Y'all would be so proud of me...

MelissaDallas

I just pm'd a woman I don't know on Facebook who commented on my best friend's post about her first chemo today that it was all about a positive attitude. I explained to her all the reasons that the comment is offensive and wrong.

SelenaWolf

You go, Girl!

sewingnut

Big thumbs up to you! Way to stick up for your friend.

Beesie

Good for you!

It will be interesting to see if you get any response, or if the woman deletes her original comment to your friend.

Bren-2007

I'm going to give that "positivity" woman the benefit of the doubt. She most likely meant well, BUT it was a very unintelligent comment to make. We all know being positive doesn't cure cancer, but it might help get through the ups and downs of treatment. When I was diagnosed my family was very uninformed about breast cancer. They would say all the wrong things and then I would have to patiently explain the reality to them.

Bren

ziggypop

You go girl! There isn't anything wrong with a positive attitude, it can make things easier, but we can't just snatch one out of the air & it is not going to cure our cancer. I'm sending you proud pats on the back - it's not easy to put ourselves out there like that.

MelissaDallas

We had a very nice and polite exchange. I knew she didn't mean it to be negative but I explained to her all the ways that this is the wrong thing to say. I tried really hard to not come across as an ass or hurt her feelings and I told her that I was saying it from the standpoint of someone who had cancer herself a couple of years ago.

ballet12

I just went to a talk given by Letty Cottin Pogrebin, who recently wrote a book entitled: "How to be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick." She is a writer and early feminist (original founder of MS magazine) who went through breast cancer treatment four years ago. She was surprised at some of the "bizarre" (her words) things that people said to her, as well as those comments and actions from friends which were "pitch perfect" (again her words). She decided to query the women and men in the waiting room, who were about to receive radiation at Memorial Sloan Kettering (as was she), about their experiences and feelings on this subject. She expanded the interviews to others (about 80 total), and included topics on talking with those who are dying as well as those who have just lost someone (including a chapter on losing children) and those with severe money problems/losses. I've just begun reading the book, but it does cover the comments that those who are ill, find either offensive or at least not helpful, as well as ways to be more focused on the needs of the individual who is dealing with the problems, be they cancer, other chronic illnesses, etc. I don't recommend or endorse everything she said, but I do like a lot of her thoughts (e.g. keep visits short--or don't visit if the person doesn't want it, etc.) It's a complex subject and we're all human. These kinds of situations bring up a lot of anxiety, and people either don't know what to say, or say something that belies their own fears.

MsPharoah

Oops! I guess I am going to be the "fly in the ointment" with this topic because I don't think it is necessary or kind to lecture well meaning people about what to say and not say to a cancer patient...most especially if they are strangers and the comments are not directed at me. The world is full of insensitive people, me included. It is also full of people who care, who are scared for us and are trying their best to be supportive, struggling to find the right words to say. I'm pretty sure that before we had cancer, we knew very little about the disease and probably conjured up a few dumb-a$$ comments ourselves. We should strive to find goodness in others and use the energy of our outrage to petition our lawmakers for more cancer research funding, to speak out loudly and often against pink-washing, and to find ways to support our fellow cancer patients with financial and emotional hardship. Just my opinion.

MsP

ziggypop

MsP - I think that most people really do want to help - but the person who should be of primary concern is the person who is going through the cancer (or really whatever else). Unless we help to educate people (in a gentle way) about what they can do or say that would be supportive (in the way that they probably want to be), then how will they know? Without knowing they may end up wondering why their friend who they are trying to be supportive of isn't responding to that support. Beesie said that she pmed this person, so she didn't put it out there in front of everybody & from all the posts I see Beesie make, she's exceptionally patient & explains things in a very rational and informed way. I'd want somebody to tell me if I was saying the wrong thing to someone else - and I would love it if somebody would tell some of my friends to stop suggesting alternative 'cures'.

MsPharoah

Ziggypop, that is certainly a point of view that has merit. As a cancer patient, I have received the most generous kindnesses, some elegantly delivered and some so very, very clumsy. I do understand that some people with cancer wouldn't accept a clumsy comment as support and turn away with anger and resentment. I just don't think we have to be resentful. Beesie needs no defense and did nothing. She is a kind and experienced member of this board.

MsP

Beesie

It wasn't me!

It was MelissaDallas who sent the PM to the woman on Facebook. I just posted here to show my support for what she did.

Personally I think that if someone says or does something that is insensitive or inappropriate, it's great if that can be politely explained to them. If they didn't mean to be insensitive, they should appreciate it. I know that I would like to know if I inadvertently offend someone or say the wrong thing.