Back after 6 years--for real this time.

daydream

After a false alarm (or what seemed to be a false alarm) in May, I for sure have mets in a pleural effusion in my lungs. I've had scans, but nothing was found in brains, liver, etc. I meet with a specialist next Monday, and start treatment next week, probably Abraxane (sp.?) if I'm not in a clinical trial. Will life be worth living? The thing that is keeping me going is wanting to clean out our house of 35 years so my husband won't be left with the mess and then I can stop treatment. I don't have a lot of hope right now, and watching the pain my loved ones are going through is the worst thing. I will head over to the Stage IV forum when I'm more sure about treatment. It's taken me two weeks to even post this, but this community was so much help to me when I was first diagnosed.

Moderators

Daydream,

Sorry that your breast cancer has spread to the lungs. We are heartened that the community was a big help when you were first diagnosed and we are certain they will be again. We are all here to support you through the upcoming treatment plans and the journey. Please keep us posted.

Best wishes,

(((The Mods)))

farmerlucy

Daydream - I'm so very sorry for the bad news. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. When I was first diagnosed I felt the guilt very badly about putting my family through BC. I was certain I was going to die soon so I figured I may as well get it over with and save my family some grief. My Stephen Minister set me straight right away. One of the most meaningful things she said was, "If roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to be there for your . . .  (fill in the dots, husband, kids, grandkids)." That was a very powerful statement. Forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds, I know I really can't understand where you are right now. If I can help in any way please message me. Gentle hugs to you.

daydream

You were not overstepping your bounds at all, and I appreciate your post. It's all true, but so damn hard. I never know what to expect from minute to minute. I'm trying to put some things in place for myself that I hope will help. Best of luck to you.

Maureen813

I'm so sorry to hear of your nasty beast came back. I hate cancer. I just went to sIV two weeks ago. It's very hard to comprehend the dx. The sIV group is wonderful helpful and welcoming. Hope your onc gets a treatment plan that will knock this crap to the curb. Big hugs to you

barsco1963

daydream - so sorry that you have found yourself back here and at stage iv to boot. I know that it is scary and hard to imagine what living will be like. You may be surprised that your QOL is better than you might imagine right now. Of course there will be ups and downs, but we are always here for you no matter what. Nobody goes it alone.

Please do come join the stage iv boards. You will find that there are many that are living well with mets of all kinds. I was dx with liver mets from the get go 2.5yrs ago and I am very thankful that I am doing quite well. Hopefully the tx prescribed will knock the crap out of those mets!

Keep us posted on how you are doing.

daydream

Thanks to all of you. It's so helpful and gives me some hope. I'm trying to put some positive structure in my life, piano lessons and yoga. And a bit of lorazepam seems to be helping.

pajim

Daydream, the initial diagnosis is always a shock (and horror and awe and all sorts of anxiety provoking things). Once you start treatment, and have a plan, things will calm down. You'll realize there's a lot of living to be done. I met a woman at a conference who is a 14 year mets patient. I want to be her when I grow up.

Come on over to the Stage IV boards where there is a lot of support and some good advice on taking Abraxane.

daydream

Thanks so much. I appreciate each and every reply. Shock is right! I start treatment in a week, and will definitely be at the Stage IV boards. I want to feel hopeful (reading posts from people who have lived for years at Stage IV), but at the same time I am afraid to. My initial prognosis was so positive, but it didn't turn out that way. I hope things will get better for me as far as my emotional and mental state. It's gotten somewhat better. I don't feel as paralyzed as I did and am not having as many crying jags. Today is my 66yh birthday. I can't say I'm joyful about it, but some people don't even have that many years. And I'm grateful I lived long enough to see my children through adulthood.

pajim

Happy Birthday to you!

It's hard right now, I know, but once you get into treatment things will even out. You sound like a practical type of person. Have all the crying jags you want -- then do something nice for yourself.

My first appointment with my onc after my diagnosis (and major surgery), he said "don't give away your stuff -- you'll need it". Almost one year later I feel he is/was right.

P.S. 66 is young!

LPBoston

Dear Daydream,

I have been grappling with "what If's" and trying to take the first steps of cleaning things out as well.  I finally had a talk with my husband because I am not able to take the first steps of getting things in order that I want to get in order before I leave this wonderful life.  I said I want to organize the pictures for the kids and he said I'll take care of it.  I said I need to get rid of this and that and want to give this to someone and that to someone else and he said "please trust me - tell me what you want and I'll take care of it, I don't want you to worry about those trivial things I just want to enjoy you as you".  I am trying not to stress out about getting things in order but just enjoying the times I have with my husband and getting in as much time I can with my boys who have their own lives and the many friends who I can truly call friends. Sounds easy  but it is still so difficult.  I am trying to let go of the things that are controlling me and enjoying the things I enjoy.  Enjoy the time you have and spend it with the people you love who are going to make you smile and laugh, everything else is insignificant.

Praying for you.

LPBoston

ahdjdbcjdjdbkf

Daydream, This sucks. I have an appointment this Thursday to evaluate possible liver mets. I remember when I was concerned about things like reconstruction, bras, and lymphdema sleeves. That was a dream compared to where I am not...trying not to run out of work crying so I can drive off of a bridge...really.