Surreal feeling...ever go away?

tangandchris

So, I was diagnosed on 10/24/13, my surgery was 11/27 and there are still times when I can't believe this is actually happening to me. Does this feeling ever go away? lol, I mean do you ever come to full terms with it? I don't know if I'm in some weird state of denial, or if this is just a process of acceptance for me. I know I am stage III and that is serious, but at times I think there is no way I could die from this...other times when I'm in complete fear and panic.

I'm posting alot lately on this site and I'm so thankful for it. I'm just trying to figure it all out still I suppose. I just never thought I'd be here, you know? I'm 39, no history of BC and no real history of cancer in my family. I never even did a self exam or had a mammogram prior to my diagnosis. I just happened to feel a lump in the bottom of my breast on afternoon in the shower....and 2 1/2 months later I've had a BIMX and TE's, waiting to start chemo. WTF??

Anyway, just here....just learning to live with this.

Holeinone

tangandchris, I am 3 months ahead of you..for the first month I would wake up & think I had a nightmare, which is what your life becomes. I am still in the WTF shock. I have tried to be tough especially around my kids ( young adults ). You are so young, that has to make this more difficult. I did not find this website until I was almost done with chemo, just last month. It has really helped me to be able to communicate with women going through treatment. Your friends & family, are wonderful, but they have no idea what distress you are experiencing. There will be a January chemo thread, or Feb. join those ladies and share your frustration, pain, and support each other. Good luck...

Kiss77

 "I know I am stage III and that is serious, but at times I think there is no way I could die from this...other times when I'm in complete fear and panic" - I feel the same. I hope it will get better one day. 

Momine

Tang, welcome, and, no, you are not alone, lol. I am 2 years out from surgery and doing really well, knock wood. Some days I completely forget the cancer, other days I am convinced that my demise is imminent. It does get better, though, as you go along.

fredntan

your dx date is my anniversary. lately it keeps getting getting in the way of cancer crap.

Cursing more helps I have found.

Yes you will get used to it. It will get better.

FUBC

tangandchris

Fredntan-I live in Royse City TX...one of my best friends is Arlington

I'm not sleeping well at all lately, I'm on anti-depressants and I even have some xanax left over from my initial panic attacks early on. I just don't want to use up my xanax until I "really" need it. Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that the worry and thinking is getting to me. Last night I tried to talk to my husband about my concern over our 4 year old. I felt like he was giving me the brush off and acting very detached. I told him as much, and he told me he wasn't detached and he was worried about me all the time. He just wanted me to be more positive....of course this made me feel guilty. lol, ugggg......this stuff is HARD girls.

Maybe I am getting depressed, not sure who to discuss this with the PS, the BS or what? lol

peacestrength

Tangandchris - bc is incrediably difficult to deal with - some days near unbearable. Talk to your MO about antidepressants.  Not sure about your dx or treatments because they are missing from your sig line - there are certian antidepressants that can be taken with chemo and Tamoxifen.  

I wish I was out further to be more of an encouragement but I too am in the thick of sadness and anger.   I need to check these boards often for hope.  

Momine - you give me hope almost everyday

Momine

Tang, that can be a real problem. My husband was great and a trooper, but he steadfastly refused to discuss a living will, for example. He couldn't deal. This place is a real sanity saver that way. Everyone here understands, everyone has been there, we all know that some days are not so great etc.

Talk to us. Get a counselor if necessary. I also sometimes had good luck talking to people who were friends but not that close. It was easier for them than it would have been for people very close to me.

Work out what YOU want. Forget the husband for now. Work out what is important to you in relation to your child. Then implement. There will be a lot of it that does not need your husband's involvement. You can inform him when it seems like a good time or it is needed for some reason. My kid is in college, but I arranged with my brother that he would step up for her, if I should keel over. It helped me to have that squared away.

Novagirl

tangandchris, I don't know if the feeling ever goes away. I was diagnosed in May 2013 at 31 with no family history either. I have been working and going through the motions. I think you have moments where you get scared and worry about if you will beat this and if this is this real then you quietly go back to operating in business as usual mode. I think the brain thinks of this as if it is happening to someone else but not you. I think that is how we get through it. At least, I think that's what's happening with my subconscious.

Holeinone

Tangandchris, my husband gets very edgy if I say anything about the cancer spreading, or have mets somewhere else. My son, I have to be the most positive, he has had the hardest time with this. My daughter is a social worker, I can actually have a conversation about the scary what ifs. You will learn who and how much you can be open & honest with. They just want life to be back to normal, as much as we do. So much of the time I feel like we need to suffer in silence, to protect our family & not bore our friends. What annoys me the most is when someone tells me how I feel. Wish I could be more warm & fuzzy, but the reality of stage 3 is very frightening. Chemo is hard, for most of us. Some do breeze thru it with minor complaints. Keep posting, it helps to be able to express ourselves..

tangandchris

I'm going to have to have another surgery this Thursday, 12/19. I have major skin necrosis going on my left side that needs to be corrected with a day surgery. I've been telling my PS for about a week now that I was worried about what was happening, I guess it finaly got to the point that he could no longer deny it was now an open wound.

BTW-I tried to fix my sig line...coudn't figure it out.

So, my husband for the most part has been great! He is my rock in alot of ways, but I do feel like if I get a little too down or emotional in front of him it scares him. I guess I can't blame him, I'd probably feel the same way if the shoe were on the other foot. I've got a call in to my church, they have a Stephen Ministry that provides some sort of counseling for people who've been thru traumatic life events. I'm hoping this might help me, we will see.

Here are my "stats" though

dx 10/24/12 DCIS right side 6/25 nodes BMX 11/27/13 with TE's

Unsure of when chemo will start, especially now with this new surgery being thrown in the mix. Was told chemo would likely be TAC, 6 rounds and radiation after.

 

Momine

Tang, check your path again. If you had 6 nodes, you must have had an invasive cancer, not just DCIS.

I am so sorry about the skin problem. I assume you had TEs?

tangandchris

You are right, it is invasive....all these terms are still new to me.

Holeinone

tangandchris, I am still learning, or trying to, all the terminology of breast cancer. I did not know what your necrosis was, looked it up. I hope today goes by quickly for you, and tomorrows procedure is successful. 

I am headed to my oncologist to have blood work and hopefully get on the schedule with the radiologist for radiation..I am so ready to get this started, really not very patient when it comes to all the waiting of cancer treatment. 

tangandchris

How did your chemo go Holeinone? I think I will be doing the same type that you went thru, how were your side effects?

wintersocks

Tang,

I feel exactly as you describe. I was in a meeting today and all I could think of was 'I have/had cancer' - then the feeling of shock began again...... 

Holeinone

tangandchris, I am done with chemo, I was getting blood work.. My white blood count was really low. Which is hugely disappointing cause I am almost 3 weeks since my last chemo. I did not get a Neulasta shot after my last chemo, they let your counts come back on there own. Well, I must be fighting something or have an infection...I do have a appt. tomorrow morning with the radiologist, & they will do another blood draw ( CBC )  on the day after x-mas...arrrg, 

Good Luck with your surgery...keep us posted...

SelenaWolf

Everything is coming at you so quickly right now that your mind- and emotions are scrambling to catch up.  For me, the first year post-diagnosis was about the physical aspects of cancer, i.e., surgery, treatment, and recovery; and the second year, my mind went "... what the hell just happened?..."  I felt very disconnected from the people around me and, sometimes, it felt like everything I had been through happened to someone else or was just a bad dream.

I'm two-and-a-half year's out now and, I have to admit, that I've only discovered peace- and acceptance about six months ago.  I no longer think about cancer all day long and I no longer obsess about recurrence.  It doesn't mean that I don't worry about it sometimes; it just means, that - with time - I managed to put it in perspective.

It will happen for you too, but it will take time.  You'll get there.  Just don't let anyone tell you you should be "... getting over it by now..."  You will come to terms with it when YOU are ready.

tangandchris

Well, I really think that finding out you have cancer trying to cope with that is like being dealt a traumtic blow that requires going thru a grieving process. The denial part of that process as well as the bargaining part have been especially hard for me to deal with. But, I also believe that this is a natural protective response to all of the trauma that we are dealing with.

I haven't had anyone tell me I should be getting over it, but I tell my self that in a way....more like a feeling that I should be coping with this better than I am. I'm hard on myself as it is anyway.

Thanks everyone

Momine

Tang, try not to be hard on yourself. It is a waste of time. Use this unhappy event to put yourself first. Make sure you feel as well as you possibly can. Make sure to laugh every day. Take a nap when you feel like it. Buy yourself pretty things . Let the rest slide. You have cancer, you are allowed If you feel a good cry coming on, go with it and get it out of your system, then move on.

I was in active treatment for almost a year, and I actually had a pretty good time for most of it.  It was a good lesson to find that it could be done, and I have tried to continue on in the same fashion.

jennyboog

I was 3 yrs out in July and still go through this from time to time.  It has gotten better but when I moved away from the constant fear then I felt like I was living a lie or in deniel or even somehow I wasn't going to be prepared when it did return.  It will get better, its very new for you still.  I was just a "numb basketcase" the first few months.  Wishing you peace and the best as you finish up tx.

momand2kids

Hi

it will go away--it is just too early for you right now--- I am 5 years out--- don't think about it too much.  Did everything I could at the time to insure that I would not have to do this again..... then I had to just consider myself cured--- and know that if it ever did come back, I would know who to call and what to do..... The past 5 years have been good ones--- my life is normal again (those first 6 months of bc are like living on another planet).  I can remember sitting in a meeting one day and thinking "I am someone who is about to start chemotherapy"  or weeks later, in another meeting, thinking "I am someone who is wearing a wig"..... so surreal.....

But, it passes.  It really does.  I fully expect to live a good long life in which I will drive my children crazy, hopefully laugh every day and do fulfilling work...... 

You will get there.. be patient with yourself and don't be afraid of the anti anxiety meds...they can really help when you just don't know what to do..... 

Peace---- celebrate the end of your treatment and beginning of the rest of your life!!!

Daninayd

I was diagnosed in early May of 2013. I had my bilateral nipple-sparing mastectomy in June. I am still going through the reconstruction process. I had my permanent exchange in October but the ps had to excise the right nippple and areola during the surgery due to DCIS found after the patology was done. I had my areola reconstructed with skin graft and the graft struggled to survive. It was purple for 10 days. Now, two months after the exchange, I am dealing with 1 cm diameter scab (skin necrosis). It is healing very slowly, there are time when I feel so discouraged.

After the initial diagnose, both my husband and I were crying. I felt like a robot going from test to test, from biopsy to another biopsy. My husband is a physician and I caught him staying in his car in the garage and crying. He was a mess for about two months. I was trying to be stronger for him. He took it very hard, when my scans showed 2 cm lesion on my illiac bone. We were worried about stage 4 prognosis. The plan is now to wait and see if the lesion changes in three months.

I have sad moments, moments of disbelief and anger but it is getting better with every week. I think that once the body is fully recovered after all of the surgeries and chemo, a person can move on and put the illness behind. I already started to plan my vacation to Barcelona in March of 2014, which makes me think that I overcome the psychological trauma after the brutal surgeries and treatment.