Is there LOVE after bc dx

kaza

Hi to all very special ladies .....i was wondering if anyone else feels the way i do.      Due to things said, hurtfull actions at time of dx by my partner, i am not able to let him get near me, like there is a huge wall which i cannot break down. I know there is deep seated hurt, we are friends we live separately, but i feel i need more than this sometimes. Would love to have a proper relationship to share and care. I feel perhaps i am asking too much, and should be happy with what i have. I know other ladies here have been through so much more than i, i should not be ranting.....love to you all ..kaza

JulieMI

kaza,

I understand you.  My H didn't support my treatment plan, I was hurt a lot.  But we don't believe in divorce, so we forget and move on.  He loved to touch my breasts while sleeping. Now I am breastless, so he no longer touch me.  I miss the closeness.  I am thinking about reconstruction, but he is strongly against it, because he always think fake boobs are disgusting.  

Even though it's not ideal, we are still good partners in a stable relationship.  We still dream about growing old together.

I know he loves me and will stay by my side no matter what.  Hopefully, when we are older, boobs won't be so important.

Julie

kaza

Hi Julie, thank you for your reply,  

It is really hard when they are unable to support us, i know they have their own feelings, and hurts to deal with......i had LD reconstruction using my own body tissue and muscle which is more natural, after effects from this surgery, takes time to really heal, .

sending you hugs xx

gtgirl

I can relate some to your posts.  I live with my fiancé and I know he was going through emotions as well as myself when I was dx.  I feel when I was upset, my anxiety through the roof, wanting to be left alone, lashing out at him at times he would get mean and nasty as I put it.  I notice now, he is still this way at times.  I say "how can you be like this".  Sometimes I wonder if he truly truly cares down deep inside.  I am not ready to have sex and I know this pisses him off. 

flowergrl1960

Going through bc can be as empowering as it is dibilitating. It's hard to remember how brave and strong we are to have walked forward. I was in a relationship when I got my dx and went through bmx. My partner turned very paternal.  I didn't want to be coddled, I wanted to be cherished. It's a subtle distinction, but going through surgeries and recoveries and now dealing with lymphedema gave me the strength to work through what I really wanted and say what I needed.  Basically, this isn't about our partners and we shouldn't have to tiptoe around whatever issues they have with our dx and treatments.  Their task is to be unconditionally supportive and loving.  While dating after DIEP flap surgery (post relationship because I realized I didn't need another father) but before nipple reconstruction, I was rejected by someone because I didn't have nipples.  And again by someone who couldn't handle scars. These men  had expectation that I would accept their imperfections while making me responsible for their lack of acceptance.   I almost settled.  I almost caved in to feeling apologetic for decisions I made in the face of bc before I even knew these people.  But the strength I'm reluctant to admit I have reared up and made me push through and find the right man.  And the courage made it possible to tell him honestly what I needed, ask him outright if he was up for the challenge, and offer unconditional love and appreciation in return.  He's all of the things I need and I tell him that every day.  The hardest conversation to have with yourself is the one where you work through the worst that will happen by starting the conversation. Make it about you.

pipers_dream

Wow flowergirl, that was a very powerful post.  And Kaza, I'm sorry you went thru that with a partner but I think you just weeded one out and it would be better to be alone than to be with the wrong man.  Yeah, single here.  Had just started what looked to be a promising relationship--well sort of because the 5 hour distance was holding things up too.  But this just kind of killed it.  And yet he was just texting a few minutes ago so maybe it's not dead yet.  

saskie

Very nice post flowergirl!!  I found out after my right breast was removed that my husband has been cheating on me. (2009)  then in 2012 it metastasized to my spine and I lost use of my legs.  After a very big surgery, rods installed in my back, removal of a rib and a month stay in the hospital I was released from the hospital with a back and neck brace for 3 months.  He was not there to support me and friends told me he was seen elsewhere. So this year I told him to leave.  In the middle of Dec I met someone and my biggest fear was telling them I had breast cancer and my body covered in scars, no nipple on reconstructed side yet.  He is such a sweetheart and said if I can accept him for his flaws he can handle a few little scars.  So there is hope out there - we just have to keep looking.