3 year anniversary n really depressed

snobuni

Last night my hubby said that he missed my sparkle... even when you seem happy, its different.  I spun into a depressed state and am struggling with my feelings. I feel different and am not the same. My father died 8/11 right after my double mastectomy. My mom died in 97 and I lost two siblings (years apart) to suicide.... yes two !!!... I am very introspective and have done my share of counseling.  I just want to SHOUT.. I am not the same.  I went through TX surrounded by friends and family (hubby and 26/28 yo sons). Since then seems like all of my friendships have crashed... probably cause I'm different. Guess, I just wonder if I'm so different from others????  After BC...is anyone the same????

Lily55

i miss my sparkle too, i have no joie de vivre.....but you at least have loving family around you.

DivineMrsM

No, you aren't different from others.  I don't think anyone is the same after bc.  I know after I married, I changed.  When I became a mom, I changed.  After my parents passed away within a year of each other, I changed.  That is the nature of life.  When I was first diagnosed, I told myself and others I wasn't going to change, but I did change.  I now embrace that change.  You have experienced much change and had some difficult issues to confront.  Please, respect yourself for that and even admire yourself for continuing to move forward after such difficult circumstances.  Be good to yourself.  You don't have to bend and shape who you are to please someone else.  

Once you accept those changes, try to add new things to your life.  I have used this diagnosis to push myself to do things I kept putting off, by traveling to places I always wanted to see, going to rock concerts and comedy shows and trying new experiences, new foods, new restaurants.  Before, I always played it safe.  Now I do less of things that bore me, less housework and yard work, and ask myself what do I really want to be doing?  If I feel like spending all evening reading a fabulous book, or hooked on a game on the ipad, I will do it.  I went out and bought new makeup.  I had my hair cut and colored differently.  Ask yourself what makes you happy, not your husband or your sons or someone else.  

snobuni

Thank you for responding.... I'm sooooo sad n really need support right now.... I was always an overachiever in everything n now just don't feel like being the life of the party or being smiley n when I do it seems forced. 

snobuni

Maybe we need a little glitter therapy... Just kidding... 

DivineMrsM

It's okay if you don't feel like being the life of the party.  You don't have to go around with a smile plastered on your face when that's not how you feel.  It takes SO much energy to be "up" like that all the time.  And it's not authentic, if you really don't mean it.  I know that I dialed back a lot on all those fake kind of perky attitudes.  When I did, what happened was that I found things that genuinely made me laugh.  I didn't laugh ALL the time, but when occasionally things struck me as funny, I really enjoyed the laughter.  When I heard something that truly interested me, or really surprised me, I had a sincere reaction to it, not something that I made up.  It feels much better.  It's more true to who I am, more authentic.  I have a sister who's still the over-reactor, still the rah rah cheerleader type, and frankly, it's old and boring.  I don't say anything, but I also don't feel the need to project that kind of insincere cheerfulness anymore.  

Look, your hubby just wants the easy way out, but I bet he's up to the challenge of trying a little harder to find what new things interest you these days, what makes your heart feel light, what gives you a belly laugh.

Ariom

Hello snobuni, I am sorry you are feeling this loss of identity, it is tough, but I think a feeling of being "different" is pretty universal for all of us. Feeling that fear , is so life changing because it is so "in your face". I know for me, it was a huge wake up call.  

I. like the DivineMrsM, have felt the shift, and have used it to my advantage. I am one of the very lucky ones who faced the fear and then had a very good result from final pathology, but in saying that, I will never be the same again.

I also agree that life's experiences change us, in many different ways.

I look at things differently now, as cliched as it may sound I never sweat the small stuff, and I don't push myself to please others, in the same way I did before. I allow myself to go with the feeling I have, if I don't want to do something that isn't really important, I simply, don't. I did have to force myself to "get with it" at first, but now it just comes naturally.

The revelation in all of this, is that everyone around me is enjoying this change too.

I know and understand your terrible feelings of loss, I too have lost both my parents, as an only child, it hit me very hard, and then my beautiful adopted son just 3 years ago. I truly thought I could never recover from that.

I am one who doesn't have trouble expressing my feelings, and my husband has been a wonderful sounding board for me. I was able to talk about everything I was feeling and he did his best to be a good listener. He confided that he feared I could have changed in a more negative way. He has faced enormous challenges because he is a quadriplegic, after a hang gliding accident when he was 20. I think just seeing his daily struggles also helped put my feelings into perspective. As he points out, it is important to grieve for your loss, and that is a part of the natural process, but it should be temporary.

I would say to you snobuni, it is a work in progress, getting through all this. It is new, it is scary, and sometimes it is hard to accept changes that are not of our own doing, but so often you'll find that if you relax and let it happen it's not so bad.

I reluctantly joined a BC group here in my small town, I say reluctantly because I really didn't want to make BC into a "Hobby" per se. I couldn't have been more wrong, it turned out to be the best thing I ever did for this Dx. It has made me some new and wonderful friends, given me some of the most fun outings, and allows me to be a part of a small community of women who all "Get It" there are a huge range of ages Dx and circumstances, but the support we give to each other is sensational. It is worth consideration. If you have the opportunity to join, or just visit with a BC group in your area you could be very pleasantly surprised. When we meet, BC is only discussed if there is a need or a question, it is never something we dwell upon, but it is a group like no other group or committee I have ever been a part of.  

I really didn't mean to write a novel here, and certainly don't want to sound preachy, but just to agree, along with TheDivineMrsM that you can use this experience to move forward, but you have to be kind to yourself.  

I wish you all things good and hope you can find a way to move forward. It sounds like you have a loving Husband and family who will support you. Take it easy! 

 

snobuni

The responses have been thoughtful n helped me get through another day. I t seems like the 1st year was fine because everyone came around and lifted me up. Right after big surgery I started having serious neck issues and that lasted almost two years.. so much pain... oh yeah then I fractured my shoulder. Physically I have just stopped hurting and I thought everything was gonna be normal but now my emotions are back to being out of whack. Did I mention I'm 48 and Chemo menapaused me.. i wonder how some people just move on ...

DivineMrsM

Be very good to yourself.  Practice tender loving care on yourself.  I was in my early 50s at diagnosis and went into menopause from the chemo, too.  Don't work harder trying to be some old version of you.  Instead, be smarter at writing, living a new chapter in your life. Make things easy on yourself because no one else will do that better than you.  Take shortcuts where and when you can. It may sound trivial, but watching funny shows, reading funny or inspirational books can help lift your spirits.  Don't just do it once.  You need a steady diet of this stuff. Sometimes my favorite way to change my mood is to crank up the car stereo and sing along to a great song while I'm driving down the road (by myself of course).  Other times, taking a walk, getting out into nature, checking out landscaping or scenery can lift a blue mood.  Take baby steps, and take it one day at a time.  I have learned to live much more in the moment, the here and now.

Holeinone

snobuni., love that name, so are you a skier, snow shoer, or winter lover?.....you are new to this website, at least it looks like it cause of the few posts....I just joined in early Nov..& it has helped me so much. Lots of the different threads the ladies check in each day, rant, talk about family, share recipes... There is something for everybody...I am still bald, no eyelashes, chronic fatigue....Just started rads...really do not know yet how I will feel in a year or two....but I know I will always miss the old me..I hate what this has done to my family...please shop around on the different threads...I post on the INSOMNIACS ....& some of the stage 3 lobular sites...

snobuni

I am a skier, that's how I fractured my shoulder....I really did well through TX n double mast w rebuild. I had complications from the rebuild.. DIEP- they used my tummy to rebuild.  I was in a recliner for over a month bc I couldn't roll over.  This exacerbated a neck issue and I was in extreme pain for almost two years. This has settled now and my emotions are flowing. I guess physical stuff takes presidence... 

ziggypop

Hi snobuni - I don't think that anybody just 'moves on' from a life-changing event - it may look like it from the outside - but in reality everybody has to learn ways to cope and none of us are unchanged (unless we are in complete denial - in which case we're still changed). Shortly before my diagnosis, I connected with an old college friend on FB. During chemo, I wrote to tell her what was going on (and why I was bald in pictures). turns out that she had been diagnosed with Parkinsons years before. Another friend had Lupus and another with Chron's. All of them 'seemed fine'. Life changes us. Talk to you husband. I think that sometimes we forget that the people who love us the most are going through this with us and as much as we can't figure it out - how much harder must it be for them to do so? I'm not saying that his response is the 'right' one. Just that none of us have a grip on this & we needto help eachother to get to an understanding and acceptance. And you will. ((hugs)))

Holeinone

Sno, I do worry about depression, but its not in my nature & I have so much I want to do, I have battled the anxiety nightmare when I was first dx, that has gotten better. I know the  lumpectomy route was way easier than what you dealt with..If I would of had any idea that I had so many nodes with cancer I probably would of insisted he cut the damn thing off...I assumed it would just be the sentinel node, that was biopsies first..

I had to have shoulder surgery about 8 years ago....so I can sympathize with your shoulder issues. Mine was a torn rotator cuff tendon tear....lots of competitive tennis...keep posting girl friend...we all have our good, bad & ugly days...I know it is a long bumpy road...

snobuni

Every time I read a post I cry... hurts so deep and I think the counsel I've had today has helped clarify some things.... still pretty cloudy but I'm starting to understand why I'm so sad. Thank you all so much. 

kmpod

Hi snobuni,

You sound like you're really hurting. I'm so glad you have a counselor available to you.

This is a thread that I think that you would find great comfort in reading. 

http://community.breastcancer.org/topic_post?forum...

I haven't posted on it but I do read it regularly, especially when I'm feeling shakier than I think I should be two years plus out. 

It helps to know that you aren't alone in your feelings.

ziggypop

Oh baby, it will be okay. You will be okay. Have a long and wonderful sleep cozied down under the covers. Tell that guy of yours that you love him, and love yourself up. Have wonderful dreams and wake up to some cinnamon toast and good coffee or tea.You have thousands and thousands of good moments left in this life. And, yes, more moments of sadness. But the good will outweigh the bad. So many wishes.   

snobuni

Slept pretty well n feeling better today.  I really appreciate the love. Times like this, a girl needs her mama. I'm pretty convinced thanks to this group that I'm OK .  Just needed some reassurance...! Happy New Years. RIP 2013. 

JulieMI

snobuni, 

I had depression before BC.  I have been on anti-depressant since my diagnose 17 months ago.  It made me real strong and happy.  I don't worry about things in life.  I am enjoying life like other people.  I would be a mess without the anti-depressant.

You may want to be on it.  It really helps.

snobuni

Well I crashed pretty hard last night.... arggg. Sitting in drs office waiting for Xrays on arm.. probably lymphodemia ..

Starting Effexor today along w estrogen cream and referral to psychologist.  I can do this.  right? Another journey or chapter if u will.. 

Holeinone

snobuni, thinking of you on this first Friday night of 2014...my hubby & friends are out, having a drink and then some are going on to listen to live music. I am home in the recliner, this is what this crummy disease does to us...I hope your appts. Went well today & you are in a better place...

ziggypop

Holeinone - Sorry that you are stuck at home. Sometimes I think back to all those times, though, when I went out & pretended to have a good time & really would have rather been home in a recliner. : ) 

Sucks not to have the choice. 

Holeinone

thx. Ziggypop, just having a small pity party...this too shall pass, just not quick enough for me...

ziggypop

Holeinone - nothing wrong with a little pity party - hope you're sipping some fine wine or at least have decent pain meds. : ) I'll come to your next pity party if you'll come to mine. I have 'em at least once a week - and I throw a good one too. 

Jayaytea

snobunni, hi, I'm somewhat new to this site.  My DX was a year ago and landed in a desperately low place 4 months after my UMX. I was prescribed an antidepressant and it was like someone opened the blinds.  I've stayed on it so it's been 6 months.  I was thinking of weaning myself off it, but every now and then, I feel a panic rise up inside, so I go on refilling my rx. I'm so glad that I discussed my emotions with my ON and recommend you talk to a phys about your emotions, too. You don't have to feel this way.  Best of luck to you.

Claire_in_Seattle

PLUS.....there is no skiing to be had this year.  I am hopeful that I can get to Mount Rainier tomorrow.  Was too beat today, so did a bicycle ride in the lowlands.  Was just glorious.  The days are getting brighter.

Hang in there Sno....better days ahead.  EVERYONE I know here is larger post holidays (unless they were down with the crud).

Try to get outside in the sunshine tomorrow and at least do a long walk.  You will feel better.  Promise. - Claire

Holeinone

So true Claire, I always feel better after being outside, even if it a short walk, I miss being as active as I was before dx & tx, but that will change soon..

Ziggypop, would love to get together for a Friday night pity party. We would have lots of giggles & co-misery.. 

snobuni

I went to my primary Dr on Friday n he prescribed Effexor. Been on it for a couple days but nauseous n light-headed.... Hoping it will go away in a couple days. 

ziggypop

Hey snobuni - I hope the effexor helps, I'm on it too, mostly to control the Tamoxifen induced hot flashes, it made me a little queasy for the first couple weeks. One thing to know is that once you are taking it, you don't want to miss a dose. It does have nasty withdrawal symptoms that can set in even with one missed dose (when and if you decide to come off of it they can give you something else for a week or two that controls those symptoms as you ease off the effexor). Be gentle with yourself. 

I'm sending you hugs. 

snobuni

I'm a warrier! Started the Effexor Friday night, 37.5 twice a day. Have 2 cut the morning dose in half to go to work bc it still makes me a bit nauseous... kinda like chemo....hoping to be at full dose by Monday.  I am committed to living better (even if its through chemicals).. and everything Ive read about this is positive seeing how it works both the Serotonin n Norephephrine... good stuff but takes a bit to adjust n you cant miss a dose... Got my Premarin today (damn its expensive) so hoping that will help with the sexual dysfunction!   AND... I  met with a Livestrong coordinator at the YWCA . They have a 12 week program for survivors helping them get physically fit. I was working towards sprint triathlons n 5ks when I was diagnosed. Haven't been in a gym in three years. Anyhow... just trying to sow some seeds.  I know it takes a while to see them sprout.... Just wanted to share my progress...

DivineMrsM

Ah, the snobuni warrior...wonderful!  You have a new course of action.  It is great to hear.  Yes, "better living through chemistry".  My oncologist told me that is one of their favorite expressions, and I agree.  I couldn't function without taking anti anxiety medicine.  I'm very happy to hear that you're doing things to move yourself forward and wish you the best of luck.

snobuni

You truly are Divine! Thank u for the support!