uncomfortable to let husband see me since double mastectomy

coffeelatte

I was just wondering if any one else has gone through this? I have a wonderful loving husband who is just glad I am through cancer treatment. However, I can see a look in his eyes, when I accidently let him see me, that says "oh my gosh" my wife is very different now. I am doing well physically but I wonder if I should have had reconstruction. I don't want to do it because it is more surgery, but I wonder if the ladies who choose to go through it feel better about themselves. I feel great in clothes and I love my little foobs. I just can't seem to get dressed anywhere else but inside my closet when my husband is elsewhere. I also noticed I do not tend to shower unless he has left for work or is out of the house to run and errand. Any thoughts or advice?

sandcastle

I, myself do not have a problem of him seeing me.....I had a mx with failed reconstruction....so I did have to have a revision....I think it is more about US then them....I feel good.....but I also go braless....really do not care what others think....Liz

coffeelatte

Thanks Liz. I think my New Year's resolution is to work on my self image.

mdg

I had reconstruction and my surgeons did a great job.  My foobs look very real.  My husband likes the new foobs....I went a little bigger than my pre-surgery size.  I feel good about things but of course I would have rather not have gone through this and kept my small, original boobs.  It is more surgery, but for me it was worth it. 

edwards750

coffeelatte...I can understand how you feel. I didn't have a MX but I do now have a lopsided boob from the lumpectomy. I am self conscious like you are even in front of my husband. I know I am about more than just looks but still bugs me and if it does you maybe you should consider reconstruction. If I had had a mx I probably wouldn't have opted for reconstruction because I am not in my 30s or 40s. I did see a plastic surgeon early on b4 the surgery was decided and I gotta tell you the process sounded gruesome to me. Maybe too we ought to have a bit more faith in our spouses. diane

mrenee68

I had reconstruction and I still sometimes feel a little awkward naked a round my husband. He is not bothered in the least bit and says I look beautiful, so I guess it is just me and my thinking. I am hoping once I get my 3D tattoo that maybe I can get past this. Trust that your husband will be okay with the new your, both of you need time to adjust. Hang in there.

farmerlucy

cofeelatte - I had recon and I always wonder what it would be like not to have it, not to feel my pecs flex all the time. Through the recon process I made no effort to hide the new me from my husband. Sometimes I would catch hubby looking at me in what I intepreted to be "a wierd way". Now I understand that much of it was actually his own empathetic reaction to the trials I went through, or just harmless and meaningless curiousity.  

ProudMom_Wife

I had a BMX, and my DH saw my chest before I did because I needed help in the shower and had issues with seeing what I looked like at first. I had more of a hang up than he did. In fact when we started to get intimate again I would not go to bed without wearing something up top. When I finally got comfortable with my new physical appearance I was able to go completely naked in bed, this took time though, more than a year and a half to get to that point. Thankfully my DH was very patient and supportive. Before my BMX I was very busty and would have comments made about them (teased mercilessly throughout high school and college, and I won't even mention the comments when I was breast feeding). I was never really comfortable that they got so much attention. Now I feel liberated and much more comfortable with myself because I now believe people see me for me and not my breasts.

It takes time and you just need to take baby steps to get there. Talk with him and let him know how you are feeling. He probably does not know what he should be saying or doing to help you become more comfortable.

friendships

Despite having reconstruction, I relate to what you are saying, coffeelatte. I'm only 4 weeks out from having TEs exchanged for implants. The PS used clear tape across the incisions because of my allergies. The tape works great but you can see lots of dried blood through the tape. The nurse told me in order to minimize scarring to just let the tape naturally disintegrate. So, I look like I have giant, thick magic marker lines across my chest. I am very self conscious of the way they look and my husband has not seen them.

I straight up described them to him and asked if he wanted to see them or wait till they healed. He said he would rather wait which is fine with me. Consequently, when we have been together, I have worn a pretty camisole which has allowed me to totally forget about everything and be in the moment.

solsticegirl22

Hi Coffeelatte.....Can I ever relate to this and am so glad you brought up the topic. Due to multiple surgeries, nerve damage, and over radiation I'm not a candidate for reconstruction...so basically I'm stuck with two ugly scars across my chest. My husband has been wonderful throughout all my years of battling cancer and he wouldn't even let me try recon even if I could. He said I've suffered enough and it makes no difference to him. It's me! It's all me! I can't seem to believe that any partner would want this, let alone be turned on by this. I feel like 2 breasts short of a woman. I don't know about other woman, but in my case, my breasts were part of my love life and very much part of my identity as an attractive woman and I'm tired of others calling me vain or telling me "it doesn't matter". It did matter! A lot! And now overnight all of a sudden I have to accept that it doesn't? So I struggle with it in secret, ashamed that I feel this way and thank God to be alive and have my beautiful family. I try every day to believe that my husband loves me this way, but to be honest, I still haven't taken off the T-shirt in bed cause I'm terrified that it might freak him out. Two nights ago we watched a romantic comedy where the woman dropped her shirt and showed off a nice pair of breasts in a pretty lacy bra....I left the room so my husband wouldn't see me cry. How pathetic am I?

I realize this isn't even about him but about self-love. I think I still need to mourn my old self, ball my eyes out and feel the loss before I can come to terms with the new me. Maybe at that point, when I can accept "me" then I'll believe that my husband has all along. But honestly? I'm not quite there yet.

coffeelatte

I so appreciate all the comments from the posts. I am so glad I got up the courage to write about this issue. I don't feel so alone about this and I should have come here weeks ago. I have tried to talk to my husband, but he does not have the same perspective that I do. He says he is just so happy I am done with the treatment for now. Don't get me wrong, I feel the very same, but I struggle with the body image and intimacy part of things now.

I appreciate the post about taking baby steps. I need to remember I have come a long way in just four months. From the shock of the cancer diagnosis to being comfortable looking at myself in the mirror. I am really feeling pretty good about what I see, but when I think of letting my husband close, I lose all confidence. He was always a breast man and I use to be a 32DD; which was very appealing to him. I think Proudmom-wife expressed it so well. I do feel liberated to not be carrying around very heavy breasts, but my bust was sure a big part of my identity to others. Not to me so much; just more of a nuisance. But I am surprised at how uncomfortable I feel around him. Oh yes, when a sexy commercial comes on TV (Victoria Secret or even Hanes underwear), I feel a pit in my stomach. Another example, two weeks ago we were at his granddaughter's birthday party and my husband's ex-wife was there. She looked so nice all dressed up in a new dress with her body still in tack. I like her and we do just fine so this is the first time I have ever felt uncomfortable around her. She is five years older than me and I know I looked just fine, but I really felt a lump in my throat for an hour or so that day. If my husband had not been there too; I don't think I would have given it a second thought.

I think this whole ordeal has been a bit of a shock to both of us. When I was first home and my husband was trying to help me with my drains, he fainted. l felt so sorry for him, but it scared me to see how shaken he was. I know he looks at me now and is so glad I am alive, but I think I hide the scars because I don't want him to view me as sick or to feel sorry for me. I want him to still be attracted to me.

Oh, another thing I have taken to doing...sleeping on the couch most nights. I got into the habit after the surgery because it was easier to get up, but then I just kept doing it because it was easier than going to bed and being there. So weird isn't it. I guess it is a work in progress at this time.

mrenee68

Keep taking it one day at a time. This to shall pass, but you have to give it time, and yes I know easier said than done. I am also a work I progress. Some days I am okay with the new me and I have no problem letting my husband see me naked, but then there are other days I what for him to leave the room. When it comes to intimacy it's the same, some days good others days I cover up. We just need to keep moving forward and give ourselves time.

coffeelatte

Yes, one day at a time.  That sounds good to me.

Jayaytea

Good discussion.  I am 10 months post unilateral MX. My DH has been wonderful too.  We haven't been intimate more than twice since surgery, when I had immediate reconstruction.  I have to initiate because he would never push the issue.  The first time I chose a time when I was interested in sex, I texted him a photo of me when I looked , hmm, appealing, and invited him to turn off the tv and come to bed,  I put on a pretty bra so that I felt confident, and kept it on.  (Carrie on "sex and the city" always kept hers on!!!). One evening we were both getting ready for an event and as I was preoccupied, I didn't even think twice about changing in front of him.  All of a sudden I realized he was looking at me and I said, " well, that wasn't so hard!"  We hugged, bare-chested.  I cried, and we went to our event.  Sometimes, if we are cuddling, I take his hand and place it on my reconstructed breast.  I think it sends a signal to him that its okay to hold it, and helps us both get used to it.  I'm still a work in progress.  I had fat grafts this week, so now I'm too sore to be touched again!  It's all been hard.  I'm not as emotional as I used to be.  Good luck.

mnmbeck

thanks for starting this discussion.  My husband has been so helpful from the beginning.  I did do reconstruction (I'm in the process...8 weeks post BMX), but when they took those bandages off after surgery, I asked him to leave. He said he wouldn't....that we were in this together. I am so glad he did that, even though it was horrible at the time.  I felt so unattractive.  I didn't realize until that moment how much 'physical beauty' meant to me.  I felt like it was gone...and it's something I still struggle with.  I still change in the closet.  I have TE's, but they are bizarre and disfiguring in my opinion.  Being intimate is a "circus" as we say :-).  I can't have any pressure on my chest, and it is still uncomfortable for me to be flat on my back....I also don't feel good about leaning on my elbows.  The thing I can't get used to is the lack of feeling.  My breasts were a big deal to me when we were being intimate.  I still can't believe that is gone forever.  So, I guess there is mourning.  I guess, if I emerge from this with a new awareness of what is important (not physical beauty), then I will be a stronger, more confident woman for it.  But for now, it sure is hard.  I love coming here and seeing people on the other side...and they are OK!   So grateful for this site!

Blessings2011

coffelatte - yep, this whole process is definitely a "one day at a time" thing....

When I was dx'd, I knew I'd probably be having a BMX. I asked DH "How attached are you to my boobs?" His answer was "Well, they're really nice, but I'd rather have YOU..."

But here's the thing - even cancer-free, I really disliked the Original Girls. They were heavy, painful, lumpy, and drooped to my waist. I NEVER went topless around DH. EVER!

After my BMX, and while my TEs were still relatively uninflated, I felt free for the first time in about 20 years. Since DH had been to every appointment and every procedure with me, and had even emptied my drains for me, he was probably more familiar with my body than I was. It didn't bother him a bit that I had significant scars that hadn't even healed.

I walked around topless more after my surgery than I had in the past 20 years! I felt absolutely no self-consciousness about it, since even my surgically-removed breasts were better than the ones I was born with and was embarrassed about.

I did finish reconstruction, and intimacy does take time. But I have to say that DH is a happy man. He has his wife, healthy, and looking forward to the future.

JulieMI

So glad to find this topic.  When I found I had BC, all I wanted was to cut them off.  Husband wanted a lumpectomy. We fought and in the end I was told I had to have a unimastectomy.  He took care of the drain etc. so I was never shy around him.  Then I insisted to have the other breast removed 4 months ago.  Now I realize the big difference.  He used to play with my boobs during the sleep. Now he finds there is nothing to play, so we no longer stick together during sleep.  I really miss the intimacy of him touching me through the night.  We try to tangle our legs together during sleep, but it's just different without him wrap around me.

Sad.

Julie

Warrior_Woman

Every relationship is different.  I knew before I ever married that my husband was the type who could never see certain things.  He doesn't know I wax my lips and could never witness child birth.  And so, we decided from the beginning that he would not see me until my reconstruction is complete.  The sex is still great but I keep a top on.  This is what works for us.  

keno41

Julie, I had a double mastectomy with no reconstruction 4 years ago. My husband and I have been married for 32 years so are very close but things have never been the same since the surgery.I was not big to begin with, but my husband was definitley a boob man and that was a big part of our sex life.  It is all me,  I just don't feel comfortable and can't get past it. Lately I have been thinking about having reconstruction..don't want to  but think it might make my life with him  better..I think there are more people out there than you think that are going throught he same thing.

JulieMI

keno41,

I am also thinking about reconstruction lately, not now, but in a few years.  Husband is against it.  He has always said fake boobs are disgusting.  So if I do it, it will be for myself.  I doubt he will touch them since he dislike them so strongly.  BC took away things I can never recover.

Julie