Think I lost a budding friendship

lorreymom

I invited a friend to the Look Good Feel Better workshop.  She is a co-worker & I have been helping her with a rocky time in her marriage...now back on track.  She wanted to help me & has been trying to be supportive when I told her of my BC disgnosis.  She really wanted to go wig shopping with me.  That didn't work put, so I invited her to the LGFB workshop.  It didn't go as I thought.  First, there wasn't room at the table for guests, so the guests were asked to sit behind the patients on the couch.  No biggie, but it was awkward.  Then the brought out the box of goodies.  My friend made some comments, such as "you're so lucky", "if you don't want it, I'll take it", basically drooling over the products we got.  It made me uncomfortable.  So I joked and said "well, you have to get cancer to get one of these" & chuckled.  She seemed to have taken it ok and replied "yeah, no thanks" & chuckled.  Then the workshop started.  We haven't talked much since.  I asked if she wanted to go for coffee & she had some excuses not to.  Now nothing....

Have I lost this friendship so easily?  Should I care?  I should have just gone to the LGFB program alone! 

mrenee68

lorreymom - sorry to hear of your friendship woes. I think some people are just not equipped to deal with a sickness like cancer and all that entails. I had a good friend or so I thought, helped her through her husbands 3 deployments and then when she found out he had an affair. But when I needed her help, a kind word, or just someone to listen to me, she was no where to be found. It can happen so fast. So sorry. Hang in there, that doesn't sound like the friend that you need. ((Hugs))

rozem

sometimes people "out there" (not in cancerland) don't know how to act, what to say so they just detach.  Active treatment is especially hard because you are in the throws of all the awful emotional and physical stuff.  Many of my dear, close friends told me later they felt they put their foot in their mouths many times, and these are people who have known me since childhood.  For a casual friend it is even harder I would imagine.

when I went to the LGFB program here I met the nicest, sweetest girl around my age going through treatment.  Guess what - we are still great friends 2 years later - I don't think I could have made it without her.  My point is sometimes the only people who can help are those who truly understand because they have walked in your shoes

dogsandjogs

Some people just can't deal with illness. I think it is out of fear it will happen to them. But it is completely selfish IMO and I think you are better off without her

ziggypop

Hi lorrymom - I have noticed over the years that when people are having difficulties with their marriage or SO, they will 'latch on' to people who are willing to listen to every minutia of detail about what he did when going back sometimes 10 years into the past. I have been the 'latched onto' many, many times - listening for hours as the details are hashed and rehashed (becoming the new best bud for a while)  I have found that it is often the case that once whatever the issue it was has been resolved, that although the person on the other end may attempt to reciprocate - their efforts are often short lived - good intentions but without the follow-through. 

I don't know that this is the case here - but it doesn't sound like this woman is being supportive of you in the way that you were of her. I doubt that the workshop really had anything to do with it - if she was a good friend than an experience that awkward would be shrugged off as an awkward experience. She sounds a little needy and shallow maybe?   

lorreymom

thank you so much for your support.  You are all right.  It was an awkward situation from a new friend.  I shouldn't have such high expectations.   I think I need to just let this go and move on.  I will remain her friend, but at a different level in my mind.  While her intentions to support me may have been honest, she likely isn't capable of it or doesn't know how & is backing off. 

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!  It was bothering me...thinking I made some sort of social faux pas.  

rozem

lorreymom - im in Ontario (Toronto) too  PM me if you have any specific questions!

edwards750

Boy can I relate lorreymom. I have or now had a friend who I thought would be there when I needed her but I was wrong. Everything seemed to be always about her. She and her husband both had serious medical issues and my husband and I were there to help. I went with her to court when she needed support and took her to a nice pricey restaurant for her birthday to make it special because her husband who sleeps all day didn't have the inclination to buy her a gift or take her anywhere. I listened to her rants and to be fair she listened to mine too. I helped her out so she could get her tax refund. She was out of the country and husband was asleep...and not answering the phone or door. Had it not been for me and another person they would have lost their refund and on and on always taking never giving. I called her when I recently had a Tamoxifen scare; I thought I had a clot...fortunately I don't but I needed a pep talk to help alleviate my fears. All she could say in the few minutes she afford me was I probably had DVT. She doesn't have a MD but she just knew that's what it was. Instead of thanking us for an invitation to my son's college graduation she found fault with the invitation and to date has not even given him a card. That was the final straw. She started calling me a day later after I had the ultrasound to see if there was a clot. I sent her a text and told her pretty much what I have said here. My other friends think I need to overlook faults since we all have them and of course we do but there is something wrong with a friendship that is so one sided. I don't know what to say about your friend. The C word does scare people but we are still the same person only we have been dealt the C card. We didn't ask for it but we have to live with it. I don't talk about my BC except with my sister who also has it and my sister in law who is 5 years out from it and a friend who is a nurse at St. Jude who went through it too. She is doing fine. There is something to be said for befriending people who are in our shoes. Only then can they truly understand even though we know they care. I have chosen to move on too. Sorry for the long post. I guess you touched a nerve. Good luck. Diane

pipers_dream

I'm thinking from the OP that the people who ran the workshop did a poor job of it too--they could have done so much more to help the guests feel welcome and she may just be feeling uncomfortable about it and can't quite put her finger on why.  Maybe give it some time and then one more chance and then move on.  I've had so many things like this in my life, b/c I tend to be socially awkward, that I've just learned to let it go.