Not sure where to post this....

tangandchris

Tonight dh and I watched "Star Trek into Darkness", seemed like a good choice, I'm a Star Trek fan and it should have been a good distraction. Well, I found myself getting so upset by a death scene that I almost went in the other room. A couple of times this happened while watching the movie. After the movie I got on my lap top and pulled up yahoo and there the first thing I see is a list of stars that died in 2013. IDK, I just felt like for a few minutes that I couldn't get away from death. I never thought much about dying before this dx, but now I realize that it is a possibility I could die from this and it just overwhelms me. I start thinking about my kids, my dh....everything. I feel so morbid posting this, and I'm sorry. I just had to get it off my chest. I told dh, cried some and he hugged me said I was going to be okay. But, he doesn't really understand how deeply this hurts.

 

I'm going to my PCP hopefully Monday to see about changing my dose or actual medication (anti-deppresants) because I feel depressed. But, how could I not be, ya know? lol....I laugh because that is how I cope, but deep down I'm hurting. I'm scared, don't want to do chemo and radiation. I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel. I just wish I could go back and change all of this somehow.

thanks for listening/reading......I love you ladies on here. I come here everyday/night and get so much from ya'll.

mrenee68

tangandchris- there are many of us who have been where you are. I think getting a reality check in the form of BC tends to do a number on our emotions. Everything becomes very personal. We just need to give ourselves time and take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, second by second. You are entitled to your emotions, cry if you need to it will make you feel better. Be kind to yourself and try not to put too many expectations on how things should be, that never works. This to shall pass, but it is going to take time. ((Hugs))

ziggypop

tangandchris - Don't feel morbid about posting. It's good, I think, to have a place to talk about how we feel. I have been thinking a lot lately about how there is the physical side of this and then there is the whole 'other' side. We spend a lot of money and time treating the physical side, but really that's only a part of it & we are left on our own somewhat to figure out how to deal with the crashing emotions. This is hard. We go from having this life which is all of the sudden upended. I read the other day that about 30% of breast cancer patients have PTSD in the first month or so from diagnosis. And of course the possibility that we could die from this scares the hell out of us - maybe that is what allows us to go through the treatments no matter how scary they may be. My father was dying of cancer when I was diagnosed. I was taking care of him (and my mom who has dementia). he passed away one week after I completed rads. I had a hospital bed set up in the main room of my folks house which is like a dining room/living room combination. My aunt and uncle a a couple cousins were over for dinner and my brother was home when he died. In a way, I wish that we dealt with death more often that way - rather than behind closed doors or just in the movies. It was peaceful. I think he held on until I was done with treatments to make sure I was ok. 

We'll get through this. 

Holeinone

tang&chris, sorry you are struggling right now. It's a roller coaster, I chant to myself, you are going to live a long time...don't always believe it. I feel so much pressure from family to be strong. During chemo, some days I just focused on that day, keeping track of how much water I was drinking, watching stupid, mindless TV.   I think this first year after dx, has to be the challenge of our life...emotionally & physically..

tangandchris

Yes, It is a roller coaster....I'm feeling alot better today. Physically and emotionally! I almost felt "Normal" today. I love this forum because it allows me to vent and say things that I wouldn't be able to say to the people around me. I'm just going to take it a day at a time, I'm slowly coming to acceptance that I will just have to take it like that for right now.