Trying not to be resentful...

velle

I consider 2013 to be the worst year ever. I was diagnosed with DCIS in January, had a lumpectomy in March, and radiation April thru May. At my follow up mammo in Oct I was told I still had DCIS. Only other option was MX which took place on Dec 10.

One of my sorority sisters knew I had to have the MX when I told her in mid Nov. She said she was sorry to hear that and I didn't hear from her after that. Out of the blue this past friday, she sends me a text asking how I was doing. I told her I was recovering from surgery and doing well. At that point she called and asked why I didn't tell her I was having surgery because she wanted to be there. She then proceeded to tell me "you are making it difficult for me to be there for you".

I am pissed by her comment because I feel if she really wanted to "be there for me" she would have at least reached out to me sometime before the end of the year. My emotions are all over the map and she expects me to report to her on my status?? I dunno, am I missing something here or am I just "sensitive"?? (sigh)

Letlet

You are right to be pissed. No you are not just being sensitive. This is the time when it IS all about you when you recover from surgery, it's not about her. Going through this is a life changer and you begin to see the people around you clearly. Is this the kind of person you want in your life?

Moonflwr912

Hugs, velle! No. You are not missing a thing. And you may be extra sensitive. But so what! You've had a crap year. It sounds like your friend was hoping you'd be done when she called so she didn't have to do anything. And when you didn't fall for it tried to make you take the blame. Glad you didn't. Yes she should have called you.  So if she is important to you forgive her and go on with the friendship. If she is not important anymore, forgive her anyway ( for your sake, anger drags you down) just don't go out of your way for her. And remember any advice is worth what you paid for it.... LOL!   Much love, and may 2014 be a much better year! 

velle

Thank you ladies.  I'm glad I'm not insane.  This has been such a stressful time for me and I find that people are so full of shit!!  I wanted to scream at her and tell her if she really wanted to be there for me she would have!  I took the high road and just said "well the surgery took place and I am fine, there is nothing left to say". How dare she try to blame me?! How is she the victim all of a sudden??

Moonflwr912

I bet it wasn't all of a sudden. I bet if you look back on your friendship you will find that she did it a lot to you and others. But at the time you had more to give and let it go. Now when your energy is sapped you notice it was quite one sided.... Happy New Year. Don't start the new year by holding on to the anger. Let it go. You don't have to like her any more.  It's Alright to end a friendship that isn't reciprocal anymore. Much love. 

velle

Happy New Year.  You are right.  I need to let it go and not waste my energy on people who don't matter.

danawp

One of the first things I read when I was DX, was that having cancer changes relationships -- some for the better, some for the worse.  Well that could not have been truer.  I try to be less hurt by the ones that changed for the worse, and focus on the ones that changed for the better.  It's hard bc I am sensitive and things sting, but I do my best.   Good luck to you!

velle

That is so true danawp.  I am very sensitive and just can't believe how some people have treated me over the past year.  People I have known for many years.  Just very dismissive of my situation or completely stopped talking to me.  I think this last incident was the last straw...

Pattysmiles

my twin sister turned my diagnosis around and made it all about her.  Never inquired about me, my husband or my 3 kids.  Needless to say when she called whining I turned it back to her and said the doctor said I shouldn't be stressed and she was stressing me and I couldn't speak to her anymore.  It was the BEST thing I ever did.  Life has always been "woe is me" when she speaks.  I hope she has a bunch of other people in her life willing to listen to her whine about me.  I also told hubby to not ever tell her if I die.  I really don't need her theatrics at my funeral (well, not that I would know it!).

So, if you can find anything in the above story to place your friend on a scale of 1-10...1 meaning she wasn't "that bad" to 10 "what a selfish bitch" then you might be able to see about forgiving and moving on.  My twin is a 10 (well more like a 100!) so I don't see forgiveness any time soon, if ever.

Wishing you the best.

Pat

velle

Thank you for sharing Pattysmiles.  Your sister seems to be a piece of work.  I'm glad you found a way to "control" her.  My 'friend" does tend to be self absorbed and I am somewhat of an afterthought to her.  Forgiveness is hard for me but it's something I am working on.

Horse02

Hi velle,

Just want to reach out to say hi..and I can totally relate to the poor bedside manners of doctors as well as the so called friends all about them attitude. Yes, 2013 was a crapy year for me.. Like you, I had DCIS on my left, and had a UMX. Was wondering about your LD experience. How are you on the recovery front? How about symmetry and scars? Believe me, we are both in the sensitivity boat but I hope I can gradually move on..

velle

Hi Horse02,

I've basically become a hermit.  I don't bother talking to people unless it is my immediate family or my supportive friends.  Been home from work since Dec 10, but I go back to the office on the 13th.  No one there knows about this except for my bosses and HR.  I am officially annoyed by people.  :-)

Recovery has been ok so far.  I have my good and bad days.  The scar on my back is healing rather nicely but I still have surgical tape on the breasts (had a reduction/lift on the healthy side).   I get pain every now and then but nothing some Tylenol can't take care of.  I still have one drain remaining and that will be removed this Thursday.  The one thing I don't like is the big flap of skin under my arm (the nurse called it dog ears).  I feel like I have a permanent clutch purse under there!  They said they would take care of that in my follow up surgery in about 3 months.  Have you gotten reconstruction after your UX?

Horse02

Aren't we all hermits during this challenging process one point or the other:( 

Yes, I also had the lat flap. My surgery was the day before Thanksgiving and my two drains were out by day 12. Pain was not an issue in the first 2 wks. But I am 5 wks out still have tightness under my arm and back area.. It's just constantly not comfortable to say the least:(.. What exactly is the dog ear thing under arm? Is this the skin on the surface level or the muscle underneath? I have constant heavy pulling under arm and will start PT next wk. 

I hope you are feeling better once the last drain is out. I am so sorry we had to go through this but 2014 will not be crappy I hope. Take care! 

velle

The dog ear is like a fold of skin under my arm.  I'm a size 14 so I guess I had some excess skin and it's folded under there.  I hate it.  

Yeah, I experience that tightness as well, the muscle relaxers have helped with that.  I will be talking to my dr about PT as well.  Please let me know how that goes for you.  

It can only get better in 2014.  Now where but up!!

Moonflwr912

Hi Patty and Vella! Happy New Year. May 2014 treat you much better. 

Dog ears, Mud flaps, side boobage. All the Sam name for the excess skin under the arm on the side of the breast. My P'S took mine on the left when I went in to have a new TE. He took care of the right when I got my permanent squishies. I might  need a bit of revision though. 

And yes, I'd have to say that I was a hermit through my tx and surgeries as well. Of course my chemo SE was mostly the big D. That kinda meant I stayed home a lot. LOL

As to the pulling, a lot of it is internal healing. PT helps. 

Much love.