cancer, especially not at this age. I have tried to talk to my husband but he just gets frustrated with my negativity and I told him that I don't need him to give me advice or find a solutions for me. When I cry, I just need a hug. I just don't want to feel like I'm alone anymore. It's not his fault that I feel this way but I think thats what he believes.

thank you ladies for your kind words.

Debwarrior

hi Lydia,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are dealing with this at such a young age. I was older but at 35 I was newly married, newly pregnant and also diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. My husband stuck with me through thick and thin and our marriage survived and thrived as did I. My daughter is now 15 and I have a son, 10, even though they told me I was in menopause in my thirties from chemo.  It is scary but hang in there, your family will help you get through this and time will make things better. But I feel for you. A support group for younger women may help. It helped me. You are not alone and you don't need to be positive all the time.  You may want to google Barbara Ehrenreich's story on positive thinking and breast cancer.