I haven't looked at my flat chest yet......is this normal?

gtgirl

I had my MX on my left breast 11-20-13. I have been home since 11-22-13. I was very adamant that I was not ready emotionally to look at my chest. My family and Physicians have been very supportive. My family and fiancé take care of my drain, strip and empty. They also look at my incision/drain incision twice a day. I was suppose to have Home Care, but the agency didn't call till the fourth day, which then I told them I didn't need them. I double checked with my BS NP and she said I didn't need them. I have not taken off my binder "toob top" or changed my sponge around my drain. My BS has a different philosophy. Don't touch, keep dry and check. I get my drain out Monday. Is it normal to be emotional and not ready to look at your chest? Maybe I should just do it or wait till my binder comes off Monday? My fear is not having protection there where my breast was. No one mentioned a prosthesis yet.

kaza

Hi gtgirl.....the way you are feeling is perfectly normal, you will look when you are ready, there is no right or wrong time it has to be the right time for you, when you are ready emotionally,.

I can remember i didnt want to look it took me about ten days after surgery, just woke up one morning and i knew it was time, not easy but one step forward to the healing .

I am sending you healing thoughts x

badger

hi gtgirl, I echo what kaza said, what you're feeling is normal and you'll know when the time is right.

Bring a small pillow with you Monday to put between you & the seat belt.  I have a heart-shaped one that was hand-made for me and I still treasure it.

I don't use prosthetics but lots of women do and there many options.  Check out http://www.breastfree.org/  It's a non-profit website run by a member of BCO and is an excellent resource.

I had bmx no recon on a Tues and my chest was wrapped in a giant Ace bandage until discharged 2 days later on Thurs.  Surgeon unwrapped me and I looked right away.  It wasn't pretty but it was OK.  Incisions were held together with steri-strips.  I showed my husband right away, too, and we cried together.  Got my drains out the following Mon. 

TIP: when you get your drain out, make sure the doc opens the cap on the drain bulb to release the suction first.  Will make it so much easier to remove!

It's been almost four years now and my scars are fading.  I have a happy marriage (wink wink) so kudos to our menfolk.  Best wishes and gentle ((hugs)).

Ariom

Hi gtgirl, just as the others have said, whatever you want or feel, is normal. We are all so different in our time frame of acceptance.

I am a "Uni" too! I spent time looking at pictures on Breastfree, it is a great site that was started by one of our regular contributors.

For me, I couldn't wait to see what it looked like. So the morning after my surgery when the Surgeon removed the bandages, was the right time for me. It wasn't pretty, but I was fine with it. I was a bit nervous to show my Husband, I really don't know why, but when he saw it, as soon as we got home his reaction was "Oh Wow, that will heal really well!" and then "You don't need 2 boobs to be gorgeous!" I was so relieved!

I made sure I was massaging my chest as soon as I could to help with the strange sensations of nerve regeneration, and also to keep the skin supple and to avoid any adhesions. Any good oil, or blend with aromatherapy oils is great for this. I also did the PT exercises religiously 4X a day for many, many months.

The prosthesis road was an interesting learning curve for me. I was at the fitter 1 week after my surgery, because I didn't know any better, but I was sent home and told that I couldn't be fitted for 6 weeks. I made do with some softees in a Genie bra.

I now have what's known as my "Foobmoire" which is a fitted cupboard for all my different Boobs, Foobs, and Prosthesis. I have quite a collection of different types for different applications. I knew, for me, that just 1 prosthesis, was not going to work for me . I now have the normal silicone which is what I wear most days, but I also have a Contact that adheres to the chest and can be worn with a normal unpocketed bra. I also have lightweight micro bead Foobs, made by Mary at mastectomysolutions.com. A new favorite is an Amoena weighted Foam "Foob" that I wear in a crop top sports bra as a really comfortable casual way to dress with yoga pants and a zip front jacket where the bra can be seen a little. I also, sometimes wear a firm shape wear tank, under a shirt and no "Foob". No one really notices, and I have a "D" on the other side!

You may be wondering, what on earth is she on about with all this stuff!

I just want to let you know that, as afraid an unsure as you are right now, it gets better! It is an enormous change that we have to process, and accept. Then we have to familiarize ourselves with a new way of dressing, with prosthesis etc.

Please just take your time, don't be pressured in any way to do anything that doesn't feel right for you, and please reach out to any of us who you feel comfortable with. I am only 11 months out and can't believe how the time has flown. I am amazed that I can get ready in the morning, and not think about it again till I get undressed at night.

I wish you all the very best gtgirl, you'll do just fine! ((((HUGS))))

crystalphm

You should do what ever feels right for you! This is your journey, looking or not looking doesn't delay healing, so please just take good care of yourself.

I didn't have a choice in this, super glue was used and no bandage! So I really had to look because everything was right there. my first thought was how nice and clean the incision was, my second thought was prayers that the cancer was gone too (it was). I felt positive to see the incision, in the sense that I am strong, I can heal and have my life back again.

But I also mourn the loss of my breasts, and I still miss them 3 years later. I think this is normal too, breasts mean a lot of things to people, both men, women and children....so there are some very complex emotions here. Please feel free to explore your feelings with us.

And no matter what you say when you see your scar, allow yourself for that moment to understand this scar is a sign of your courage and battle. You are brave...maybe you didn't want to be brave (heck, that is the last thing I wanted) but you ARE brave. you did what needed to be done.

gtgirl

Thank you ladies. I keep hearing when you looked at it, it looked awful. There is scary to hear? When my fiancé or my sister looks at it, they say it looks good!

I will check out the sites, thank you. My right is a B and I am hoping to have this one removed in the next several months.

Kicks

I was told to not do any bandage changing until my 1 week post surgery appt.  I had a UMX  and was really 'strapped' down tight. When Dr G. took the bandage off, the biggest surprise to me was that I had no external stitches or staples.  

Do not be in a hurry to get your `good` pros.  It takes time for swelling to go down to get the best fit.  There are some soft little 'poofs' that you can get quite inexpensive (my local ACS sent me a 'care package' that had one of the poofs in it).  I used it from late Oct to late Jan with no problems with my old bras.  My biggest suggestion is that when you are ready for a pros to go to a CERTIFIED Fitter who can help you find what is best for you.  We are built so differently that there is no one pros.that is right for all.  Looking at catalogs doesn't really work.

aviva5675

It wasnt great, but you probably already have a rough idea of what it will be like. I first looked in the hospital changing into clothes to go home. The nurse was helping me change and I looked in the mirror. I choked up for a minute or two but she was nice and murmered soothing things. It gets better after a week or two and the scars start to heal. Warrior scars for a warrior survivor.

Chrisrenee77

gtgirl- It is very normal to feel that way.  I didn't look at mine for well over 6 weeks and then when I did was very disgusted at myself.   I wanted MY breasts back. I had delayed reconstruction, from the time of my BMX to TE was 3 months, so I went 12 weeks flat chested. I didn't want to look in the mirror when I would get out of the shower, didn't want to look when my husband stripped the drains.  Now 20 mos later I look at my scars in the mirror and think " damn I was tough, and I made it through this".  My husband every so often will trace my incision line and tell me how beautiful I AM.  Give yourself time to grieve over the loss of your breast and remind yourself YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

coraleliz

gtgirl-looking at pictures ahead of time really helped. I didn't think it looked awful. It looked exactly like I expected it to. I remain flat & still don't think it looks bad or awful......... I

georgie1112

gtgirl,

Your feelings are VERY normal. I wondered the same thing after surgery. Does not make sense that we can IMMEDIATELY accept such a major change with our bodies without some transition and feelings. Everyone is different but 6 weeks out I am still processing my feelings and will be for some time.

I think for me looking was a shock because I expected mostly flat and there are so many lumps and bumps... My ribs for one! My body is a completely different landscape.

First I touched myself on top of my clothing. Then I peaked briefly for a few seconds a few days after my doctor removed the bandage on day 8. But not enough to even know if I had steri strips. Slowly, I peaked longer. But mostly avoided looking as it was unsettling. There was some discoloration and concave areas. The scar itself did not bother me. It was the crater under my arms. The poofy swollen stuff above the crater above the insertion of the pectoral muscle.

It looks better now, but am not happy with how it looks. That is where I am at about 6 weeks post BMX. I'm sure I will keep changing how I feel.

Take your time. Do what makes sense for YOU and try not to judge yourself. It is a big adjustment, at least for me. You might try lightly touching your clothing over the area. That was a helpful transition for me.

georgie

Erica3681

Hi gtgirl,

As you can tell, reading through all the above posts, our reactions are as individual as we are. After my bilateral mastectomy, shortly after I was taken from recovery to my room, a resident came in to check my bandages. My DH was standing there as, without any warning, she removed the gauze (my surgeon didn't use a binder), so he actually saw my chest before I did. I could tell from his reaction that it didn't look bad to him, so on my first trip to the bathroom once the gauze was removed for good a little later, I took a look. I found that I was pleasantly surprised. As I put it to myself, I looked more "petite," but not disfigured. I hope that when you take your first look, you too will be pleasantly surprised.

I love Ariom's description of her "Foobmoire." I need one of those! Like her, I use different breast forms for different needs (all day long, night out, low-cut top). I find that the bra or camisole I choose is as important as the form for both looks and comfort. I often go flat at home.

I don't mean to sugar-coat this experience. Losing my breasts was hard. But, I've never felt diminished by the loss. In a way, realizing that I still feel whole and beautiful without breasts has made me stronger.

Ariom

Hi Erica, I couldn't agree more! I feel as you do, that the loss of a breast has not diminished me. I too still feel whole and am completely comfortable with myself.

I feel that the women of your "Breastfree" site were so important in my education, of what to expect visually. Their stories and unashamed photos are so important for others walking the path.

I have stated before, that in some strange way, I am actually "proud" of this scar. I thought that I would be covering myself, and even bought several sets of pj's, which I had never worn before this surgery, unless staying somewhere, other than home. I thought that I would feel changed, and that my days of sleeping in just a pair of knickers would be over! Thankfully, the pj's are in a wardrobe, still brand new, waiting for a holiday to be used!

Having a husband who has not flinched, even once, when looking at me, makes it very easy to feel comfortable in my own skin, and the fact that he says I look like a mythical Amazon Warrior woman helps too!

I can happily spend a day without a "Foob", or with any number of clothing options. I will try to post a pic of the actual "Foobmoire" to give you a laugh!

kcred69

Yes, I was the same way, still am. Even though I am now in the middle of the process for tissue expanders, You do realize that your insurance must cover breast reconstruction right? This is a law that was passed in all US states.

Back to your emotional journey right now. Yes, I refused to look at myself to while I went a year without breasts. When I did it was by accident, and I cried. But, I felt better after words. It is completely normal to answer your question.

crystalphm

kcred69, With that law, it only covers what your insurance covers, so in my case, 80%. Which is still a huge amount of money. I had both breasts removed, 18 months apart and out of pocket I spent $5000 per breast, and that was my 80% co-pay. I also have 2 friends waiting to save up money for reconstruction-gone-wrong.

So recon is not free as so many say it is...and I have Blue Cross which is pretty widely accepted. if I would have left this area, I would have had to pay 30%.

Someone correct me if I am wrong.

gtgirl

I finally looked at my chest today. My mom was with me, which helped. I also put on a comfy bra no more binder. I am still having hard time with my arm and exercises. I can't get my arm straight!

grammaB

I am sort of like Ariom, I couldn't wait to see what I looked like after my BMX. I was bound the first three days so couldn't look until the third day when the Ace bandage came off for my first shower (I wore it 24/7 except for showering, a couple more weeks.). I was surprised there was no bruising and it didn't look bad at all. I too had looked at the photos online so knew what to expect and was pleased with the way my scars looked compared to photos I had seen. I am 4 months out from surgery now, I still do the stretching exercises and massage oil in daily. I am not having recon. I am totally comfortable with my new body and go flat everywhere despite having a couple sets of very expensive prosthetics and several mastectomy bras.

We all take this in in our own way at our own pace. Don't worry gtgirl, keep doing the exercises and you will regain your range of motion. Your scars will become less noticeable and you will get used to your new body. This is all a process that we each go through in our own way at our own speed and that is exactly right for each of us. ((hugs))

msphil

I too couldn,t look at my chest at first, my Fiancee at the time, noww hubby, looked at it while I was in hospital, I was so afraid he wouldn,t want me anymore with just one breast especially just before our wedding, he told me it wasn,t that bad, very supportive,and he too drained my drain, so you are not alone, my body rejected the expander right after reconstruction and I am now a 19 yr SURVIVOR( Praise GOD) and wear a prothesis and doing well.  msphil(idc,stage2,0/3 nodes, L mast, chemo and rads and 5 yrs on tamoxifen)

Rakovina

gtgirl, were you ok with it when you looked? You didnt say much and I hope you are alright. hugs.

I was trying to remember my first look after a uni mx. My surgery was late one afternoon and the next morning I desperately wanted a shower. The nurses were busy so DH came with me to help with the drains and wash my hair. I only had a single strip of clear tape across the scar line and two drains. DH actually had me laughing as he pulled out his glasses to get a better look and inspected every bit very closely. That probably worked better for me than some big reveal. I rarely bother with a prosthesis anymore, this is my normal now.